Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Joe Update

Yes friends, once again I bring you tales from Joe World.

1) Father

Joe often asks people if they get along with their parents.  I think Joe loves his parents because he is obligated to, but he doesn't really *like* them most of the time ... or, at least, he doesn't want them hanging around.  One day, Joe was talking about his dad:

"I'll hug the man once in a while ... like twice a year ... his birthday and Christmas and stuff.  But the Christmas hug really depends on what present he gives me."

Never was there a more loving son.

2) Hold the Tomatoes

Background info: another co-worker, Laura, went out to lunch one day.  Upon her return, Joe asked her what she ordered, and she said she ordered a sandwich.  The following is the remainder of that conversation.  Oh, and yes, Laura likes to laugh at Joe too, so she eggs him on like I do:

Joe: Did the sandwich have tomatoes on it?
Laura: No, I had them hold the tomatoes.
Joe: You had them hold them?
Laura: Yep, I had them stand at the table the whole time I was eating just holding the tomatoes.  I always have them do that.
Joe: Do you ever dismiss them early?
Laura: No, they have to stand there til I'm done.
Joe: That's good, Laura, 'cause once you go soft on them one time, they'll expect it every time.  You stick to your guns.
Laura: Exactly.  And, it's worth every penny of the tip I give them too.
Joe: Yeah, they have to earn that 27 or 30 cents!  And hey, that starts to add up.  I mean, once you get a couple of those tips, you can afford to buy a soda pop!  And a nice 16 ounce, too, not some dinky 12 ounce can.  Like The Beatles said, Laura, it's a hard day's night.  It's all about earning.

I can't even ... I don't ... how did Hard Day's Night fit into this?????

3) Windshield Grieving

"I hate those people that put the things on their back windshield that are like 'In loving memory of so and so' and list the dates of their life.  And they say things like, 'A prince among men' or 'Greatest fish ever.'"  I mean I'm just like, people die all the time, and that's great for you ... well, it's not GREAT for you, but that's great if you wanna grieve.  But keep your grief to yourself."

The fish part really made me wonder.  I certainly hope people don't put little tributes to their dead fish on their cars, but you never know.

4) Crack

Joe has a lot of views on this drug ... he even has some views related to Jesus and crack, but I'll save that for another post.  For now, here's this:

"I mean, just because someone used to be on crack, does that mean they are a bad person?  I like to believe so, but people can get better.  They can stop using the crack.  And not only do they have to stop using the crack, but they have to stop advocating the use of crack.  They can't go around saying, 'Yeah I no longer use crack, but it might be good for YOU.'"

What a dealing technique, huh?  Yeah I finally broke my horrible addiction, but you look like you could use some of this stuff, so knock yourself out, buddy!

5) Sugar Foot

Several times a day, Joe just walks up to my desk and says something random.  This is the latest:

Joe: Ashley, what do you think about this as the ultimate email address -!!!
Me: Why "sugar foot?"
Joe: 'Cause I've always wanted to be called that.  Do you think it would catch on as a nickname?
Me: Sure.
Joe: Would YOU call me that?
Me: Uh ...
Joe: I knew it.  I can't even get my own wife to call me that.

And I'm not kidding, as I'm typing this, Joe is at his desk telling someone else about his Sugar Foot name idea.  Also, he created a Sugar Foot dance.  It involves him swiveling the ball of his right foot around on the floor as if he's rubbing out a scuff mark, closing his eyes, and nodding his head to the rhythm. 

I think he's secretly hoping it will become the new dance craze of the nation.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Drunk People and a Band

I attended a birthday party for one of my aunts last weekend at a bar.  The place had a band playing, and they ROCKED ... and some of the customers got really into the music.  Most of the embarrassing ones were not official party guests, so at least I can safely say that my aunt has the sense to stay away from those people.  They were basically drunk rednecks, and I will now describe a few of the most interesting ones.

1) Ugly Girl Who Thought She Was Hot

Ok so this chick was super ugly.  Yet, despite her ugliness, she was constantly dancing right in front of the band (when no one else was dancing) so that everyone looking towards the band was forced to see her.  She was moving her hips around in what she thought was a sexy manner.  She thought wrong.  She would also randomly stick her tongue out at people.  I guess this was some sort of seduction attempt, but all it got her was laughter.  Eventually some other gals made the mistake of stepping onto the dance floor while she was still out there.  Seeing this new prey, she instantly decided to grind up on them, and it was clear to me that these girls not only had no idea who she was, but they were also pretty terrified.

