Saturday, March 26, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Post

Well, this is my first stream of consciousness entry, meaning I'm not writing on a particular topic.  I'm just kind of thinking and typing as things enter my massive genius brain.  Scared?

So I'm listening to the college basketball game that's currently on tv, but I have no idea who is winning.  Rick is "watching" it while doing something on his laptop.  Oh, now he's talking to me about some "upset" in some game.  I'm not really paying attention to him.  In other news, there is no real comfortable position to be in on this bed while I'm trying to type, and that's super annoying.  Also my nose itches - what does that mean?  According to my mom, if your palms itch it means you're about to get money.  Maybe I'll get lucky and my nose itching will mean I'm about to get something even more amazing.  But, who am I kidding?  I'm American.  Nothing is more amazing than money.  Duh.

Why doesn't popcorn fill me up at all?  I just went to see a movie, and I had popcorn, but now I'm still hungry.  Also, I feel like movie theater popcorn bags are neverending.  I swear I ate throughout the entire 2 hour movie and didn't even come close to reaching the bottom of the bag, and it was only medium sized!  That's the magic of the cinema for you.  Or ... something.

The guy on tv said something about being naked.  What the fuck?  Are they gonna have a naked playoff game at some point in this tournament?  Because that might hurt.  I mean, I don't have a penis, but I'd imagine running around dribbling a ball and slamming into people might not be good for that part of the body when not at least protected by shorts.  Ok, now I'm just picturing a naked basketball game.  Ew.  So much sweat.

Ok I need to move on from that pleasant thought.  I want food!  Tonight Rick is cooking us jambalaya with scallops in it - sooooooooooo good ohmygod.  I am so glad I found someone who loves to eat almost as much as I do.  I bet the people who read this blog who haven't seen me in a while assume I'm now super obese because of how much I talk about food.  Actually, lately I've been really stepping up my game as far as trying to prevent that by going to the gym 3 times a week.  Nevermind the fact that I'm so out of shape that I feel like I'm about to die after 20 minutes of cardio.

Hmmmmmm so ok sometimes this is what I think about:

The first person to ever have the hiccups must have been totally freaked out. 

Imagine being the first human ever to have that experience.  Like, all the other cavemen and women are staring at you and you're just making stupid noises uncontrollably while your stomach jumps around.  Weird.  Also, speaking of cavemen - what's up with the Flintstones?  They had a dinosaur.  How?  Weren't they all dead?  Wait, didn't they have a mammoth on that show too?  Who wrote that shit?

My mom often tells me I try way too hard to make tv shows make sense logically.  This is true.  For example, it really pisses me off that there's a beach on the show Spongebob Squarepants.  A beach ... in the fucking ocean.  Like, hello!  You're already deep underwater!  Also, I just realized all the characters take showers ... like, they have a shower and tub and water comes out of the showerhead and everything.  IN THE OCEAN.  My mom's response would be something like, "Yeah Ashley, well why don't we start with the fact that the sea creatures can all talk?"  But my logic stuff is specific.  I'm willing to overlook things like animals talking.  Patrick makes me laugh, though, so I'll forgive that show for now. 

Oh speaking of cartoon stuff, I scored the deal of the century today.  I found Fern Gully on dvd for 5 dollars!  So, naturally, I snatched that shit up.  Fern Gully is legit such a good movie.  I mean, now that I'm no longer a little kid watching it, all the tree-hugger, let's-all-save-the-rainforest stuff is kind of annoying, but Robin Williams does a voice in it!  Awesome.  Oh, and just so you know, I love the rainforest a lot ... I just don't want that kind of message shoved down my throat for an hour and a half.

Ok I really am starving now.  Would Rick think it's too early to start cooking?  What if he isn't at all hungry yet and I end up having to sit here in agony for like 2 more hours?  I think I'm gonna ask ...

Ok thank god, he stopped what he was doing and is now in the kitchen cooking for me.  This is love, people.  He's not starving, but he "could eat," so it'll be FOOD TIME SOON YAAAAAAAAAAAY.  Ok, I'm done with this now. 


