Ok, guys. Return of my blog posts. I wrote this one a while back (like in September), and I was gonna delete it and start a fresh one, but it's just too funny, and you all deserve to see this:
I am a huge fan of the show Sex and the City, and so, I'm a follower of that Facebook page. It's not some stellar page, but they do post little quotes and photos from the episodes that always make me happy.
Until recently.
Recently, they have been having "caption this photo" contests, and I've captioned a few of them. To my horror, I noticed that most of the comments being submitted were guys requesting sex. Like, actually propositioning the women who were captioning the pictures.
At first, I was like, "What the hell?!" but then I stopped to think. I realized that the pervy comments from these guys were usually in broken English. I then realized that these guys had no idea what Sex and the City was. They just saw the word "sex" and assumed it was some sort of Facebook hookup page!
So now, whenever I comment on something on that page, my Facebook inbox gets cluttered with messages from these guys, which I then have to clear out and report that I don't know them, etc. I'm not that upset about it, though, because they are just so hilarious to read. I'm going to post some comments below of the things I've seen on the Sex and the City Facebook page. I am not making any of this up. As I said, these usually start appearing like crazy as soon as women start commenting on the posted episode photos.
- "do you have video clips of sex...??"
- "for ladies sekss" (note: this guy's profile pic was of a penis ... these are the times when I hate the fact that a mini version of someone's profile pic shows up beside their comments)
- "Wael come lady romance weeth love free" (what?????)
-"Com on lady i am romantick boy love"
-"Hello. Are you sex."
-"i am sexy and cool"
-"r u know american language" (yes, but obviously YOU aren't know it)
-"love + love = veri love"
-"nice yaar i will come in soon with you sex in bedooooogoh" (I really can't make this stuff up. What's with the "yaar"? Is he a pirate?)
-"IS IT SEX PARTY"
-"love - sex = life" (Actually, I think that equals marriage ... but my math is a little rusty.)
-"hi greeting from my partner I am lookin for ladies" (I don't think your partner would appreciate that very much.)
-"Fucking? hahahahahah" (Well, not if you're gonna laugh at me, dude.)
Hope you enjoyed those!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
How to Solve Any Problem
Hello, devoted fans! I know that, like me, everyone out there has tons of problems. I don't mean mental problems, before you ask. I just mean annoying crap that we all have to deal with on a regular basis. So, with this blog post I am going to give you some amazing methods to solve those problems. These can pretty much be applied to anything negative that comes up in your life. With this great act of generosity, I have ALREADY solved one of your problems, if one of your problems happens to be "I don't know how to solve problems." And I figure it must be ... because you're still reading.
1) Eat a Shitload of Food
**note: You can feel free to do this anytime, even when you're not trying to solve a problem. I do this every day, and I highly recommend this way of life.**
Trust me, this works. Let's say you have a work deadline that you're struggling to meet, and you're in a panic about how to come up with an excuse or get your boss to let you have more time. What you should do is drive to the nearest fast food restaurant, pull into the drive-thru, and proceed to order like 15 items. It's important to state here that I don't recommend actually going into the restaurant and placing this order. People will probably look at you like you're insane and/or a whale. So, definitely use the drive-thru method, and then haul ass back home, all the while savoring the grease fumes being emitted from your 5 bags.
Once home, sit down in front of a table that has a lot of free space for you to spread out your impromptu Thanksgiving. Gaze lovingly at the spread, and then dig in! Eat as fast as possible - The faster you eat, the quicker the problem goes away. This is a scientific fact, people. Eat until you can't even move. You might feel sick, but that's not technically a problem because of how much fun you had when you were in the process of getting sick. So now, that work deadline is nothing to you. You just consumed like 50,000 calories; you are a hero. Heroes don't worry about deadlines. It's not like Batman ever had deadlines! Well, unless you count things like wanting to save someone's life before a bomb went off ... but none of you are that important, so forget that.
The lesson here is: Food (especially fast food) is so wonderful that it will make your problem seem like SO not a big deal. You're welcome.
2) Ignore It
I feel like some weirdos (my parents) used to talk about how ignoring problems will only make them get bigger/worse. This is bullshit. If you ignore a problem ... someone else will come along and take care of it for you.
For example, let's say I come home one evening and I see a sink full of dishes. I think to myself, "Oh my god, I hate doing dishes! Why are these here?? Why can't we live in a building with a dishwasher?? My life sucks so much!" But then, after some more deep reflection, I think, "I will just pretend that I didn't walk into the kitchen when I got home." You see? If I act like I didn't notice the dishes, then when Rick gets home he'll just do them! Problem freakin solved.
Husbands have been using this method ever since they lived in caves. They also use the thing where they pretend they don't know how to use cleaning supplies. Genius. Lucky for me, I'm in the opposite situation where I'm the lazy ass and my boyfriend is all "I'm gonna get up early and clean stuff."
This method can be used for more than household chores. Like, if your baby is crying, and you ignore it, eventually it'll stop. It might take a while, so maybe have your iPod nearby to drown out the noise. Now, I'm not saying ignore it if the baby actually NEEDS something, but sometimes babies cry just to be little bitches. So, not only will the problem go away, but you'll also be teaching your child that being annoying doesn't pay. Perhaps I should write a childcare book.
3) Make Comparisons
Anytime something's getting you down, just turn on a sitcom, preferably one set in NYC. As you watch, you'll realize that those people go through multiple problems over the course of only half an hour! And afterwards, they're all fine. Things either get worked out or else the situations become too funny for anyone to worry about. You can think to yourself, "Wow, my problem will turn out fine. All I have to do is make some jokes, like these people!"
The thing about shows that are set in NYC is this: Watch those if you're ever having money issues. The characters who live in that city, even if they don't have high-paying jobs (or any job at all), live in great apartments and can go hit the town whenever they want. The shows I recommend for this are "Friends" and "Seinfeld." Worried you won't make rent? Don't. It'll somehow magically work out. It always does for them, right? These things are based on real life.
Or, another way of looking at it is: That's what credit cards are for. God wouldn't have invented Mastercard if he didn't want us to be irresponsible and live in a fantasy land. I take frequent vacations to such lands, especially if I see a Coach outlet.
I wish you all the best of luck with future problems! Please pass these tools for success along to all your friends.
1) Eat a Shitload of Food
**note: You can feel free to do this anytime, even when you're not trying to solve a problem. I do this every day, and I highly recommend this way of life.**
Trust me, this works. Let's say you have a work deadline that you're struggling to meet, and you're in a panic about how to come up with an excuse or get your boss to let you have more time. What you should do is drive to the nearest fast food restaurant, pull into the drive-thru, and proceed to order like 15 items. It's important to state here that I don't recommend actually going into the restaurant and placing this order. People will probably look at you like you're insane and/or a whale. So, definitely use the drive-thru method, and then haul ass back home, all the while savoring the grease fumes being emitted from your 5 bags.
Once home, sit down in front of a table that has a lot of free space for you to spread out your impromptu Thanksgiving. Gaze lovingly at the spread, and then dig in! Eat as fast as possible - The faster you eat, the quicker the problem goes away. This is a scientific fact, people. Eat until you can't even move. You might feel sick, but that's not technically a problem because of how much fun you had when you were in the process of getting sick. So now, that work deadline is nothing to you. You just consumed like 50,000 calories; you are a hero. Heroes don't worry about deadlines. It's not like Batman ever had deadlines! Well, unless you count things like wanting to save someone's life before a bomb went off ... but none of you are that important, so forget that.
The lesson here is: Food (especially fast food) is so wonderful that it will make your problem seem like SO not a big deal. You're welcome.
2) Ignore It
I feel like some weirdos (my parents) used to talk about how ignoring problems will only make them get bigger/worse. This is bullshit. If you ignore a problem ... someone else will come along and take care of it for you.
For example, let's say I come home one evening and I see a sink full of dishes. I think to myself, "Oh my god, I hate doing dishes! Why are these here?? Why can't we live in a building with a dishwasher?? My life sucks so much!" But then, after some more deep reflection, I think, "I will just pretend that I didn't walk into the kitchen when I got home." You see? If I act like I didn't notice the dishes, then when Rick gets home he'll just do them! Problem freakin solved.
Husbands have been using this method ever since they lived in caves. They also use the thing where they pretend they don't know how to use cleaning supplies. Genius. Lucky for me, I'm in the opposite situation where I'm the lazy ass and my boyfriend is all "I'm gonna get up early and clean stuff."
This method can be used for more than household chores. Like, if your baby is crying, and you ignore it, eventually it'll stop. It might take a while, so maybe have your iPod nearby to drown out the noise. Now, I'm not saying ignore it if the baby actually NEEDS something, but sometimes babies cry just to be little bitches. So, not only will the problem go away, but you'll also be teaching your child that being annoying doesn't pay. Perhaps I should write a childcare book.
3) Make Comparisons
Anytime something's getting you down, just turn on a sitcom, preferably one set in NYC. As you watch, you'll realize that those people go through multiple problems over the course of only half an hour! And afterwards, they're all fine. Things either get worked out or else the situations become too funny for anyone to worry about. You can think to yourself, "Wow, my problem will turn out fine. All I have to do is make some jokes, like these people!"
The thing about shows that are set in NYC is this: Watch those if you're ever having money issues. The characters who live in that city, even if they don't have high-paying jobs (or any job at all), live in great apartments and can go hit the town whenever they want. The shows I recommend for this are "Friends" and "Seinfeld." Worried you won't make rent? Don't. It'll somehow magically work out. It always does for them, right? These things are based on real life.
Or, another way of looking at it is: That's what credit cards are for. God wouldn't have invented Mastercard if he didn't want us to be irresponsible and live in a fantasy land. I take frequent vacations to such lands, especially if I see a Coach outlet.
I wish you all the best of luck with future problems! Please pass these tools for success along to all your friends.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Joe Update
My list of Joe quotes is getting longer by the minute, so here are some of the best to give you guys your laugh for the day! If you're a new reader, Joe is my co-worker who is very ... unique. And talks a lot.
1) Punching
Joe, like a lot of people, assumes that when I'm not smiling, that means I must be depressed. I really wish people would just get the fact that my mouth naturally turns down a little when I'm making a straight face. I can't help my stupid genetics - blame my parents!
Joe: Ashley, why are you down?
Me: Let me explain something, Joe. I'm not sitting here all upset. My face just looks that way normally; it always has. I can't help it.
