Thursday, August 25, 2011

Joe Update

My list of Joe quotes is getting longer by the minute, so here are some of the best to give you guys your laugh for the day!  If you're a new reader, Joe is my co-worker who is very ... unique.  And talks a lot.

1) Punching

Joe, like a lot of people, assumes that when I'm not smiling, that means I must be depressed.  I really wish people would just get the fact that my mouth naturally turns down a little when I'm making a straight face.  I can't help my stupid genetics - blame my parents! 

Joe: Ashley, why are you down?
Me: Let me explain something, Joe.  I'm not sitting here all upset.  My face just looks that way normally; it always has.  I can't help it.
Joe: So what does it look like when you're actually upset?  Just your normal face but more so?
Me: I guess.
Joe: Well then one day I'm gonna do something to upset you so that I can see it.  Be prepared for that.
Me: What are you gonna do?
Joe: I dunno, like punch you in the shin.
Me: Why bend all the way down to punch my shin?  Why not just punch my shoulder?
Joe: Because the shoulder makes it look like I MEANT to attack you.  Well, actually, bending down to get the shin requires more effort, so nevermind.  I'll work this out, Ashley, don't worry!

Oh good.  I was totally worried he wouldn't find a way to punch me.

2) Jesus

The following are some "facts" about Jesus that Joe told me:

- Jesus became addicted to crack at age 31
- Jesus kicked his addiction, found followers, and died by age 33
- Jesus died from health complications due to his crack use.  The crucifixion was just a government cover-up.
- To prove he could walk on water, Jesus put everyone in a boat, sailed them out to sea, got out of the boat, and just stood on the water.  He then told everyone to join him, and they of course fell in.  He did this so that he could look more impressive.

So basically, according to Joe, Jesus was a drugged-out asshole.  I would apologize for offending my religious readers, but I'm pretty religious myself, and I've basically gotten so used to Joe's Jesus talks that they don't bother me whatsoever.  I figure if you guys are still reading, you're used to it too.

3) Birds

Joe HATES birds.

Joe: I especially hate pigeons.  The way they walk and bob their heads and twitch - it's creepy!
Laura: Joe, you bob your head when you walk, and you swing your arms.
Joe: No, that's like a robot.  That's cool.  I'm just telling you, rational or not, I don't like birds.  Those little ones are ok, that just hop about.  They're so small and cute that you almost imagine you could own one ... except they're infested with vermin.
Laura: See, I had birds as a kid, so I guess it's different for me because I grew up around them.
Joe: Yeah, my parents didn't allow me to have vermin in the house.

4) Birds Part 2

Joe came back a little while later that day to continue his birds rant.  This time, my co-worker Scott was involved.

Joe: Do you know how birds clean themselves?  They ruffle around in the dirt!
Scott: No, that's what bird baths are for.  There's water in there.
Joe: Yeah, water that people have walked by and spit into and other birds have taken a crap in!  And birds eat trash!  Like, you can go outside and eat a piece of candy and spit it on the ground, and a bird will eat that!  And if a dog goes outside and takes a crap, a bird will eat that too!
Scott: Dogs eat crap too.
Joe: Not my dog!  At least ... not to my knowledge ... hmm ... note to self, don't let the dog lick you.  Anyway, all I'm saying is it's no coincidence that the devil had wings and birds have wings!

5) Evolution

Joe has this theory that rats evolved into snakes, and that's why we have snakes around today.  I want to give a shout out to Rick who heard this Joe Rant first and immediately IMed me saying, "Be sure to ask Joe about snakes and rats."

"It is a scientific fact that snakes came from rats.  There was a wounded rat with a hurt leg, so it was easier for him to crawl than walk, and a whole breed of snakes was born!  The rats lost their hair 'cause it kept catching on stuff as they were crawling, and the ground gave them scabs which turned into scales.  These are facts of evolution, Ashley.  I learned this in school, but this is stuff they're not supposed to tell you in textbooks.  This is knowledge passed down verbally.  In fact, I may have broken a sacred pact by sharing this with you."

I wonder if it was "passed down verbally" by all the voices in his head.  Just kidding ... I don't actually think Joe is insane.  Yet.

6) Evolution Part 2

Joe, Rod, and I were discussing a more common theory of evolution - the one involving monkeys and humans.

Rod: There's a missing link though!  Something that came in the middle of monkeys turning into humans!
Joe: Monkeys are gross.  They pick those bug things off of each other.
Me: Yeah, nits.
Joe: THAT'S IT!  YES, EXACTLY!  Knitting monkeys!  That's the missing link!  Monkeys that are so advanced that they can knit! 

I really don't even know what to say about that.  I didn't know what to say then either.  I couldn't bother with trying to explain "nit" vs. "knit" to Joe.  He just seemed so proud of me for coming up with the knitting monkeys missing link.

I've barely made a dent in the quote list, so don't worry - more Joe posts will be on the way soon!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Tamagotchi Baby

I know you all remember tamagotchis.  When they first came out, I had a green one (like the one pictured on this link), and I loved that thing.  So, I figured I would try to find one online that I could buy to experience the fun all over again.  I looked around on Amazon, and I discovered that they came out with new versions a couple years ago - versions that have a pause function!!!  This was amazing news since I have a full-time job and can't imagine getting away with, "Sorry I didn't get that report done on time.  My tamagotchi needed me."