Monday, March 14, 2011

TV Show Ideas

I kind of want my own show, or else a show starring me AND Rick.  I mean, I could make tons of money, and everyone would admire me and want to know me and send me fan mail.  So anyway, these are the ideas I have come up with.  If anyone knows a tv producer, feel free to direct him/her to this blog post. 

1) Eating Adventures
At first, I thought this would be a show where Rick and I could travel the world, just eating everything in sight.  But then I was like ... traveling is an expensive way to start out the show.  So, until the show becomes a hit, Rick and I can just chill out at his apartment and set up a camera in the corner to record our food habits.  We can also have eating contests on-camera, since we do that anyway in our spare time.  I'd have to probably hire professional hair and makeup people, though, because once I start chowing down, unless I look super pretty, the viewers are gonna be too grossed out to continue to watch the show.  Actually, I would probably get a lot of letters from health people telling me I'm going to have a million heart attacks if I keep up this diet.  So maybe this wouldn't work with my whole getting-fan-mail fantasy.

2) Who Snored the Loudest Last Night?

Rick and I both snore ... loudly.  But this would give the viewers (and us) a chance to see who will take home the Loud Snoring trophy (which I would have built, in the shape of a giant nose) after maybe a month of observation.  I guess just watching 2 people sleep would get a little boring, so we can have bonus challenges to liven things up.  Like, one night, one of the crew members can randomly start a small fire at the edge of our bed, and whoever doesn't get burned is the winner.  We could also get bonus points for any intervals of really gross-sounding snoring.  Oh, and if, for example, Rick is snoring directly into my ear (which happens fairly often), if I don't punch him in the face, I automatically win all the points for that night.

3) Choosing An Outfit: The Race Against Time!

This will be timed, obviously.  Rick and I would have a deadline as to when we had to leave the apartment to go out somewhere.  Whoever gets dressed and ready first is the winner.  Now, I know what you're thinking: Rick will always win.  Not necessarily!  For one thing, I don't wear makeup, so that means all I have to do is pick out clothes.  Granted, sometimes I fall into the everything-makes-me-look-like-a-whale syndrome, so he might have the advantge on those nights.  HOWEVER, there are some nights where Rick walks out in an outfit and I give him a look that says, "If you wear that, people will see us and think, 'Isn't it sweet of that girl to take her mentally handicapped friend out in public?'"  So then he has to go change, which would buy me extra time and a chance at total victory!!!

4) Movie Tolerance Challenge

I believe this would be the most stressful show for both of us, but I would struggle through it for the fans!  We would take turns picking out movies for both of us to watch, and the challenge would be that the non-picker would not be allowed to make any negative comments about the movie the entire time.  Things like eye rolls or angry sighs would deduct points.  So, for example, if Rick chose something like Cool Hand Luke, I would have to resist the urge to blurt out "This movie is bullshit, and I don't give a fuck about Luke or the current temperature of his hand."  That would probably cost me the round.  Along that same line, if I chose The Bridges of Madison County, he would have to resist the urge to roll his eyes and say "Oh God" every 5 seconds.

5) Who's a Better Side-Seat Driver?

We do this all the time, so we might as well get paid for it.  A panel of judges would decide whose comments were most helpful to whichever one of us was currently driving.  Any backtalk from the driver would result in an automatic 5 point deduction.  The driver would get an opportunity to defend his or her driving at the end of the trip, right before the judges start scoring.  For instance, if I pointed out that Rick kept going up on curbs, his excuse of "They were just bumps on the road!" would probably not sway the judges very much.  Also, if he pointed out my constant need to yell and cuss at idiotic drivers, I could argue that they very much deserved it.  WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO!  Though, again, the judges probably wouldn't tolerate my road rage.