Joe: So what does it look like when you're actually upset? Just your normal face but more so?
Me: I guess.
Joe: Well then one day I'm gonna do something to upset you so that I can see it. Be prepared for that.
Me: What are you gonna do?
Joe: I dunno, like punch you in the shin.
Me: Why bend all the way down to punch my shin? Why not just punch my shoulder?
Joe: Because the shoulder makes it look like I MEANT to attack you. Well, actually, bending down to get the shin requires more effort, so nevermind. I'll work this out, Ashley, don't worry!
Oh good. I was totally worried he wouldn't find a way to punch me.
2) Jesus
The following are some "facts" about Jesus that Joe told me:
- Jesus became addicted to crack at age 31
- Jesus kicked his addiction, found followers, and died by age 33
- Jesus died from health complications due to his crack use. The crucifixion was just a government cover-up.
- To prove he could walk on water, Jesus put everyone in a boat, sailed them out to sea, got out of the boat, and just stood on the water. He then told everyone to join him, and they of course fell in. He did this so that he could look more impressive.
So basically, according to Joe, Jesus was a drugged-out asshole. I would apologize for offending my religious readers, but I'm pretty religious myself, and I've basically gotten so used to Joe's Jesus talks that they don't bother me whatsoever. I figure if you guys are still reading, you're used to it too.
3) Birds
Joe HATES birds.
Joe: I especially hate pigeons. The way they walk and bob their heads and twitch - it's creepy!
Laura: Joe, you bob your head when you walk, and you swing your arms.
Joe: No, that's like a robot. That's cool. I'm just telling you, rational or not, I don't like birds. Those little ones are ok, that just hop about. They're so small and cute that you almost imagine you could own one ... except they're infested with vermin.
Laura: See, I had birds as a kid, so I guess it's different for me because I grew up around them.
Joe: Yeah, my parents didn't allow me to have vermin in the house.
4) Birds Part 2
Joe came back a little while later that day to continue his birds rant. This time, my co-worker Scott was involved.
Joe: Do you know how birds clean themselves? They ruffle around in the dirt!
Scott: No, that's what bird baths are for. There's water in there.
Joe: Yeah, water that people have walked by and spit into and other birds have taken a crap in! And birds eat trash! Like, you can go outside and eat a piece of candy and spit it on the ground, and a bird will eat that! And if a dog goes outside and takes a crap, a bird will eat that too!
Scott: Dogs eat crap too.
Joe: Not my dog! At least ... not to my knowledge ... hmm ... note to self, don't let the dog lick you. Anyway, all I'm saying is it's no coincidence that the devil had wings and birds have wings!
5) Evolution
Joe has this theory that rats evolved into snakes, and that's why we have snakes around today. I want to give a shout out to Rick who heard this Joe Rant first and immediately IMed me saying, "Be sure to ask Joe about snakes and rats."
"It is a scientific fact that snakes came from rats. There was a wounded rat with a hurt leg, so it was easier for him to crawl than walk, and a whole breed of snakes was born! The rats lost their hair 'cause it kept catching on stuff as they were crawling, and the ground gave them scabs which turned into scales. These are facts of evolution, Ashley. I learned this in school, but this is stuff they're not supposed to tell you in textbooks. This is knowledge passed down verbally. In fact, I may have broken a sacred pact by sharing this with you."
I wonder if it was "passed down verbally" by all the voices in his head. Just kidding ... I don't actually think Joe is insane. Yet.
6) Evolution Part 2
Joe, Rod, and I were discussing a more common theory of evolution - the one involving monkeys and humans.
Rod: There's a missing link though! Something that came in the middle of monkeys turning into humans!
Joe: Monkeys are gross. They pick those bug things off of each other.
Me: Yeah, nits.
Joe: THAT'S IT! YES, EXACTLY! Knitting monkeys! That's the missing link! Monkeys that are so advanced that they can knit!
I really don't even know what to say about that. I didn't know what to say then either. I couldn't bother with trying to explain "nit" vs. "knit" to Joe. He just seemed so proud of me for coming up with the knitting monkeys missing link.
I've barely made a dent in the quote list, so don't worry - more Joe posts will be on the way soon!
1) Punching
Joe, like a lot of people, assumes that when I'm not smiling, that means I must be depressed. I really wish people would just get the fact that my mouth naturally turns down a little when I'm making a straight face. I can't help my stupid genetics - blame my parents!
Joe: Ashley, why are you down?
Me: Let me explain something, Joe. I'm not sitting here all upset. My face just looks that way normally; it always has. I can't help it.
Joe: So what does it look like when you're actually upset? Just your normal face but more so?
Me: I guess.
Joe: Well then one day I'm gonna do something to upset you so that I can see it. Be prepared for that.
Me: What are you gonna do?
Joe: I dunno, like punch you in the shin.
Me: Why bend all the way down to punch my shin? Why not just punch my shoulder?
Joe: Because the shoulder makes it look like I MEANT to attack you. Well, actually, bending down to get the shin requires more effort, so nevermind. I'll work this out, Ashley, don't worry!
Oh good. I was totally worried he wouldn't find a way to punch me.
2) Jesus
The following are some "facts" about Jesus that Joe told me:
- Jesus became addicted to crack at age 31
- Jesus kicked his addiction, found followers, and died by age 33
- Jesus died from health complications due to his crack use. The crucifixion was just a government cover-up.
- To prove he could walk on water, Jesus put everyone in a boat, sailed them out to sea, got out of the boat, and just stood on the water. He then told everyone to join him, and they of course fell in. He did this so that he could look more impressive.
So basically, according to Joe, Jesus was a drugged-out asshole. I would apologize for offending my religious readers, but I'm pretty religious myself, and I've basically gotten so used to Joe's Jesus talks that they don't bother me whatsoever. I figure if you guys are still reading, you're used to it too.
3) Birds
Joe HATES birds.
Joe: I especially hate pigeons. The way they walk and bob their heads and twitch - it's creepy!
Laura: Joe, you bob your head when you walk, and you swing your arms.
Joe: No, that's like a robot. That's cool. I'm just telling you, rational or not, I don't like birds. Those little ones are ok, that just hop about. They're so small and cute that you almost imagine you could own one ... except they're infested with vermin.
Laura: See, I had birds as a kid, so I guess it's different for me because I grew up around them.
Joe: Yeah, my parents didn't allow me to have vermin in the house.
4) Birds Part 2
Joe came back a little while later that day to continue his birds rant. This time, my co-worker Scott was involved.
Joe: Do you know how birds clean themselves? They ruffle around in the dirt!
Scott: No, that's what bird baths are for. There's water in there.
Joe: Yeah, water that people have walked by and spit into and other birds have taken a crap in! And birds eat trash! Like, you can go outside and eat a piece of candy and spit it on the ground, and a bird will eat that! And if a dog goes outside and takes a crap, a bird will eat that too!
Scott: Dogs eat crap too.
Joe: Not my dog! At least ... not to my knowledge ... hmm ... note to self, don't let the dog lick you. Anyway, all I'm saying is it's no coincidence that the devil had wings and birds have wings!
5) Evolution
Joe has this theory that rats evolved into snakes, and that's why we have snakes around today. I want to give a shout out to Rick who heard this Joe Rant first and immediately IMed me saying, "Be sure to ask Joe about snakes and rats."
"It is a scientific fact that snakes came from rats. There was a wounded rat with a hurt leg, so it was easier for him to crawl than walk, and a whole breed of snakes was born! The rats lost their hair 'cause it kept catching on stuff as they were crawling, and the ground gave them scabs which turned into scales. These are facts of evolution, Ashley. I learned this in school, but this is stuff they're not supposed to tell you in textbooks. This is knowledge passed down verbally. In fact, I may have broken a sacred pact by sharing this with you."
I wonder if it was "passed down verbally" by all the voices in his head. Just kidding ... I don't actually think Joe is insane. Yet.
6) Evolution Part 2
Joe, Rod, and I were discussing a more common theory of evolution - the one involving monkeys and humans.
Rod: There's a missing link though! Something that came in the middle of monkeys turning into humans!
Joe: Monkeys are gross. They pick those bug things off of each other.
Me: Yeah, nits.
Joe: THAT'S IT! YES, EXACTLY! Knitting monkeys! That's the missing link! Monkeys that are so advanced that they can knit!
I really don't even know what to say about that. I didn't know what to say then either. I couldn't bother with trying to explain "nit" vs. "knit" to Joe. He just seemed so proud of me for coming up with the knitting monkeys missing link.
I've barely made a dent in the quote list, so don't worry - more Joe posts will be on the way soon!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
My Tamagotchi Baby
I know you all remember tamagotchis. When they first came out, I had a green one (like the one pictured on this link), and I loved that thing. So, I figured I would try to find one online that I could buy to experience the fun all over again. I looked around on Amazon, and I discovered that they came out with new versions a couple years ago - versions that have a pause function!!! This was amazing news since I have a full-time job and can't imagine getting away with, "Sorry I didn't get that report done on time. My tamagotchi needed me."
So, I ordered one of the newer ones and have been playing around with it for a few days now. There are some new super cool features on this version: earning points by playing games, spending points on items in a store, getting packages in your own little mailbox, being able to praise or discipline your tamagotchi, etc, etc. Overall, it's been a blast.
After discovering my baby tamagotchi was a boy, I had to name him (using a max of 5 letters). I picked the name Clyde ... just randomly. Clyde started out looking like a blob, but now he's a toddler, so he's a blob with legs. This is a current photo of him:
Cute, huh? I know, I know. Anyway, while I love Clyde, he's not always my favorite person ... or ... alien ... or whatever they're supposed to be. Sometimes things about him and the new features really get on my nerves.
1) Playing Games
The games on here aren't incredibly fun, but I like playing them so I can earn points and buy Clyde presents at the store. Clyde used to play with me all the time, but lately whenever I try to make him play, he shakes his head at me! Every time! I figured I would try to entice him into playing by giving him a snack. Well, since that first moment of bribery, he has never gone back to his old ways. I have to literally give that little brat a snack every time I want him to play a game.
I'm like, HELLO?! I'm playing these games for your benefit, Clyde! Don't you want me to be able to visit the store and buy you gifts?? So of course now I'm paranoid that he's going to become obese from being overfed. The instructions warned me to only feed him when he's legit hungry, or else he'll gain weight. Now I'm going to end up having a blob that takes up the entire screen.