So, I ordered one of the newer ones and have been playing around with it for a few days now.  There are some new super cool features on this version: earning points by playing games, spending points on items in a store, getting packages in your own little mailbox, being able to praise or discipline your tamagotchi, etc, etc.  Overall, it's been a blast.

After discovering my baby tamagotchi was a boy, I had to name him (using a max of 5 letters).  I picked the name Clyde ... just randomly.  Clyde started out looking like a blob, but now he's a toddler, so he's a blob with legs.  This is a current photo of him:

Cute, huh?  I know, I know.  Anyway, while I love Clyde, he's not always my favorite person ... or ... alien ... or whatever they're supposed to be.  Sometimes things about him and the new features really get on my nerves.

1) Playing Games

The games on here aren't incredibly fun, but I like playing them so I can earn points and buy Clyde presents at the store.  Clyde used to play with me all the time, but lately whenever I try to make him play, he shakes his head at me!  Every time!  I figured I would try to entice him into playing by giving him a snack.  Well, since that first moment of bribery, he has never gone back to his old ways.  I have to literally give that little brat a snack every time I want him to play a game. 

I'm like, HELLO?!  I'm playing these games for your benefit, Clyde!  Don't you want me to be able to visit the store and buy you gifts??  So of course now I'm paranoid that he's going to become obese from being overfed.  The instructions warned me to only feed him when he's legit hungry, or else he'll gain weight.  Now I'm going to end up having a blob that takes up the entire screen.

2) The Store

The store mainly has food items.  So, I'll usually just buy Clyde more snacks to continue the vicious cycle described above.  Sometimes, though, the store will have toys.  I noticed I could afford a cd the last time I stopped by there, so I went ahead and bought it, thinking how nice it would be for Clyde to have some music in his life.  Well, when I actually gave him the cd, this is what happened:  He looked at it, and then a question mark appeared over his head.  And that was it.

So basically, the thing is worthless.  My retarded child doesn't know how to use the damn cd, so I'm like, why even have it in the store in the first place?  Do I need to buy a cd player to go with it before he can use it?  Does he need to be a teenager in order to understand how it works?  What a rip-off!  I keep hoping a boombox will appear in the store so I can buy that and finally make use of the cd, but it'll probably never happen.  You should see him just standing there staring at it all confused.  Maybe he's too fat and lazy from all the snacks to bother with figuring it out.

3) Mailbox

Every so often, the postman will appear on the screen and bring Clyde a package.  It's always something like extra points or a heart or other little happy things.  However, there was one delivery that was completely shocking to both me and Clyde.  This was the scene:

- Tamagotchi starts beeping at me to announce the arrival of the mailman
- Clyde gets all excited about receiving his new package
- I go to the mailbox and have him open the package
- Inside the package is ... poop

No, I'm not kidding.  The same image that appears every time Clyde uses the bathroom was sitting in that package waiting for him.  It had the stink fumes coming off of it and everything.  I think my exact reaction was, "Oh my god, who the fuck would do that?!?!"  Needless to say, Clyde went hysterical.  His happiness meter dropped all the way to zero, and he started throwing a crying fit.  I tried to praise him (for receiving poop in the mail?  I don't know; I wasn't thinking) to make him feel better, but it didn't work.  Nothing worked.  I just had to wait until he calmed down and forgot about it.

Seriously though, what the hell was the tamagotchi company thinking?  Was this a joke by some angry employee?  Why would POOP be an option for what you can get in the mail?!  And I mean, there was no question it was poop.  The image was very clear, and it was the exact match to the image that I have to flush away every time Clyde craps on the screen.  Sick.

Oh, funny story about Clyde using the bathroom.  If I let the shit sit on the screen too long, he'll hide from it.  He will hang out on the other side of the screen until I flush it.  So yeah, I can understand him being freaked out by the mail incident.

4) School

When I was browsing through the instruction manual, it said something about being able to send your tamagotchi to preschool when he/she is a toddler.  Well, I figured I would get Clyde out of the house and send him off to learn something.  I went to the menu where the preschool option was supposed to be, but the only option in there was "Work."  I looked in all the other menus, but "work" was the closest thing to school that I could find.  So, I clicked on it, and the tamagotchi made an angry buzzing noise at me.  It was judging me for trying to send my baby to work.

I mean, it wasn't like I really WANTED Clyde to go off to some sweatshop, but there was no school option!  The manual had lied to me.  A few hours later, though, some random woman appeared on the screen and gave Clyde a package to open.  My first thought was, "Please God, don't let him walk into another poop delivery," but when he opened it, there was a cute little backpack inside.  So apparently, I needed to wait for some fairy godmother to deliver a backpack to him before he could go to school.

The thing that kills me about this is that now when I send him to preschool, I still have to press the "work" button.  So, for all I know, he's not even going to school.  Maybe what I assumed was a backpack was actually a satchel to hold his tools for a big construction job.  Perhaps he's going off to work the coal mines.  He at least smiles when he leaves, so I can be confident that he enjoys whatever he's doing.

Oh, one last fact about Clyde: He goes to bed at 8pm every night and sleeps til 9am.  This is because tamagotchis are made for kids, not pathetic adults like me.  Oh well!