So yes, I think we are destined for stardom.  Please comment below with what show you'd most like to see, and that way I'll know where to start.  If you have any other suggestions, you can also pass those along.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Cadbury Eggs: They Make Life Worth Living

I love the first few months of the year.  This is not because of New Year's or my birthday or Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day or any of that.  It is because that's when the magical, wonderful people at Cadbury release the Cadbury Eggs into the stores for Easter.

Do I give a shit about Easter?  No, not really.  I actually don't even know much about why it's a holiday ... something about Jesus?  I guess?  I think they should totally hand out Cadbury Eggs during Easter church services, just as a thank you for attending.  Maybe then I would bother learning about how Jesus turned water into the Easter Bunny or whatever it is they talk about during Easter church.

Anyway, I am 100% addicted to these eggs.  I am a fan of Cadbury chocolate in general as it is, and I can eat it plain, but when combined with the cream filling ... it's a religious experience.  Hey, wait, maybe THAT'S why people go to church on Easter!

I am capable of eating probably 20 Cadbury Eggs a day.  I haven't actually tried this, but I don't think it would be difficult at all.  I wish they could make them so that they contained lots of vitamins and shit, and then I could just eat them for every meal.  Sure, I would be mordbidly obese, but would it be worth it?  I wanna say yes.

So yeah, I'm dreading Easter actually getting here, and the eggs disappearing from grocery store shelves.  I'm going to have to stock up before that day.  Maybe I could convince Rick to clear out his entire pantry area, and I could use all those shelves for my egg supply.  Or wait, would I need to freeze them?  Do they go bad?  How can I not know this?  Ok, well if I need the freezer, Rick will just have to deal with not having any frozen stuff for ... a long time.  Because I plan on hoarding at least 500 of these things.  I figure that'll be enough to last me an extra month or so.  Maybe.

Speaking of Rick, he hates Cadbury Eggs.  Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still dating a person with that much evil in them.  And, honestly, sometimes when I'm in the middle of a Cadbury Egg frenzy and there's chocolate all over my face and I think I might choke and die, I wonder the same thing.  I mean, significant others are supposed to support each other's passions in life, right?  I fully support his love for carrot cake (barf!!!), but when he asks how my day was, and I tell him it was great because I ate 10 Cadbury Eggs, he looks at me like there's something wrong with me!  Not supportive.

This has now got me thinking.  I mean, let's say Rick was being held hostage, and the only way I could free him was to sign a contract saying I would never again consume another Cadbury Egg.  Could I do that?  Oh god, this is making me question all my priorities!  On the one hand, I love Rick.  But, let's face it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say.  There is only one thing that tastes as good as a Cadbury Egg.  So, this is really a no-brainer. 

I am now realizing he's going to read this blog post. 

Hi honey!  I love you!  You can't be mad because my relationship with Cadbury Eggs has been around a lot longer than my relationship with you.  I believe in loyalty, so I'm sorry to inform you, you'll always be 2nd place.  But that's still good - that's like winning a silver medal at the Olympics!  How many people can say they've done that?!  ... Please don't break up with me.

Let me now explain all the good that could come out of more people being as obsessed with this candy as I am:

1) Work Productivity

Instead of coffee, employees should have Cadbury Egg dispensers in their offices.  The sugar rush would make them much more energetic and productive.  Granted, the employers would probably have to invest in a much more expensive dental plan once all the cavities start showing up ... but whatever.

2) Student Motivation

Instead of some bullshit like getting an A+ on a test, students should be rewarded with Cadbury Eggs.  College admissions people wouldn't have to worry about SAT scores or essays or activities or any of that nonsense.  They would simply have to pull the students' files and check out their egg grand totals and then decide if they'd eaten enough to get into the college.  I can say this much - if I'd had the option of getting Cadbury Eggs for excellent schoolwork, I would have gotten into Harvard.