2) The Store
The store mainly has food items. So, I'll usually just buy Clyde more snacks to continue the vicious cycle described above. Sometimes, though, the store will have toys. I noticed I could afford a cd the last time I stopped by there, so I went ahead and bought it, thinking how nice it would be for Clyde to have some music in his life. Well, when I actually gave him the cd, this is what happened: He looked at it, and then a question mark appeared over his head. And that was it.
So basically, the thing is worthless. My retarded child doesn't know how to use the damn cd, so I'm like, why even have it in the store in the first place? Do I need to buy a cd player to go with it before he can use it? Does he need to be a teenager in order to understand how it works? What a rip-off! I keep hoping a boombox will appear in the store so I can buy that and finally make use of the cd, but it'll probably never happen. You should see him just standing there staring at it all confused. Maybe he's too fat and lazy from all the snacks to bother with figuring it out.
3) Mailbox
Every so often, the postman will appear on the screen and bring Clyde a package. It's always something like extra points or a heart or other little happy things. However, there was one delivery that was completely shocking to both me and Clyde. This was the scene:
- Tamagotchi starts beeping at me to announce the arrival of the mailman
- Clyde gets all excited about receiving his new package
- I go to the mailbox and have him open the package
- Inside the package is ... poop
No, I'm not kidding. The same image that appears every time Clyde uses the bathroom was sitting in that package waiting for him. It had the stink fumes coming off of it and everything. I think my exact reaction was, "Oh my god, who the fuck would do that?!?!" Needless to say, Clyde went hysterical. His happiness meter dropped all the way to zero, and he started throwing a crying fit. I tried to praise him (for receiving poop in the mail? I don't know; I wasn't thinking) to make him feel better, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. I just had to wait until he calmed down and forgot about it.
Seriously though, what the hell was the tamagotchi company thinking? Was this a joke by some angry employee? Why would POOP be an option for what you can get in the mail?! And I mean, there was no question it was poop. The image was very clear, and it was the exact match to the image that I have to flush away every time Clyde craps on the screen. Sick.
Oh, funny story about Clyde using the bathroom. If I let the shit sit on the screen too long, he'll hide from it. He will hang out on the other side of the screen until I flush it. So yeah, I can understand him being freaked out by the mail incident.
4) School
When I was browsing through the instruction manual, it said something about being able to send your tamagotchi to preschool when he/she is a toddler. Well, I figured I would get Clyde out of the house and send him off to learn something. I went to the menu where the preschool option was supposed to be, but the only option in there was "Work." I looked in all the other menus, but "work" was the closest thing to school that I could find. So, I clicked on it, and the tamagotchi made an angry buzzing noise at me. It was judging me for trying to send my baby to work.
I mean, it wasn't like I really WANTED Clyde to go off to some sweatshop, but there was no school option! The manual had lied to me. A few hours later, though, some random woman appeared on the screen and gave Clyde a package to open. My first thought was, "Please God, don't let him walk into another poop delivery," but when he opened it, there was a cute little backpack inside. So apparently, I needed to wait for some fairy godmother to deliver a backpack to him before he could go to school.
The thing that kills me about this is that now when I send him to preschool, I still have to press the "work" button. So, for all I know, he's not even going to school. Maybe what I assumed was a backpack was actually a satchel to hold his tools for a big construction job. Perhaps he's going off to work the coal mines. He at least smiles when he leaves, so I can be confident that he enjoys whatever he's doing.
Oh, one last fact about Clyde: He goes to bed at 8pm every night and sleeps til 9am. This is because tamagotchis are made for kids, not pathetic adults like me. Oh well!
So, I ordered one of the newer ones and have been playing around with it for a few days now. There are some new super cool features on this version: earning points by playing games, spending points on items in a store, getting packages in your own little mailbox, being able to praise or discipline your tamagotchi, etc, etc. Overall, it's been a blast.
After discovering my baby tamagotchi was a boy, I had to name him (using a max of 5 letters). I picked the name Clyde ... just randomly. Clyde started out looking like a blob, but now he's a toddler, so he's a blob with legs. This is a current photo of him:
1) Playing Games
The games on here aren't incredibly fun, but I like playing them so I can earn points and buy Clyde presents at the store. Clyde used to play with me all the time, but lately whenever I try to make him play, he shakes his head at me! Every time! I figured I would try to entice him into playing by giving him a snack. Well, since that first moment of bribery, he has never gone back to his old ways. I have to literally give that little brat a snack every time I want him to play a game.
I'm like, HELLO?! I'm playing these games for your benefit, Clyde! Don't you want me to be able to visit the store and buy you gifts?? So of course now I'm paranoid that he's going to become obese from being overfed. The instructions warned me to only feed him when he's legit hungry, or else he'll gain weight. Now I'm going to end up having a blob that takes up the entire screen.
2) The Store
The store mainly has food items. So, I'll usually just buy Clyde more snacks to continue the vicious cycle described above. Sometimes, though, the store will have toys. I noticed I could afford a cd the last time I stopped by there, so I went ahead and bought it, thinking how nice it would be for Clyde to have some music in his life. Well, when I actually gave him the cd, this is what happened: He looked at it, and then a question mark appeared over his head. And that was it.
So basically, the thing is worthless. My retarded child doesn't know how to use the damn cd, so I'm like, why even have it in the store in the first place? Do I need to buy a cd player to go with it before he can use it? Does he need to be a teenager in order to understand how it works? What a rip-off! I keep hoping a boombox will appear in the store so I can buy that and finally make use of the cd, but it'll probably never happen. You should see him just standing there staring at it all confused. Maybe he's too fat and lazy from all the snacks to bother with figuring it out.
3) Mailbox
Every so often, the postman will appear on the screen and bring Clyde a package. It's always something like extra points or a heart or other little happy things. However, there was one delivery that was completely shocking to both me and Clyde. This was the scene:
- Tamagotchi starts beeping at me to announce the arrival of the mailman
- Clyde gets all excited about receiving his new package
- I go to the mailbox and have him open the package
- Inside the package is ... poop
No, I'm not kidding. The same image that appears every time Clyde uses the bathroom was sitting in that package waiting for him. It had the stink fumes coming off of it and everything. I think my exact reaction was, "Oh my god, who the fuck would do that?!?!" Needless to say, Clyde went hysterical. His happiness meter dropped all the way to zero, and he started throwing a crying fit. I tried to praise him (for receiving poop in the mail? I don't know; I wasn't thinking) to make him feel better, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. I just had to wait until he calmed down and forgot about it.
Seriously though, what the hell was the tamagotchi company thinking? Was this a joke by some angry employee? Why would POOP be an option for what you can get in the mail?! And I mean, there was no question it was poop. The image was very clear, and it was the exact match to the image that I have to flush away every time Clyde craps on the screen. Sick.
Oh, funny story about Clyde using the bathroom. If I let the shit sit on the screen too long, he'll hide from it. He will hang out on the other side of the screen until I flush it. So yeah, I can understand him being freaked out by the mail incident.
4) School
When I was browsing through the instruction manual, it said something about being able to send your tamagotchi to preschool when he/she is a toddler. Well, I figured I would get Clyde out of the house and send him off to learn something. I went to the menu where the preschool option was supposed to be, but the only option in there was "Work." I looked in all the other menus, but "work" was the closest thing to school that I could find. So, I clicked on it, and the tamagotchi made an angry buzzing noise at me. It was judging me for trying to send my baby to work.
I mean, it wasn't like I really WANTED Clyde to go off to some sweatshop, but there was no school option! The manual had lied to me. A few hours later, though, some random woman appeared on the screen and gave Clyde a package to open. My first thought was, "Please God, don't let him walk into another poop delivery," but when he opened it, there was a cute little backpack inside. So apparently, I needed to wait for some fairy godmother to deliver a backpack to him before he could go to school.
The thing that kills me about this is that now when I send him to preschool, I still have to press the "work" button. So, for all I know, he's not even going to school. Maybe what I assumed was a backpack was actually a satchel to hold his tools for a big construction job. Perhaps he's going off to work the coal mines. He at least smiles when he leaves, so I can be confident that he enjoys whatever he's doing.
Oh, one last fact about Clyde: He goes to bed at 8pm every night and sleeps til 9am. This is because tamagotchis are made for kids, not pathetic adults like me. Oh well!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Facts
I know you are all eager to get to know me better, so I am giving you this list of some of the special characteristics that make me ... me.
1) Onion Rules
I hate onions a lot. They are stupid. If something has even a little bit of onion in it, I automatically consider that dish a D- on the grading scale. Like, I love spaghetti, but if there are little onion bits in the sauce, I feel like I can taste them more than I should be able to, and they always stick to my tongue like they really want to prove the point that they're in there.
HOWEVER, there is one food in the world that contains onions that I absolutely love, and that food is: the hamburger from a McDonald's Happy Meal. Now, it's important to note that any other McDonald's product that contains onions is unacceptable to me. I will only eat them on the Happy Meal burgers. But yeah seriously, I love those little diced up onions they put on there. No idea why. I legit can eat like 4 of those burgers in one sitting. I wish I could recreate them at home, but I know that if I diced up some onions on my own and put them on a burger, it would suck.
It's a good thing I've been eating those Happy Meal burgers since I was little. Otherwise, seeing that they had onions on them, I never would have tried them as an adult.
2) Setting My Alarm
Most mornings, Rick just wakes me up once he's done showering. This is great for me because I get really paranoid that my alarm won't go off. Here is a glimpse of my paranoia, which kicks in at night when I'm setting my alarm for the morning:
Step 1: Set the alarm on my cell phone
Step 2: Check that it's set to the correct time
Step 3: Check that the alarm is set to "On"
Step 4: Check that it's set for "am"
Step 5: Check that my volume is turned on
Step 6: Get worried that it won't be loud enough and turn the volume all the way up
Step 7: Go back in and make sure it's set to the correct time
Step 8: Forget that I checked to make sure it was set to "On" so do that again
Step 9: Stare at the alarm screen for 5 minutes making sure it has the correct time, is on, and is set for "am", while repeating aloud what it says on the screen several times so I know without a doubt that I'm verifying all this information
Step 10: Get worried that I set it too loud, so turn the volume down a couple notches
Steps 11-50: Keep checking every detail until I'm too tired to see the screen anymore
Yes, it's a problem.
