Friday, May 27, 2011

Joe Update

It's everyone's favorite time once again!  Time for some Joe quotes!  I gathered these little gems over the couse of several weeks.  Enjoy!

1) New Sales Rep

A new sales rep was hired a couple weeks ago, and he sits near Joe.  Joe instantly decided that the guy looked exactly like Donnie Wahlberg, and so he only refers to him as Donnie.  I actually don't even know the guy's real name because all I hear is Joe saying "Hey, what's up, Donnie?" etc.  Anyway, Joe was talking to me about his first impression of the new guy:

Joe: Ashley, I think this new guy is the next big thing.
Me: You mean in sales or just in general?
Joe: Just in general.  I'm getting good vibrations from him.

Nevermind the fact that his "good vibrations" joke actually has to do with Mark Wahlberg and not Donnie, but whatever.  We'll see how long it takes the new guy to reject this name and tell Joe to shove it.

2) TV Show Confusion

An employee who sits near Joe, named Rod, was trying to remember the name of a tv show.

Rod: It's called, like, something "Blues" ... and someone's, like, a police chief in it or something.
Joe: Chief Blues!!  It's Chief Blues!
Rod: Uh, no, that's not it ...
Me: Yeah, I know what show you're talking about, and that's definitely not the name.
Joe: Yeah it is!  It's Chief Blues!  And when he comes home, everyone says, "Hey, Chief!"

Ok, so the show is actually called "Blue Bloods".  I really think Joe had never seen or heard of the show but just desperately wanted to be part of the conversation.  I guess he just picked 2 words from Rod's description and went with it as his guess for the title.  I love his extra effort in trying to convince us by making up a fact about his imaginary show, in which people greet a character with "Hey, Chief!"

3) The Old Guy

Background info: There is a fairly old employee here.  I'm guessing the guy is in his sixties.  Joe finds it hilarious that the guy, John, is old, and often makes fun of it.  John and Rod went to lunch one day, and Rod came back with a story to tell.  Of course, he made the mistake of trying to tell it to Joe.

Rod: Hey Joe, guess what John said when we were on the way to lunch!
Joe: "Can we stop somewhere so I can get 16 prescriptions filled"??

I mean, that's pretty hilarious, honestly.

4) Moonwalking Jesus

I don't remember why, but Joe and I got on the topic of Michael Jackson's moonwalk.  As you probably all know, I love love love MJ, and I could talk about him and his dance moves for days; however, I could not talk about him for days with Joe.  Joe of course must throw Jesus into the conversation.  I really still don't get his Jesus obsession - all of his Jesus facts are just made up on the spot, and I don't think Joe is even a little bit religious!

"You know, Ashley, Jesus can moonwalk.  In fact, that's just how Jesus walks backwards normally.  He's like, 'I'm Jesus; I just glide.'  And he can do it on water too!"

5) Urinal

I won't even bother with background info.  Just check this out.

Joe: The maintenance dude in the bathroom just took the urinal off the wall!  That is the most amazing thing ever because there were only TWO pipes back there which means I could easily have one in my own home!
Me: Why would you want one?
Joe: Because no one else has one!
Me: But why do you need it?
Joe: Ashley, 25 years ago no one had cell phones because they didn't need them.  You could use the same logic here.
Me: What??????
Joe: Look, this isn't a matter of needing it.  This is a matter of awesomeness.

Yeah.  Just ... yeah.

6) Rocketmail

Again, really no background needed for this one. 

Joe: Ashley, I'd like you to know that I got a new email account with ROCKETMAIL!
Me: Did you pick Rocketmail because of its name?
Joe: Well yeah, I think that's pretty obvious.  ROCKETMAIL!  That shit is awesome!  No one's ever gonna forget that!
Laura (co-worker who sits next to me): Sorry Joe, what did you say the name was again?
Joe: I'll say it again just because I love saying it so much.  ROCKETMAAAAAAIL!!!!

P.S. That last "Rocketmail" outburst was sung to the tune of Elton John's "Rocket Man."  I know you guys are super jealous of all the time I get to spend with Joe.  Maybe one day I will have some sort of blog contest where the winner gets to have lunch with him.  I don't trust Joe to behave like a normal human around my friends, though, so I'd probably have to tag along to supervise.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


This post is dedicated to Kelly, who gave me the idea for the topic - hooray for her :)  Ok, so the following is a list of things that annoy me about summertime:

1) Bikinis

Not only do I feel gross and fat while wearing them, but people who actually ARE gross and fat still attempt to squeeze into these things.  I know there are lots of girls out there who are all "I'm big; it's fabulous!"  but I don't understand why they need to further put that on display by wearing a bikini.  I mean, if you're a big gal, trust me we can all see it when you're wearing normal clothing.  I kind of blame the clothing companies, actually.  There should be some kind of size limit on bikinis - why would they even make them for huge women???  That's just encouraging them!