3) Crime Reduction

Clearly, I've proven it's possible to get addicted to Cadbury Eggs.  And, trust me, once you've eaten 5 or more, you definitely get a serious rush.  Therefore, why are drug addicts wasting their time with crack and weed and everything else?  If they just got high off these eggs, there go all the drug problems!  Yes, the obese population would go WAY up, but think about it: If people are so fat that they can barely lift the eggs to their mouths, they can't exactly go around robbing or shooting people now can they?

I think maybe I should run for President.

Feel free to comment on this post with what candy you're addicted to.  I can't be the only one, right?

... Right?!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cruise Characters

There were quite a few interesting people on our cruise ship, but a few stood out as especially entertaining.  On the night of the formal dinner, Rick and I were seated in a booth adjacent to a table of people with thick New York accents.  They were not at all quiet with their conversations, so I was able to figure out that the cast was:

Daughter (approximately age 10)
Friend (or possibly sister) of Mom

The night started out with everyone seated at the table except the dad.  The daughter was in the middle of complaining about something by saying "I told you I didn't want the underwater one!  Jesus!!!"  She had quite a lot of attitude for her age, I must say.  Anyway, while they were all arguing about "the underwater one," the dad came stumbling up to the table, clearly wasted off his ass.  He immediately assumed they had all been talking about him behind his back, and he was not in a good mood:

Daughter: I think I want a salad.
Dad: Don't get salad unless you wanna have gas!  Do you want gas??  Is that what you want???
Mom (to Dad): You need to stop.
Dad (to Daughter): You wanna see the meanest person in the world?  Look right next to you!  Your mother is the meanest person in the world!

Seriously, that's the best insult he could come up with.  Telling a kid that her mom is mean.  As if the kid didn't already think her mom was mean for getting her "the underwater one."

Dad: I mean it.  I have all her email and Facebook passwords, and I check them at work!  And she's always saying stuff about me!  All the time!

Is this guy mentally 20 years old?  He's spying on his wife's Facebook?  At work??  Also, not such a brilliant plan to reveal that he does this right in front of the person who can now go in and change all her passwords.  At this point, he got so outraged thinking about all the Facebook shit-talking, that he suddenly stood up, threw down his napkin, shouted "THINK TWICE!!!!!" at the mom, and stormed off.  I'm not sure what "Think twice" meant, but if I were her, I'd be thinking more than twice about divorcing that moron.

About ten minutes later, the dad returned to the table, sat down, and was silent ... for about two whole seconds.  It wasn't totally his fault, though.  He was provoked by his wife blatantly muttering things about him just loud enough so he knew she was insulting him in some way.  Keep in mind, this is all going on during a formal dinner night on a cruise ship in front of total strangers and the waiter and, oh yeah, their child.  So anyway, the wife is saying stuff about him to herself, which makes him explode once again:

Dad: Come on, bitch, you got another thing to say?!
Friend of Mom: Susan, shut the hell up already!
Dad: THINK TWICE!!!!!!!!!  (storms off again)

That was basically it.  Rick and I were stunned into trying-not-to-bust-out-laughing silence the entire time.  I kind of wish all my meals came with such good entertainment.  Speaking of entertainment, there were several other unique individuals on the ship worth mentioning:

1) Thug-Looking Guy In Dance Club

During the 70s and 80s flashback dance night, he burst into the club with a cry of "Oh yeah, this shit is my JAM!"  The song playing was "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.  I'm glad disco is "stayin alive" in the hood.

2) Fast Food Celebrity

This guy was at least 50,000 pounds, and he walked around wearing a huge purple shirt.  Rick and I therefore affectionately referred to him as Grimace (like the McDonald's character).  Rick created a theory that the rocking of the ship was not due to the ocean, but it was in fact due to Grimace waddling from buffet to buffet.

3) Riverdancer

At the dance club, there were these gay guys dancing together.  It started out pretty normal, but then one of them suddenly started moving his feet as fast as possible and jumping around.  It looked like Lord of the Flamers.  The normal-dancing gay guy didn't stick around much longer after that started, so the guy doing Riverdance just kind of kept going without a partner.  He didn't look like he cared.

I love people.