3) Computer Wallpapers
When choosing a new background image for my laptop or work computer, I can get kind of intense. I know that this is a picture I'll be seeing often, so it of course has to be perfect. If I decide I'm in a "scenic view of nature" mood, I will scroll through dozens of Google Image Search results, analyzing every nature picture until I find one that's ideal. The same goes if I'm in a "really hot celeb guy" mood or "scene from Nightmare Before Christmas" mood, etc, etc. I am definitely not one of those people that can Google "sunset wallpaper" and just use the first pretty picture that pops up.
Usually, once I choose one, I hate myself for giving up so easily and go back and search again, convinced that there's a better one out there.
4) TV Meals
99% of the time, I cannot watch tv without eating something at the same time. Also, I hate eating something without watching tv at the same time. Those 2 activities just really work well together.
I mean, I love going out to restaurants, but I especially love it if a sports game is on while I'm eating. If I'm at a friend's house and we're watching tv, I have to really try hard not to be like "Ok, I need food NOW!" I don't even know how this all started, but it's gotten a little ridiculous. At home, I never eat at the table. I have all my meals on our bed so that I can watch shows on my laptop, which is right next to the bed. If I were just sitting at the table eating like a normal person, without a show on in the background, I would feel like the meal was wasted.
If Rick and I are watching tv for a couple hours on a lazy Saturday, I will literally snack the entire time. Even if I'm not hungry. This might be an addiction. Luckily, I have not yet gained 500 pounds, and he has not yet said something like, "What the fuck is up with your constant eating? I am dumping you because this is too retarded for me to handle. Best of luck trying not to drive your next boyfriend away."
I might keep doing posts like this every so often. Getting to know me better can be a recurring theme for you guys, like the Joe posts.
1) Onion Rules
I hate onions a lot. They are stupid. If something has even a little bit of onion in it, I automatically consider that dish a D- on the grading scale. Like, I love spaghetti, but if there are little onion bits in the sauce, I feel like I can taste them more than I should be able to, and they always stick to my tongue like they really want to prove the point that they're in there.
HOWEVER, there is one food in the world that contains onions that I absolutely love, and that food is: the hamburger from a McDonald's Happy Meal. Now, it's important to note that any other McDonald's product that contains onions is unacceptable to me. I will only eat them on the Happy Meal burgers. But yeah seriously, I love those little diced up onions they put on there. No idea why. I legit can eat like 4 of those burgers in one sitting. I wish I could recreate them at home, but I know that if I diced up some onions on my own and put them on a burger, it would suck.
It's a good thing I've been eating those Happy Meal burgers since I was little. Otherwise, seeing that they had onions on them, I never would have tried them as an adult.
2) Setting My Alarm
Most mornings, Rick just wakes me up once he's done showering. This is great for me because I get really paranoid that my alarm won't go off. Here is a glimpse of my paranoia, which kicks in at night when I'm setting my alarm for the morning:
Step 1: Set the alarm on my cell phone
Step 2: Check that it's set to the correct time
Step 3: Check that the alarm is set to "On"
Step 4: Check that it's set for "am"
Step 5: Check that my volume is turned on
Step 6: Get worried that it won't be loud enough and turn the volume all the way up
Step 7: Go back in and make sure it's set to the correct time
Step 8: Forget that I checked to make sure it was set to "On" so do that again
Step 9: Stare at the alarm screen for 5 minutes making sure it has the correct time, is on, and is set for "am", while repeating aloud what it says on the screen several times so I know without a doubt that I'm verifying all this information
Step 10: Get worried that I set it too loud, so turn the volume down a couple notches
Steps 11-50: Keep checking every detail until I'm too tired to see the screen anymore
Yes, it's a problem.
3) Computer Wallpapers
When choosing a new background image for my laptop or work computer, I can get kind of intense. I know that this is a picture I'll be seeing often, so it of course has to be perfect. If I decide I'm in a "scenic view of nature" mood, I will scroll through dozens of Google Image Search results, analyzing every nature picture until I find one that's ideal. The same goes if I'm in a "really hot celeb guy" mood or "scene from Nightmare Before Christmas" mood, etc, etc. I am definitely not one of those people that can Google "sunset wallpaper" and just use the first pretty picture that pops up.
Usually, once I choose one, I hate myself for giving up so easily and go back and search again, convinced that there's a better one out there.
4) TV Meals
99% of the time, I cannot watch tv without eating something at the same time. Also, I hate eating something without watching tv at the same time. Those 2 activities just really work well together.
I mean, I love going out to restaurants, but I especially love it if a sports game is on while I'm eating. If I'm at a friend's house and we're watching tv, I have to really try hard not to be like "Ok, I need food NOW!" I don't even know how this all started, but it's gotten a little ridiculous. At home, I never eat at the table. I have all my meals on our bed so that I can watch shows on my laptop, which is right next to the bed. If I were just sitting at the table eating like a normal person, without a show on in the background, I would feel like the meal was wasted.
If Rick and I are watching tv for a couple hours on a lazy Saturday, I will literally snack the entire time. Even if I'm not hungry. This might be an addiction. Luckily, I have not yet gained 500 pounds, and he has not yet said something like, "What the fuck is up with your constant eating? I am dumping you because this is too retarded for me to handle. Best of luck trying not to drive your next boyfriend away."
I might keep doing posts like this every so often. Getting to know me better can be a recurring theme for you guys, like the Joe posts.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Concert Tales
A couple days ago, Rick, Rick's friend Roland, and I drove down to North Carolina to see the Poison and Motley Crue concert. Both bands were amazing to see live, so I'm really glad we went. I'm especially glad because that trip was full of sightings of really weird people.
1) Jeep Beluga Whale
The drive down was nothing too exciting ... until Roland made an amazing discovery. Suddenly from the back seat, Rick and I heard Roland exclaim, "Oh yeah, baby!" He then called our attention to the vehicle merging onto the interstate next to us. It was a white jeep - the kind with no roof or windows. The driver was an ultra pale, ultra fat guy with no shirt. He was cruising along with his arm draped over the back of the passenger seat in what I'm sure he imagined was a cool pose.
I'm telling you, this guy's gut was massive. We were all hoping he had sunblock on since it was about 100 degrees and he was practically albino. The major problem with this guy was that he was driving like 20 under the speed limit, which made laughing at him more difficult since he kept falling so far behind us. I'm guessing the jeep just couldn't move very fast under all that weight.
So, for the next 15 minutes of the drive, Rick tried to slow down/change lanes enough so that this guy would end up right next to us because Roland and I wanted to take pictures of him. Finally it worked, and we got some good pics. I was laughing hysterically at the sight of him, and he knew it too, because he kept staring at me. Oh well.
I'd post the pics on here, but I'm paranoid about getting sued or something. I have them on my phone, though, so if you see me regularly, just ask and I'll show you. Or, for those of you who don't live close by, I can text them to you.
2) Concert Highlights
There were many drunk people at the concert of course. Below are some of my favorite memories.
- The first one I saw was this loud annoying chick with no music knowledge. In between bands, the song "What I Got" by Sublime was playing, and every 5 seconds, she would holler, "OHMYGOD, THIS IS SUGAR RAY! I LOVE THEM! THIS IS SO SUGAR RAY!" Um, no. Just because the bands start with the same letter does not make them the same band. I really had to fight back the urge to correct her. I'm surprised none of her friends said anything, unless they all thought it was Sugar Ray too.
- At one point, we saw a guy walk by wearing black leather assless chaps. Under those, he had on a red speedo. His hair was a huge black curly afro, which I'm assuming was a wig since he was white. I actually saw people posing for pictures with him, and I was tempted to do the same, but I decided I didn't want to get that close to him after all.
- Once Poison had played a couple songs, Bret Michaels was making a little speech:
Bret: It's awesome to be back here in Charlotte!
Wasted Guy Behind Me: IT'S AWESOME TO HAVE YOU, BRET MICHAELS! WOOOOOOOO!
- When Motley Crue was playing a slow song, I decided to run to the bathroom. As I was exiting the ladies' room, there was a GUY coming in! He walked past me like it was a normal thing he was doing, and I just stopped to watch him. When he got halfway in, he finally realized his mistake:
Guy: Whoa! This isn't right!
Me: Yeah, I was just waiting to see how far you got.
- Towards the end of the show, Nikki Sixx (bassist of Motley Crue) decided to make a heartfelt speech of his own:
"You know what I've seen tonight? There's a dude over here that's ... how old are you, man? 10? He's 10 years old! And I saw a lady over here who looks like she's about 80. From the fuckin' cradle to the grave - Motley Crue!!!"
I'm sure the older woman felt so flattered.
3) Post-Show
Rick and I were completely worn out after the concert, so when we got back to our hotel room, the plan was just to take quick showers and go right to sleep. However, as I was getting into the shower, Rick turned the tv on and immediately busted out laughing. He shouted that I had to "come see this," so I went to investigate.
What I saw was this: a black "pastor" shouting at the top of his lungs into the camera at me. He said his name was Pastor Travis Action Jackson, and this is what he was screaming:
"Call this number, and I will rush you, RUSH YOU, your free vial of miracle blessed oil!!! I'm lookin' right at you! I know ya been tryin' to prosper in your relationship! Oh glory!!! I wish that I could just reach out from this television lens, OH GLORY, and take you by the hand, OH GLORY!"
Seriously. Miracle blessed oil. Rick and I were intrigued, (and laughing so hard we physically couldn't change the channel) so we kept watching. To our delight, Pastor Jackson demonstrated how the oil worked. Basically, he would find someone who had "back problems for over 10 years" and then pour olive oil on their heads. I mean, he didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was a bottle of store-bought olive oil. Once he did this, the people (usually women) would begin speaking in tongues and 2 seconds later were completely healed! Then Action Jackson would have them look straight into the camera and talk about what a miracle his olive oil was.
I think my favorite part was when he was saying that if I called the number and got the oil, God would place a "manservant" before me. I mean, I wouldn't mind having a manservant, if I'm being honest. He could use my vial of blessed olive oil to cook for me and such.
1) Jeep Beluga Whale
The drive down was nothing too exciting ... until Roland made an amazing discovery. Suddenly from the back seat, Rick and I heard Roland exclaim, "Oh yeah, baby!" He then called our attention to the vehicle merging onto the interstate next to us. It was a white jeep - the kind with no roof or windows. The driver was an ultra pale, ultra fat guy with no shirt. He was cruising along with his arm draped over the back of the passenger seat in what I'm sure he imagined was a cool pose.