Actually, maybe they do have a size limit because once at the beach I saw this gigantic woman in a bikini, and while I was holding back the vomit I suddenly noticed that she wasn't wearing a bikini at all.  She was waddling around the beach in her freakin' bra and underwear!!  And they didn't even match!  How could she possibly think that was acceptable?  Did she honestly believe she could fool people into thinking it was a legit bathing suit?  I'm assuming she either couldn't find one in her size OR she's just the most white trash woman on the planet and does this type of thing 24/7.

The worst part is: the bra was white ... and she went swimming in it ... and it got very wet and see-through ... so her knee-length boobs were on clear display for everyone.  Hang on, I need to puke.

2) Sunblock

I know it's a good thing because it protects against skin cancer blah blah blah.  But I detest this crap.  It's greasy and disgusting and even when you fully rub it in you are STILL all greasy for what seems like days.  I swear sometimes it doesn't even totally come off after showering.  And yes, I have tried the "non-greasy" stuff and the spray-on stuff and all the many varieties.  Trust me, the end result is no different.  They all turn you into a giant Grease Person. 

But yeah, I never know which brand to get or which spf level.  They say anything above 30 is bullshit, but that doesn't stop me from being all "Let's get spf 80!  Then we can feel free to vacation on the sun this year and not worry about burning!"  What are the differences in the brands, though?  Surely all sunblock is pretty equal.  I mean, it really only has one job to do.  Although, I'm telling you, even when I feel like I am covered from head to toe in it, there's still at least one tiny section of my skin that burns.  I think this proves that they need to work on the "waterproof" and "won't rub off" aspects because now I'm paranoid that if anyone touches me while I'm wearing sunblock, it will all come off and I will immediately get melanoma.

3) The Fact That I Don't Have a Pool

Look, when it's 100 degrees outside and I'm in a third-floor apartment, all I can think about is jumping into a giant cold pool.  Buuuuuut I don't want to join some stupid community pool and share my paradise with others.  First of all, they are way expensive.  Second, who knows what people do in those things when no one's paying attention?  Case in point: I was at an amusement park one year and, while in the pool area for one of the water rides, discovered a CONDOM floating around!!! 

So yeah, I want my very own personal pool please.  I wonder if the apartment balcony is strong enough to support one.  I suppose as a last resort I could just fill the bathtub with cold water and get in there.  Can't really swim in such a small space, though.  Plus, I tend to be randomly ambushed by spiders while showering, so if I saw one of those in my Bath Pool, I would spaz out and flood the whole apartment.  Rick would probably be mad.  Although, he'd only have himself to blame because he's one of those never-kill-spiders hippies.

4) Tanning

The pressure to get a tan during the summer drives me insane.  I used to stress about it and practically die of heat stroke trying to stay outside long enough to turn brown.  I don't tan easily, however, so I am done with trying.  I realize this means I will pretty much be an albino chick all summer, but I'd rather be that than all burned and peeling. 

In the past I also tried going to a tanning bed, but that didn't last long.  Those things are torture devices.  To start, they are shaped like coffins ... so yeah, how relaxing.  Second, they trick you by having a built-in fan to supposedly keep you cool while you tan.  Um, no.  All the fan does is blow hot air at you while you sweat like crazy lying in between rows of the brightest and hottest lights known to man.

Now, having said all that, I love laughing at people who take tanning very seriously.  There are those out there who, usually by spray tanning, end up orange.  I'm really not sure why this happens.  You'd think that, if everyone's goal is to be brown, the people who make fake tanners would make them in such a way that when you apply them, you turn brown.  Is that really such a difficult concept?  What I also don't understand is that some of these people are like glowing neon orange.  If I used a fake tanning product and it turned me the SLIGHTEST shade of orange, I would stop.  These people apparently don't care or else strive to be the most orange person out there because they obviously use the product 20 times a day.

The other people who crack me up are the One-Siders.  These people only tan one side of their body.  I can understand that lying only on a certain side might be more comfortable than flipping back and forth, but why would you want to only half-tan yourself?  I mean, it's going to be pretty obvious when you stand up and start walking around. 

Perhaps it's a form of disguise.  Let's say you're a One-Sider who is being chased by a criminal.  As you run away from them, all they can see are the blindingly white backs of your legs, so they can keep track of you pretty easily.  BUT what you can do is suddenly duck into a store and then turn around to face the entrance.  Now you are a tan person, and they won't recognize the front of you.  As the criminal scans the store, totally bewildered, you can make your escape.  You'd have to walk backwards, though, so as not to reveal your Casper-white backside and once again become a target.

I know, I know.  I'm a genius.