Friday, September 9, 2011

How to Solve Any Problem

Hello, devoted fans!  I know that, like me, everyone out there has tons of problems.  I don't mean mental problems, before you ask.  I just mean annoying crap that we all have to deal with on a regular basis.  So, with this blog post I am going to give you some amazing methods to solve those problems.  These can pretty much be applied to anything negative that comes up in your life.  With this great act of generosity, I have ALREADY solved one of your problems, if one of your problems happens to be "I don't know how to solve problems."  And I figure it must be ... because you're still reading.

1) Eat a Shitload of Food

**note: You can feel free to do this anytime, even when you're not trying to solve a problem.  I do this every day, and I highly recommend this way of life.**

Trust me, this works.  Let's say you have a work deadline that you're struggling to meet, and you're in a panic about how to come up with an excuse or get your boss to let you have more time.  What you should do is drive to the nearest fast food restaurant, pull into the drive-thru, and proceed to order like 15 items.  It's important to state here that I don't recommend actually going into the restaurant and placing this order.  People will probably look at you like you're insane and/or a whale.  So, definitely use the drive-thru method, and then haul ass back home, all the while savoring the grease fumes being emitted from your 5 bags.

Once home, sit down in front of a table that has a lot of free space for you to spread out your impromptu Thanksgiving.  Gaze lovingly at the spread, and then dig in!  Eat as fast as possible - The faster you eat, the quicker the problem goes away.  This is a scientific fact, people.  Eat until you can't even move.  You might feel sick, but that's not technically a problem because of how much fun you had when you were in the process of getting sick.  So now, that work deadline is nothing to you.  You just consumed like 50,000 calories; you are a hero.  Heroes don't worry about deadlines.  It's not like Batman ever had deadlines!  Well, unless you count things like wanting to save someone's life before a bomb went off ... but none of you are that important, so forget that.

The lesson here is: Food (especially fast food) is so wonderful that it will make your problem seem like SO not a big deal.  You're welcome.

2) Ignore It

I feel like some weirdos (my parents) used to talk about how ignoring problems will only make them get bigger/worse.  This is bullshit.  If you ignore a problem ... someone else will come along and take care of it for you.

For example, let's say I come home one evening and I see a sink full of dishes.  I think to myself, "Oh my god, I hate doing dishes!  Why are these here??  Why can't we live in a building with a dishwasher??  My life sucks so much!"  But then, after some more deep reflection, I think, "I will just pretend that I didn't walk into the kitchen when I got home."  You see?  If I act like I didn't notice the dishes, then when Rick gets home he'll just do them!  Problem freakin solved.

Husbands have been using this method ever since they lived in caves.  They also use the thing where they pretend they don't know how to use cleaning supplies.  Genius.  Lucky for me, I'm in the opposite situation where I'm the lazy ass and my boyfriend is all "I'm gonna get up early and clean stuff." 

This method can be used for more than household chores.  Like, if your baby is crying, and you ignore it, eventually it'll stop.  It might take a while, so maybe have your iPod nearby to drown out the noise.  Now, I'm not saying ignore it if the baby actually NEEDS something, but sometimes babies cry just to be little bitches.  So, not only will the problem go away, but you'll also be teaching your child that being annoying doesn't pay.  Perhaps I should write a childcare book.

3) Make Comparisons

Anytime something's getting you down, just turn on a sitcom, preferably one set in NYC.  As you watch, you'll realize that those people go through multiple problems over the course of only half an hour!  And afterwards, they're all fine.  Things either get worked out or else the situations become too funny for anyone to worry about.  You can think to yourself, "Wow, my problem will turn out fine.  All I have to do is make some jokes, like these people!"

The thing about shows that are set in NYC is this: Watch those if you're ever having money issues.  The characters who live in that city, even if they don't have high-paying jobs (or any job at all), live in great apartments and can go hit the town whenever they want.  The shows I recommend for this are "Friends" and "Seinfeld."  Worried you won't make rent?  Don't.  It'll somehow magically work out.  It always does for them, right?  These things are based on real life. 

Or, another way of looking at it is: That's what credit cards are for.  God wouldn't have invented Mastercard if he didn't want us to be irresponsible and live in a fantasy land.  I take frequent vacations to such lands, especially if I see a Coach outlet.

I wish you all the best of luck with future problems!  Please pass these tools for success along to all your friends.