I'm telling you, this guy's gut was massive. We were all hoping he had sunblock on since it was about 100 degrees and he was practically albino. The major problem with this guy was that he was driving like 20 under the speed limit, which made laughing at him more difficult since he kept falling so far behind us. I'm guessing the jeep just couldn't move very fast under all that weight.
So, for the next 15 minutes of the drive, Rick tried to slow down/change lanes enough so that this guy would end up right next to us because Roland and I wanted to take pictures of him. Finally it worked, and we got some good pics. I was laughing hysterically at the sight of him, and he knew it too, because he kept staring at me. Oh well.
I'd post the pics on here, but I'm paranoid about getting sued or something. I have them on my phone, though, so if you see me regularly, just ask and I'll show you. Or, for those of you who don't live close by, I can text them to you.
2) Concert Highlights
There were many drunk people at the concert of course. Below are some of my favorite memories.
- The first one I saw was this loud annoying chick with no music knowledge. In between bands, the song "What I Got" by Sublime was playing, and every 5 seconds, she would holler, "OHMYGOD, THIS IS SUGAR RAY! I LOVE THEM! THIS IS SO SUGAR RAY!" Um, no. Just because the bands start with the same letter does not make them the same band. I really had to fight back the urge to correct her. I'm surprised none of her friends said anything, unless they all thought it was Sugar Ray too.
- At one point, we saw a guy walk by wearing black leather assless chaps. Under those, he had on a red speedo. His hair was a huge black curly afro, which I'm assuming was a wig since he was white. I actually saw people posing for pictures with him, and I was tempted to do the same, but I decided I didn't want to get that close to him after all.
- Once Poison had played a couple songs, Bret Michaels was making a little speech:
Bret: It's awesome to be back here in Charlotte!
Wasted Guy Behind Me: IT'S AWESOME TO HAVE YOU, BRET MICHAELS! WOOOOOOOO!
- When Motley Crue was playing a slow song, I decided to run to the bathroom. As I was exiting the ladies' room, there was a GUY coming in! He walked past me like it was a normal thing he was doing, and I just stopped to watch him. When he got halfway in, he finally realized his mistake:
Guy: Whoa! This isn't right!
Me: Yeah, I was just waiting to see how far you got.
- Towards the end of the show, Nikki Sixx (bassist of Motley Crue) decided to make a heartfelt speech of his own:
"You know what I've seen tonight? There's a dude over here that's ... how old are you, man? 10? He's 10 years old! And I saw a lady over here who looks like she's about 80. From the fuckin' cradle to the grave - Motley Crue!!!"
I'm sure the older woman felt so flattered.
3) Post-Show
Rick and I were completely worn out after the concert, so when we got back to our hotel room, the plan was just to take quick showers and go right to sleep. However, as I was getting into the shower, Rick turned the tv on and immediately busted out laughing. He shouted that I had to "come see this," so I went to investigate.
What I saw was this: a black "pastor" shouting at the top of his lungs into the camera at me. He said his name was Pastor Travis Action Jackson, and this is what he was screaming:
"Call this number, and I will rush you, RUSH YOU, your free vial of miracle blessed oil!!! I'm lookin' right at you! I know ya been tryin' to prosper in your relationship! Oh glory!!! I wish that I could just reach out from this television lens, OH GLORY, and take you by the hand, OH GLORY!"
Seriously. Miracle blessed oil. Rick and I were intrigued, (and laughing so hard we physically couldn't change the channel) so we kept watching. To our delight, Pastor Jackson demonstrated how the oil worked. Basically, he would find someone who had "back problems for over 10 years" and then pour olive oil on their heads. I mean, he didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was a bottle of store-bought olive oil. Once he did this, the people (usually women) would begin speaking in tongues and 2 seconds later were completely healed! Then Action Jackson would have them look straight into the camera and talk about what a miracle his olive oil was.
I think my favorite part was when he was saying that if I called the number and got the oil, God would place a "manservant" before me. I mean, I wouldn't mind having a manservant, if I'm being honest. He could use my vial of blessed olive oil to cook for me and such.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Joe Update
Yes friends, once again I bring you tales from Joe World.
1) Father
Joe often asks people if they get along with their parents. I think Joe loves his parents because he is obligated to, but he doesn't really *like* them most of the time ... or, at least, he doesn't want them hanging around. One day, Joe was talking about his dad:
"I'll hug the man once in a while ... like twice a year ... his birthday and Christmas and stuff. But the Christmas hug really depends on what present he gives me."
Never was there a more loving son.
2) Hold the Tomatoes
Background info: another co-worker, Laura, went out to lunch one day. Upon her return, Joe asked her what she ordered, and she said she ordered a sandwich. The following is the remainder of that conversation. Oh, and yes, Laura likes to laugh at Joe too, so she eggs him on like I do:
Joe: Did the sandwich have tomatoes on it?
Laura: No, I had them hold the tomatoes.
Joe: You had them hold them?
Laura: Yep, I had them stand at the table the whole time I was eating just holding the tomatoes. I always have them do that.
Joe: Do you ever dismiss them early?
Laura: No, they have to stand there til I'm done.
Joe: That's good, Laura, 'cause once you go soft on them one time, they'll expect it every time. You stick to your guns.
Laura: Exactly. And, it's worth every penny of the tip I give them too.
Joe: Yeah, they have to earn that 27 or 30 cents! And hey, that starts to add up. I mean, once you get a couple of those tips, you can afford to buy a soda pop! And a nice 16 ounce, too, not some dinky 12 ounce can. Like The Beatles said, Laura, it's a hard day's night. It's all about earning.
I can't even ... I don't ... how did Hard Day's Night fit into this?????
3) Windshield Grieving
"I hate those people that put the things on their back windshield that are like 'In loving memory of so and so' and list the dates of their life. And they say things like, 'A prince among men' or 'Greatest fish ever.'" I mean I'm just like, people die all the time, and that's great for you ... well, it's not GREAT for you, but that's great if you wanna grieve. But keep your grief to yourself."
The fish part really made me wonder. I certainly hope people don't put little tributes to their dead fish on their cars, but you never know.
4) Crack
Joe has a lot of views on this drug ... he even has some views related to Jesus and crack, but I'll save that for another post. For now, here's this:
"I mean, just because someone used to be on crack, does that mean they are a bad person? I like to believe so, but people can get better. They can stop using the crack. And not only do they have to stop using the crack, but they have to stop advocating the use of crack. They can't go around saying, 'Yeah I no longer use crack, but it might be good for YOU.'"
What a dealing technique, huh? Yeah I finally broke my horrible addiction, but you look like you could use some of this stuff, so knock yourself out, buddy!
5) Sugar Foot
Several times a day, Joe just walks up to my desk and says something random. This is the latest:
Joe: Ashley, what do you think about this as the ultimate email address - sugarfoot@rocketmail.com!!!
Me: Why "sugar foot?"
Joe: 'Cause I've always wanted to be called that. Do you think it would catch on as a nickname?
Me: Sure.
Joe: Would YOU call me that?
Me: Uh ...
Joe: I knew it. I can't even get my own wife to call me that.
And I'm not kidding, as I'm typing this, Joe is at his desk telling someone else about his Sugar Foot name idea. Also, he created a Sugar Foot dance. It involves him swiveling the ball of his right foot around on the floor as if he's rubbing out a scuff mark, closing his eyes, and nodding his head to the rhythm.
I think he's secretly hoping it will become the new dance craze of the nation.
1) Father
Joe often asks people if they get along with their parents. I think Joe loves his parents because he is obligated to, but he doesn't really *like* them most of the time ... or, at least, he doesn't want them hanging around. One day, Joe was talking about his dad:
"I'll hug the man once in a while ... like twice a year ... his birthday and Christmas and stuff. But the Christmas hug really depends on what present he gives me."
Never was there a more loving son.
2) Hold the Tomatoes
Background info: another co-worker, Laura, went out to lunch one day. Upon her return, Joe asked her what she ordered, and she said she ordered a sandwich. The following is the remainder of that conversation. Oh, and yes, Laura likes to laugh at Joe too, so she eggs him on like I do:
Joe: Did the sandwich have tomatoes on it?
Laura: No, I had them hold the tomatoes.
Joe: You had them hold them?
Laura: Yep, I had them stand at the table the whole time I was eating just holding the tomatoes. I always have them do that.
Joe: Do you ever dismiss them early?
Laura: No, they have to stand there til I'm done.
Joe: That's good, Laura, 'cause once you go soft on them one time, they'll expect it every time. You stick to your guns.
Laura: Exactly. And, it's worth every penny of the tip I give them too.
Joe: Yeah, they have to earn that 27 or 30 cents! And hey, that starts to add up. I mean, once you get a couple of those tips, you can afford to buy a soda pop! And a nice 16 ounce, too, not some dinky 12 ounce can. Like The Beatles said, Laura, it's a hard day's night. It's all about earning.
I can't even ... I don't ... how did Hard Day's Night fit into this?????
3) Windshield Grieving
"I hate those people that put the things on their back windshield that are like 'In loving memory of so and so' and list the dates of their life. And they say things like, 'A prince among men' or 'Greatest fish ever.'" I mean I'm just like, people die all the time, and that's great for you ... well, it's not GREAT for you, but that's great if you wanna grieve. But keep your grief to yourself."
The fish part really made me wonder. I certainly hope people don't put little tributes to their dead fish on their cars, but you never know.
4) Crack
Joe has a lot of views on this drug ... he even has some views related to Jesus and crack, but I'll save that for another post. For now, here's this:
"I mean, just because someone used to be on crack, does that mean they are a bad person? I like to believe so, but people can get better. They can stop using the crack. And not only do they have to stop using the crack, but they have to stop advocating the use of crack. They can't go around saying, 'Yeah I no longer use crack, but it might be good for YOU.'"
What a dealing technique, huh? Yeah I finally broke my horrible addiction, but you look like you could use some of this stuff, so knock yourself out, buddy!
5) Sugar Foot
Several times a day, Joe just walks up to my desk and says something random. This is the latest:
Joe: Ashley, what do you think about this as the ultimate email address - sugarfoot@rocketmail.com!!!
Me: Why "sugar foot?"