When she realized (after about 15 minutes) that the girls just weren't that into her, she tried a new dance move.  She would violently fling her arms out to the side like a bird spreading its wings and then hold that pose for a few seconds and repeat.  I mean ... I know she was drunk, but come on.  Some spazzed-out bird dance isn't going to make people want to be your friend.  That's just common sense.

2) Loud Outburst Guy

I first discovered this fellow when one of the band members addressed the crowd in between songs:

Band Member: I love this crowd; you guys are rockin!
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!

It was funny at first, but after that, whenever there was a pause in the music, this dude would bust out with "ROCK THAT SHIT" as loud as possible.  I mean, he wouldn't even say it at appropriate moments.  Someone in the band would say something like, "Ok, we're gonna take a little break," and the "ROCK THAT SHIT" would still be loud and clear.  I bet he says it all the time as some sort of bizarre version of Tourette's.  I can just picture his wedding day (assuming someone is dumb enough to marry him):

Minister: Do you take th-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: Heh ... ok.  Anyway, do you take this wom-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: .........womantobeyourlawfullyweddedwife?
Loud Outburst Guy: I do.  ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!

3) Old Clown Lady

This gal looked about 70, and her face was done up with the loudest makeup ever.  If it was an attempt to look youthful, that attempt failed miserably.  She just looked like some retired clown freak.  She started off by just dancing on her own, but soon, seeing how hilarious her dance moves were, some really young guys started taking turns dancing with her for a laugh.  She was of course loving it, and it probably made her think her face paint had succeeded in making her look like a hot 25 year old.

Her main dance move was this: She would place her arms in a T-Rex position (bent at the elbows and wrists and pulled close to her chest) and strut around in a circle bending her knees as little as possible.  She was walking like a toy soldier, but she was sticking her butt out at the same time.  So to recap, here we had: T-Rex arms, butt out, and locked knees.  I have never seen anything quite like it, and I give her props for not falling over.

Someone her own age eventually got so turned on by her exotic moves that he just had to go strut around with her.  This, I believe, is when Alzheimer's started to catch up with her.  She and the old guy would be dancing up a storm and then suddenly she would pause, look at him with SUPER WIDE EYES, grin like an idiot, and continue dancing.  It was like she kept forgetting and then noticing that someone was dancing with her, and each time she realized this, she got sooooooo excited.  If I were that guy, I would have freaked out ... but then again, this is the guy who voluntarily danced with a Tyrannosaurus Clown.

4) The Conductor

There was a man who looked about 60 who kept chugging beers like nobody's business.  He continually placed himself directly in front of the guitarist and proceeded to conduct him through entire songs.  I'm not kidding.  This guy, beer in hand, would hold his arms out and flail them around at the poor guitarist while staring him down.  Sometimes he would get so lost in the music that he would have to close his eyes, but this did not keep him from his job.  He conducted the shit out of those songs. 

I think my favorite part was that whenever he got tired, he would take a huge swig from his beer bottle (like, head tilted back til it was completely drained) and then, from that, get a burst of energy that allowed him to launch back into scaring the guitarist with ease.  I figured the beer would slow him down, but oh no, he was too dedicated. 

Oh, I forgot to comment on his highly professional conductor's outfit.  He was wearing a black tank top and light blue jeans with patches all over them.  I mean, that's classy as hell.  He needs to seriously consider applying to conduct professional orchestras.  He might have to switch from beer to martinis though.

So folks, as you can tell, I really enjoy watching drunk and/or insane people.  If you know of any good locations in which to do so, please let me know.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Wii and Me

I am an extremely competitive person.  I hate losing, and well actually I just hate not being the best at everything.  Second place sucks.  Even when I'm playing some pointless game, I still get super into it and feel like if I don't do well, I'm a failure at life.  This happens a lot when Rick and I play games on the Wii.  I don't play a ton of games on that system, but the ones I do play mean a lot to me.  If I lose to him, I will usually throw a fit.  The following is a brief list of the kind of crap my boyfriend has to put up with on a regular basis.  He must love me a lot.

1) Mariokart

So basically, I love little cartoon racing games like this and always have.  I have also always been good at them, so when I introduced Rick to this game, I thought, "This is gonna be awesome.  He has never played this before, so I will kick his ass and feel like a champion!"  My plan worked for a while, and I still beat him about 90% of the time.  Every so often, though, I'll screw up or he'll get lucky or happen to just race really well on that course ... and he will win. 

If this happens one time, I'm usually ok about it.  I can keep my rage to myself and smile at him and be all, "That was good, babe!" even though it's really never a sincere remark.  What happens after that, though, is I keep thinking about the fact that I lost, and it affects my gameplay for the rest of the night.  I start driving my little character off cliffs or crashing into walls. 

At this point, all sanity goes out the window, and I begin blaming the game for my actions as I lose more and more.  I become convinced that the game is cheating and wants me to lose.  Or I feel that the game is giving Rick an unfair advantage:

- "You're getting all the good items!  Even when I'm in LAST PLACE all I get is a fucking BANANA to use!"
- "Ok, I was turning as hard as I could, and I still fell off the course.  Your controller is working better than mine!"
- "I mean, whatever.  I don't care anymore.  This game is like racist against my character or something and has decided to never let me win ever again."

So, I end up stopping.  Wii Sports games are even worse ...

2) Bowling

I swear, Wii Bowling is a scam.  I'll get a strike one time, and then throw the EXACT SAME WAY on my next turn and knock down like 3 pins.  I know you're thinking that my arm is probably twisting slightly and moving the controller a little bit and that's why it's messing up, but you are wrong!!!  I am not at fault!  I'm telling you, it's the damn game.

Anyway, when Rick and I play this, it usually doesn't end well.  When he rolls a bad frame, he has a normal reaction like, "Damn it," and is then completely over it.  I get furious every time I don't get a strike.  I feel like if every frame isn't a strike then I'm horrible at the game.  Do I realize how stupid and irrational that is?  Of course ... NOW.  But, when I'm in the moment, I can't think rationally.  I really do feel sorry for Rick, now that I'm sitting down thinking about this.  Oh well.

Here are some of my reactions when I don't get strikes:

- "God DAMN it, why did it go off to the LEFT?!?!  My arm was STRAIGHT!!!"
- "What the FUCK?!?!  That was a strike the last time!!!!"
- "Why the hell didn't that pin fall over?  LOOK AT THE REPLAY!  THAT OTHER PIN CLEARLY HIT IT!"
- "Great, I'm glad this game lets YOU get strikes all the damn time, and when I do the same thing you're doing, I end up with a fucking SPLIT!"

3) Tennis

Ok, this is by far the game I'm worst at, and therefore this game brings out the worst in me.  Rick is pretty good at it, so I don't know why I bother playing with him at all.  I'm sure I psych myself out right from the beginning thinking about how much I suck, but I'm crazy, so I keep trying and hoping that one day I'll magically be able to beat him every time.

As soon as I hit my first bad shot, I start to freak out.  From there, just like in Mariokart, once I start to lose, I just play worse and worse.  I begin sighing angrily and scowling at the tv.  If I get REALLY pissed off then I'll start losing on purpose by either not swinging my racket at all or swinging it super hard and hitting the ball into the crowd.  At that point, I usually throw myself onto the couch and punch the cushions.  Rick always tries to talk me down, but it never works:

Rick: It's ok ...
Me: It's not ok!  Why do I suck at this?!?!
Rick: You don't suck; you just hit a couple bad shots.
Me: Well, why do I keep doing it?  I mean, what is WRONG with me?!
Rick: Ashley, nothing is wrong with you.
Me: Fine.  Then you tell me what to do to fix this.

In the past when I have asked for Rick's advice, he would give me what he thought were helpful tips on how to improve my game.  As soon as he said them, I would get pissed that he was telling me how to play ... even though I had just asked him to.  I would think, "Oh he thinks he's SO much better than me and perfect at this game.  What an ass."  Then I would try his tips, but at that point I would be so worked up that they wouldn't work for me.  Although, I usually only tried them once before slamming back down onto the couch again.

Me: I'm doing what you said, and I'm still SUCKING!  Obviously your advice didn't help!
Rick: That last one was better.  You just have to work at it and practice.
Me: No because I keep messing up the exact same way!  No matter what I do, I don't get better!  I mean who does this?!  Who keeps playing the same game and gets progressively WORSE at it?!?!

That's when Rick stops talking and walks away to let me calm down on my own.  It takes me a few minutes, but eventually I start to feel like an idiot and go apologize a lot.  He now never gives me advice on how to improve because he knows I will throw a fit and blame him for my poor performance.  I think that whenever I say, "Let's play the Wii tonight!" he secretly wants to respond with, "Fuck no, I'm not playing with your psycho ass ever again," but, he's a good boyfriend, and has been dealing with me for two years, so he always says yes.

I keep telling myself it's going to be different next time, and I will be able to remain completely calm and play like my life doesn't depend on winning.  I'm sure one day I'll be able to do that.  Like maybe when I'm 90 years old and my vision is too bad to see that I'm in last place.