Joe: 'Cause I've always wanted to be called that. Do you think it would catch on as a nickname?
Me: Sure.
Joe: Would YOU call me that?
Me: Uh ...
Joe: I knew it. I can't even get my own wife to call me that.
And I'm not kidding, as I'm typing this, Joe is at his desk telling someone else about his Sugar Foot name idea. Also, he created a Sugar Foot dance. It involves him swiveling the ball of his right foot around on the floor as if he's rubbing out a scuff mark, closing his eyes, and nodding his head to the rhythm.
I think he's secretly hoping it will become the new dance craze of the nation.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Drunk People and a Band
I attended a birthday party for one of my aunts last weekend at a bar. The place had a band playing, and they ROCKED ... and some of the customers got really into the music. Most of the embarrassing ones were not official party guests, so at least I can safely say that my aunt has the sense to stay away from those people. They were basically drunk rednecks, and I will now describe a few of the most interesting ones.
1) Ugly Girl Who Thought She Was Hot
Ok so this chick was super ugly. Yet, despite her ugliness, she was constantly dancing right in front of the band (when no one else was dancing) so that everyone looking towards the band was forced to see her. She was moving her hips around in what she thought was a sexy manner. She thought wrong. She would also randomly stick her tongue out at people. I guess this was some sort of seduction attempt, but all it got her was laughter. Eventually some other gals made the mistake of stepping onto the dance floor while she was still out there. Seeing this new prey, she instantly decided to grind up on them, and it was clear to me that these girls not only had no idea who she was, but they were also pretty terrified.
When she realized (after about 15 minutes) that the girls just weren't that into her, she tried a new dance move. She would violently fling her arms out to the side like a bird spreading its wings and then hold that pose for a few seconds and repeat. I mean ... I know she was drunk, but come on. Some spazzed-out bird dance isn't going to make people want to be your friend. That's just common sense.
2) Loud Outburst Guy
I first discovered this fellow when one of the band members addressed the crowd in between songs:
Band Member: I love this crowd; you guys are rockin!
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!
It was funny at first, but after that, whenever there was a pause in the music, this dude would bust out with "ROCK THAT SHIT" as loud as possible. I mean, he wouldn't even say it at appropriate moments. Someone in the band would say something like, "Ok, we're gonna take a little break," and the "ROCK THAT SHIT" would still be loud and clear. I bet he says it all the time as some sort of bizarre version of Tourette's. I can just picture his wedding day (assuming someone is dumb enough to marry him):
Minister: Do you take th-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: Heh ... ok. Anyway, do you take this wom-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: .........womantobeyourlawfullyweddedwife?
Loud Outburst Guy: I do. ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!
3) Old Clown Lady
This gal looked about 70, and her face was done up with the loudest makeup ever. If it was an attempt to look youthful, that attempt failed miserably. She just looked like some retired clown freak. She started off by just dancing on her own, but soon, seeing how hilarious her dance moves were, some really young guys started taking turns dancing with her for a laugh. She was of course loving it, and it probably made her think her face paint had succeeded in making her look like a hot 25 year old.
Her main dance move was this: She would place her arms in a T-Rex position (bent at the elbows and wrists and pulled close to her chest) and strut around in a circle bending her knees as little as possible. She was walking like a toy soldier, but she was sticking her butt out at the same time. So to recap, here we had: T-Rex arms, butt out, and locked knees. I have never seen anything quite like it, and I give her props for not falling over.
Someone her own age eventually got so turned on by her exotic moves that he just had to go strut around with her. This, I believe, is when Alzheimer's started to catch up with her. She and the old guy would be dancing up a storm and then suddenly she would pause, look at him with SUPER WIDE EYES, grin like an idiot, and continue dancing. It was like she kept forgetting and then noticing that someone was dancing with her, and each time she realized this, she got sooooooo excited. If I were that guy, I would have freaked out ... but then again, this is the guy who voluntarily danced with a Tyrannosaurus Clown.
4) The Conductor
There was a man who looked about 60 who kept chugging beers like nobody's business. He continually placed himself directly in front of the guitarist and proceeded to conduct him through entire songs. I'm not kidding. This guy, beer in hand, would hold his arms out and flail them around at the poor guitarist while staring him down. Sometimes he would get so lost in the music that he would have to close his eyes, but this did not keep him from his job. He conducted the shit out of those songs.
I think my favorite part was that whenever he got tired, he would take a huge swig from his beer bottle (like, head tilted back til it was completely drained) and then, from that, get a burst of energy that allowed him to launch back into scaring the guitarist with ease. I figured the beer would slow him down, but oh no, he was too dedicated.
Oh, I forgot to comment on his highly professional conductor's outfit. He was wearing a black tank top and light blue jeans with patches all over them. I mean, that's classy as hell. He needs to seriously consider applying to conduct professional orchestras. He might have to switch from beer to martinis though.
So folks, as you can tell, I really enjoy watching drunk and/or insane people. If you know of any good locations in which to do so, please let me know.
1) Ugly Girl Who Thought She Was Hot
Ok so this chick was super ugly. Yet, despite her ugliness, she was constantly dancing right in front of the band (when no one else was dancing) so that everyone looking towards the band was forced to see her. She was moving her hips around in what she thought was a sexy manner. She thought wrong. She would also randomly stick her tongue out at people. I guess this was some sort of seduction attempt, but all it got her was laughter. Eventually some other gals made the mistake of stepping onto the dance floor while she was still out there. Seeing this new prey, she instantly decided to grind up on them, and it was clear to me that these girls not only had no idea who she was, but they were also pretty terrified.
When she realized (after about 15 minutes) that the girls just weren't that into her, she tried a new dance move. She would violently fling her arms out to the side like a bird spreading its wings and then hold that pose for a few seconds and repeat. I mean ... I know she was drunk, but come on. Some spazzed-out bird dance isn't going to make people want to be your friend. That's just common sense.
2) Loud Outburst Guy
I first discovered this fellow when one of the band members addressed the crowd in between songs:
Band Member: I love this crowd; you guys are rockin!
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!
It was funny at first, but after that, whenever there was a pause in the music, this dude would bust out with "ROCK THAT SHIT" as loud as possible. I mean, he wouldn't even say it at appropriate moments. Someone in the band would say something like, "Ok, we're gonna take a little break," and the "ROCK THAT SHIT" would still be loud and clear. I bet he says it all the time as some sort of bizarre version of Tourette's. I can just picture his wedding day (assuming someone is dumb enough to marry him):
Minister: Do you take th-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: Heh ... ok. Anyway, do you take this wom-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: .........womantobeyourlawfullyweddedwife?
Loud Outburst Guy: I do. ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!
3) Old Clown Lady
This gal looked about 70, and her face was done up with the loudest makeup ever. If it was an attempt to look youthful, that attempt failed miserably. She just looked like some retired clown freak. She started off by just dancing on her own, but soon, seeing how hilarious her dance moves were, some really young guys started taking turns dancing with her for a laugh. She was of course loving it, and it probably made her think her face paint had succeeded in making her look like a hot 25 year old.
Her main dance move was this: She would place her arms in a T-Rex position (bent at the elbows and wrists and pulled close to her chest) and strut around in a circle bending her knees as little as possible. She was walking like a toy soldier, but she was sticking her butt out at the same time. So to recap, here we had: T-Rex arms, butt out, and locked knees. I have never seen anything quite like it, and I give her props for not falling over.
Someone her own age eventually got so turned on by her exotic moves that he just had to go strut around with her. This, I believe, is when Alzheimer's started to catch up with her. She and the old guy would be dancing up a storm and then suddenly she would pause, look at him with SUPER WIDE EYES, grin like an idiot, and continue dancing. It was like she kept forgetting and then noticing that someone was dancing with her, and each time she realized this, she got sooooooo excited. If I were that guy, I would have freaked out ... but then again, this is the guy who voluntarily danced with a Tyrannosaurus Clown.
4) The Conductor
There was a man who looked about 60 who kept chugging beers like nobody's business. He continually placed himself directly in front of the guitarist and proceeded to conduct him through entire songs. I'm not kidding. This guy, beer in hand, would hold his arms out and flail them around at the poor guitarist while staring him down. Sometimes he would get so lost in the music that he would have to close his eyes, but this did not keep him from his job. He conducted the shit out of those songs.
I think my favorite part was that whenever he got tired, he would take a huge swig from his beer bottle (like, head tilted back til it was completely drained) and then, from that, get a burst of energy that allowed him to launch back into scaring the guitarist with ease. I figured the beer would slow him down, but oh no, he was too dedicated.
Oh, I forgot to comment on his highly professional conductor's outfit. He was wearing a black tank top and light blue jeans with patches all over them. I mean, that's classy as hell. He needs to seriously consider applying to conduct professional orchestras. He might have to switch from beer to martinis though.
So folks, as you can tell, I really enjoy watching drunk and/or insane people. If you know of any good locations in which to do so, please let me know.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Wii and Me
I am an extremely competitive person. I hate losing, and well actually I just hate not being the best at everything. Second place sucks. Even when I'm playing some pointless game, I still get super into it and feel like if I don't do well, I'm a failure at life. This happens a lot when Rick and I play games on the Wii. I don't play a ton of games on that system, but the ones I do play mean a lot to me. If I lose to him, I will usually throw a fit. The following is a brief list of the kind of crap my boyfriend has to put up with on a regular basis. He must love me a lot.
1) Mariokart
So basically, I love little cartoon racing games like this and always have. I have also always been good at them, so when I introduced Rick to this game, I thought, "This is gonna be awesome. He has never played this before, so I will kick his ass and feel like a champion!" My plan worked for a while, and I still beat him about 90% of the time. Every so often, though, I'll screw up or he'll get lucky or happen to just race really well on that course ... and he will win.
If this happens one time, I'm usually ok about it. I can keep my rage to myself and smile at him and be all, "That was good, babe!" even though it's really never a sincere remark. What happens after that, though, is I keep thinking about the fact that I lost, and it affects my gameplay for the rest of the night. I start driving my little character off cliffs or crashing into walls.
At this point, all sanity goes out the window, and I begin blaming the game for my actions as I lose more and more. I become convinced that the game is cheating and wants me to lose. Or I feel that the game is giving Rick an unfair advantage:
- "You're getting all the good items! Even when I'm in LAST PLACE all I get is a fucking BANANA to use!"
- "Ok, I was turning as hard as I could, and I still fell off the course. Your controller is working better than mine!"
- "I mean, whatever. I don't care anymore. This game is like racist against my character or something and has decided to never let me win ever again."
So, I end up stopping. Wii Sports games are even worse ...
2) Bowling
I swear, Wii Bowling is a scam. I'll get a strike one time, and then throw the EXACT SAME WAY on my next turn and knock down like 3 pins. I know you're thinking that my arm is probably twisting slightly and moving the controller a little bit and that's why it's messing up, but you are wrong!!! I am not at fault! I'm telling you, it's the damn game.
Anyway, when Rick and I play this, it usually doesn't end well. When he rolls a bad frame, he has a normal reaction like, "Damn it," and is then completely over it. I get furious every time I don't get a strike. I feel like if every frame isn't a strike then I'm horrible at the game. Do I realize how stupid and irrational that is? Of course ... NOW. But, when I'm in the moment, I can't think rationally. I really do feel sorry for Rick, now that I'm sitting down thinking about this. Oh well.
Here are some of my reactions when I don't get strikes:
- "God DAMN it, why did it go off to the LEFT?!?! My arm was STRAIGHT!!!"
- "What the FUCK?!?! That was a strike the last time!!!!"
- "Why the hell didn't that pin fall over? LOOK AT THE REPLAY! THAT OTHER PIN CLEARLY HIT IT!"
- "Great, I'm glad this game lets YOU get strikes all the damn time, and when I do the same thing you're doing, I end up with a fucking SPLIT!"
3) Tennis
Ok, this is by far the game I'm worst at, and therefore this game brings out the worst in me. Rick is pretty good at it, so I don't know why I bother playing with him at all. I'm sure I psych myself out right from the beginning thinking about how much I suck, but I'm crazy, so I keep trying and hoping that one day I'll magically be able to beat him every time.
As soon as I hit my first bad shot, I start to freak out. From there, just like in Mariokart, once I start to lose, I just play worse and worse. I begin sighing angrily and scowling at the tv. If I get REALLY pissed off then I'll start losing on purpose by either not swinging my racket at all or swinging it super hard and hitting the ball into the crowd. At that point, I usually throw myself onto the couch and punch the cushions. Rick always tries to talk me down, but it never works:
Rick: It's ok ...
Me: It's not ok! Why do I suck at this?!?!
Rick: You don't suck; you just hit a couple bad shots.
Me: Well, why do I keep doing it? I mean, what is WRONG with me?!
Rick: Ashley, nothing is wrong with you.
Me: Fine. Then you tell me what to do to fix this.
In the past when I have asked for Rick's advice, he would give me what he thought were helpful tips on how to improve my game. As soon as he said them, I would get pissed that he was telling me how to play ... even though I had just asked him to. I would think, "Oh he thinks he's SO much better than me and perfect at this game. What an ass." Then I would try his tips, but at that point I would be so worked up that they wouldn't work for me. Although, I usually only tried them once before slamming back down onto the couch again.
Me: I'm doing what you said, and I'm still SUCKING! Obviously your advice didn't help!
Rick: That last one was better. You just have to work at it and practice.
Me: No because I keep messing up the exact same way! No matter what I do, I don't get better! I mean who does this?! Who keeps playing the same game and gets progressively WORSE at it?!?!
That's when Rick stops talking and walks away to let me calm down on my own. It takes me a few minutes, but eventually I start to feel like an idiot and go apologize a lot. He now never gives me advice on how to improve because he knows I will throw a fit and blame him for my poor performance. I think that whenever I say, "Let's play the Wii tonight!" he secretly wants to respond with, "Fuck no, I'm not playing with your psycho ass ever again," but, he's a good boyfriend, and has been dealing with me for two years, so he always says yes.
I keep telling myself it's going to be different next time, and I will be able to remain completely calm and play like my life doesn't depend on winning. I'm sure one day I'll be able to do that. Like maybe when I'm 90 years old and my vision is too bad to see that I'm in last place.
1) Mariokart
So basically, I love little cartoon racing games like this and always have. I have also always been good at them, so when I introduced Rick to this game, I thought, "This is gonna be awesome. He has never played this before, so I will kick his ass and feel like a champion!" My plan worked for a while, and I still beat him about 90% of the time. Every so often, though, I'll screw up or he'll get lucky or happen to just race really well on that course ... and he will win.
If this happens one time, I'm usually ok about it. I can keep my rage to myself and smile at him and be all, "That was good, babe!" even though it's really never a sincere remark. What happens after that, though, is I keep thinking about the fact that I lost, and it affects my gameplay for the rest of the night. I start driving my little character off cliffs or crashing into walls.
At this point, all sanity goes out the window, and I begin blaming the game for my actions as I lose more and more. I become convinced that the game is cheating and wants me to lose. Or I feel that the game is giving Rick an unfair advantage:
- "You're getting all the good items! Even when I'm in LAST PLACE all I get is a fucking BANANA to use!"
- "Ok, I was turning as hard as I could, and I still fell off the course. Your controller is working better than mine!"
- "I mean, whatever. I don't care anymore. This game is like racist against my character or something and has decided to never let me win ever again."
So, I end up stopping. Wii Sports games are even worse ...
2) Bowling
I swear, Wii Bowling is a scam. I'll get a strike one time, and then throw the EXACT SAME WAY on my next turn and knock down like 3 pins. I know you're thinking that my arm is probably twisting slightly and moving the controller a little bit and that's why it's messing up, but you are wrong!!! I am not at fault! I'm telling you, it's the damn game.
Anyway, when Rick and I play this, it usually doesn't end well. When he rolls a bad frame, he has a normal reaction like, "Damn it," and is then completely over it. I get furious every time I don't get a strike. I feel like if every frame isn't a strike then I'm horrible at the game. Do I realize how stupid and irrational that is? Of course ... NOW. But, when I'm in the moment, I can't think rationally. I really do feel sorry for Rick, now that I'm sitting down thinking about this. Oh well.
Here are some of my reactions when I don't get strikes:
- "God DAMN it, why did it go off to the LEFT?!?! My arm was STRAIGHT!!!"
- "What the FUCK?!?! That was a strike the last time!!!!"
- "Why the hell didn't that pin fall over? LOOK AT THE REPLAY! THAT OTHER PIN CLEARLY HIT IT!"
- "Great, I'm glad this game lets YOU get strikes all the damn time, and when I do the same thing you're doing, I end up with a fucking SPLIT!"
3) Tennis
Ok, this is by far the game I'm worst at, and therefore this game brings out the worst in me. Rick is pretty good at it, so I don't know why I bother playing with him at all. I'm sure I psych myself out right from the beginning thinking about how much I suck, but I'm crazy, so I keep trying and hoping that one day I'll magically be able to beat him every time.
As soon as I hit my first bad shot, I start to freak out. From there, just like in Mariokart, once I start to lose, I just play worse and worse. I begin sighing angrily and scowling at the tv. If I get REALLY pissed off then I'll start losing on purpose by either not swinging my racket at all or swinging it super hard and hitting the ball into the crowd. At that point, I usually throw myself onto the couch and punch the cushions. Rick always tries to talk me down, but it never works:
Rick: It's ok ...
Me: It's not ok! Why do I suck at this?!?!
Rick: You don't suck; you just hit a couple bad shots.
Me: Well, why do I keep doing it? I mean, what is WRONG with me?!
Rick: Ashley, nothing is wrong with you.
Me: Fine. Then you tell me what to do to fix this.
In the past when I have asked for Rick's advice, he would give me what he thought were helpful tips on how to improve my game. As soon as he said them, I would get pissed that he was telling me how to play ... even though I had just asked him to. I would think, "Oh he thinks he's SO much better than me and perfect at this game. What an ass." Then I would try his tips, but at that point I would be so worked up that they wouldn't work for me. Although, I usually only tried them once before slamming back down onto the couch again.
Me: I'm doing what you said, and I'm still SUCKING! Obviously your advice didn't help!
Rick: That last one was better. You just have to work at it and practice.
Me: No because I keep messing up the exact same way! No matter what I do, I don't get better! I mean who does this?! Who keeps playing the same game and gets progressively WORSE at it?!?!
That's when Rick stops talking and walks away to let me calm down on my own. It takes me a few minutes, but eventually I start to feel like an idiot and go apologize a lot. He now never gives me advice on how to improve because he knows I will throw a fit and blame him for my poor performance. I think that whenever I say, "Let's play the Wii tonight!" he secretly wants to respond with, "Fuck no, I'm not playing with your psycho ass ever again," but, he's a good boyfriend, and has been dealing with me for two years, so he always says yes.
I keep telling myself it's going to be different next time, and I will be able to remain completely calm and play like my life doesn't depend on winning. I'm sure one day I'll be able to do that. Like maybe when I'm 90 years old and my vision is too bad to see that I'm in last place.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Joe Update
It's everyone's favorite time once again! Time for some Joe quotes! I gathered these little gems over the couse of several weeks. Enjoy!
1) New Sales Rep
A new sales rep was hired a couple weeks ago, and he sits near Joe. Joe instantly decided that the guy looked exactly like Donnie Wahlberg, and so he only refers to him as Donnie. I actually don't even know the guy's real name because all I hear is Joe saying "Hey, what's up, Donnie?" etc. Anyway, Joe was talking to me about his first impression of the new guy:
Joe: Ashley, I think this new guy is the next big thing.
Me: You mean in sales or just in general?
Joe: Just in general. I'm getting good vibrations from him.
Nevermind the fact that his "good vibrations" joke actually has to do with Mark Wahlberg and not Donnie, but whatever. We'll see how long it takes the new guy to reject this name and tell Joe to shove it.
2) TV Show Confusion
An employee who sits near Joe, named Rod, was trying to remember the name of a tv show.
Rod: It's called, like, something "Blues" ... and someone's, like, a police chief in it or something.
Joe: Chief Blues!! It's Chief Blues!
Rod: Uh, no, that's not it ...
Me: Yeah, I know what show you're talking about, and that's definitely not the name.
Joe: Yeah it is! It's Chief Blues! And when he comes home, everyone says, "Hey, Chief!"
Ok, so the show is actually called "Blue Bloods". I really think Joe had never seen or heard of the show but just desperately wanted to be part of the conversation. I guess he just picked 2 words from Rod's description and went with it as his guess for the title. I love his extra effort in trying to convince us by making up a fact about his imaginary show, in which people greet a character with "Hey, Chief!"
3) The Old Guy
Background info: There is a fairly old employee here. I'm guessing the guy is in his sixties. Joe finds it hilarious that the guy, John, is old, and often makes fun of it. John and Rod went to lunch one day, and Rod came back with a story to tell. Of course, he made the mistake of trying to tell it to Joe.
Rod: Hey Joe, guess what John said when we were on the way to lunch!
Joe: "Can we stop somewhere so I can get 16 prescriptions filled"??
I mean, that's pretty hilarious, honestly.
4) Moonwalking Jesus
I don't remember why, but Joe and I got on the topic of Michael Jackson's moonwalk. As you probably all know, I love love love MJ, and I could talk about him and his dance moves for days; however, I could not talk about him for days with Joe. Joe of course must throw Jesus into the conversation. I really still don't get his Jesus obsession - all of his Jesus facts are just made up on the spot, and I don't think Joe is even a little bit religious!
"You know, Ashley, Jesus can moonwalk. In fact, that's just how Jesus walks backwards normally. He's like, 'I'm Jesus; I just glide.' And he can do it on water too!"
5) Urinal
I won't even bother with background info. Just check this out.
Joe: The maintenance dude in the bathroom just took the urinal off the wall! That is the most amazing thing ever because there were only TWO pipes back there which means I could easily have one in my own home!
Me: Why would you want one?
Joe: Because no one else has one!
Me: But why do you need it?
Joe: Ashley, 25 years ago no one had cell phones because they didn't need them. You could use the same logic here.
Me: What??????
Joe: Look, this isn't a matter of needing it. This is a matter of awesomeness.
Yeah. Just ... yeah.
6) Rocketmail
Again, really no background needed for this one.
Joe: Ashley, I'd like you to know that I got a new email account with ROCKETMAIL!
Me: Did you pick Rocketmail because of its name?
Joe: Well yeah, I think that's pretty obvious. ROCKETMAIL! That shit is awesome! No one's ever gonna forget that!
Laura (co-worker who sits next to me): Sorry Joe, what did you say the name was again?
Joe: I'll say it again just because I love saying it so much. ROCKETMAAAAAAIL!!!!
P.S. That last "Rocketmail" outburst was sung to the tune of Elton John's "Rocket Man." I know you guys are super jealous of all the time I get to spend with Joe. Maybe one day I will have some sort of blog contest where the winner gets to have lunch with him. I don't trust Joe to behave like a normal human around my friends, though, so I'd probably have to tag along to supervise.
1) New Sales Rep
A new sales rep was hired a couple weeks ago, and he sits near Joe. Joe instantly decided that the guy looked exactly like Donnie Wahlberg, and so he only refers to him as Donnie. I actually don't even know the guy's real name because all I hear is Joe saying "Hey, what's up, Donnie?" etc. Anyway, Joe was talking to me about his first impression of the new guy:
Joe: Ashley, I think this new guy is the next big thing.
Me: You mean in sales or just in general?
Joe: Just in general. I'm getting good vibrations from him.
Nevermind the fact that his "good vibrations" joke actually has to do with Mark Wahlberg and not Donnie, but whatever. We'll see how long it takes the new guy to reject this name and tell Joe to shove it.
2) TV Show Confusion
An employee who sits near Joe, named Rod, was trying to remember the name of a tv show.
Rod: It's called, like, something "Blues" ... and someone's, like, a police chief in it or something.
Joe: Chief Blues!! It's Chief Blues!
Rod: Uh, no, that's not it ...
Me: Yeah, I know what show you're talking about, and that's definitely not the name.
Joe: Yeah it is! It's Chief Blues! And when he comes home, everyone says, "Hey, Chief!"
Ok, so the show is actually called "Blue Bloods". I really think Joe had never seen or heard of the show but just desperately wanted to be part of the conversation. I guess he just picked 2 words from Rod's description and went with it as his guess for the title. I love his extra effort in trying to convince us by making up a fact about his imaginary show, in which people greet a character with "Hey, Chief!"
3) The Old Guy
Background info: There is a fairly old employee here. I'm guessing the guy is in his sixties. Joe finds it hilarious that the guy, John, is old, and often makes fun of it. John and Rod went to lunch one day, and Rod came back with a story to tell. Of course, he made the mistake of trying to tell it to Joe.
Rod: Hey Joe, guess what John said when we were on the way to lunch!
Joe: "Can we stop somewhere so I can get 16 prescriptions filled"??
I mean, that's pretty hilarious, honestly.
4) Moonwalking Jesus
I don't remember why, but Joe and I got on the topic of Michael Jackson's moonwalk. As you probably all know, I love love love MJ, and I could talk about him and his dance moves for days; however, I could not talk about him for days with Joe. Joe of course must throw Jesus into the conversation. I really still don't get his Jesus obsession - all of his Jesus facts are just made up on the spot, and I don't think Joe is even a little bit religious!
"You know, Ashley, Jesus can moonwalk. In fact, that's just how Jesus walks backwards normally. He's like, 'I'm Jesus; I just glide.' And he can do it on water too!"
5) Urinal
I won't even bother with background info. Just check this out.
Joe: The maintenance dude in the bathroom just took the urinal off the wall! That is the most amazing thing ever because there were only TWO pipes back there which means I could easily have one in my own home!
Me: Why would you want one?
Joe: Because no one else has one!
Me: But why do you need it?
Joe: Ashley, 25 years ago no one had cell phones because they didn't need them. You could use the same logic here.
Me: What??????
Joe: Look, this isn't a matter of needing it. This is a matter of awesomeness.
Yeah. Just ... yeah.
6) Rocketmail
Again, really no background needed for this one.
Joe: Ashley, I'd like you to know that I got a new email account with ROCKETMAIL!
Me: Did you pick Rocketmail because of its name?
Joe: Well yeah, I think that's pretty obvious. ROCKETMAIL! That shit is awesome! No one's ever gonna forget that!
Laura (co-worker who sits next to me): Sorry Joe, what did you say the name was again?
Joe: I'll say it again just because I love saying it so much. ROCKETMAAAAAAIL!!!!
P.S. That last "Rocketmail" outburst was sung to the tune of Elton John's "Rocket Man." I know you guys are super jealous of all the time I get to spend with Joe. Maybe one day I will have some sort of blog contest where the winner gets to have lunch with him. I don't trust Joe to behave like a normal human around my friends, though, so I'd probably have to tag along to supervise.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Summer
This post is dedicated to Kelly, who gave me the idea for the topic - hooray for her :) Ok, so the following is a list of things that annoy me about summertime:
1) Bikinis
Not only do I feel gross and fat while wearing them, but people who actually ARE gross and fat still attempt to squeeze into these things. I know there are lots of girls out there who are all "I'm big; it's fabulous!" but I don't understand why they need to further put that on display by wearing a bikini. I mean, if you're a big gal, trust me we can all see it when you're wearing normal clothing. I kind of blame the clothing companies, actually. There should be some kind of size limit on bikinis - why would they even make them for huge women??? That's just encouraging them!
Actually, maybe they do have a size limit because once at the beach I saw this gigantic woman in a bikini, and while I was holding back the vomit I suddenly noticed that she wasn't wearing a bikini at all. She was waddling around the beach in her freakin' bra and underwear!! And they didn't even match! How could she possibly think that was acceptable? Did she honestly believe she could fool people into thinking it was a legit bathing suit? I'm assuming she either couldn't find one in her size OR she's just the most white trash woman on the planet and does this type of thing 24/7.
The worst part is: the bra was white ... and she went swimming in it ... and it got very wet and see-through ... so her knee-length boobs were on clear display for everyone. Hang on, I need to puke.
2) Sunblock
I know it's a good thing because it protects against skin cancer blah blah blah. But I detest this crap. It's greasy and disgusting and even when you fully rub it in you are STILL all greasy for what seems like days. I swear sometimes it doesn't even totally come off after showering. And yes, I have tried the "non-greasy" stuff and the spray-on stuff and all the many varieties. Trust me, the end result is no different. They all turn you into a giant Grease Person.
But yeah, I never know which brand to get or which spf level. They say anything above 30 is bullshit, but that doesn't stop me from being all "Let's get spf 80! Then we can feel free to vacation on the sun this year and not worry about burning!" What are the differences in the brands, though? Surely all sunblock is pretty equal. I mean, it really only has one job to do. Although, I'm telling you, even when I feel like I am covered from head to toe in it, there's still at least one tiny section of my skin that burns. I think this proves that they need to work on the "waterproof" and "won't rub off" aspects because now I'm paranoid that if anyone touches me while I'm wearing sunblock, it will all come off and I will immediately get melanoma.
3) The Fact That I Don't Have a Pool
Look, when it's 100 degrees outside and I'm in a third-floor apartment, all I can think about is jumping into a giant cold pool. Buuuuuut I don't want to join some stupid community pool and share my paradise with others. First of all, they are way expensive. Second, who knows what people do in those things when no one's paying attention? Case in point: I was at an amusement park one year and, while in the pool area for one of the water rides, discovered a CONDOM floating around!!!
So yeah, I want my very own personal pool please. I wonder if the apartment balcony is strong enough to support one. I suppose as a last resort I could just fill the bathtub with cold water and get in there. Can't really swim in such a small space, though. Plus, I tend to be randomly ambushed by spiders while showering, so if I saw one of those in my Bath Pool, I would spaz out and flood the whole apartment. Rick would probably be mad. Although, he'd only have himself to blame because he's one of those never-kill-spiders hippies.
4) Tanning
The pressure to get a tan during the summer drives me insane. I used to stress about it and practically die of heat stroke trying to stay outside long enough to turn brown. I don't tan easily, however, so I am done with trying. I realize this means I will pretty much be an albino chick all summer, but I'd rather be that than all burned and peeling.
In the past I also tried going to a tanning bed, but that didn't last long. Those things are torture devices. To start, they are shaped like coffins ... so yeah, how relaxing. Second, they trick you by having a built-in fan to supposedly keep you cool while you tan. Um, no. All the fan does is blow hot air at you while you sweat like crazy lying in between rows of the brightest and hottest lights known to man.
Now, having said all that, I love laughing at people who take tanning very seriously. There are those out there who, usually by spray tanning, end up orange. I'm really not sure why this happens. You'd think that, if everyone's goal is to be brown, the people who make fake tanners would make them in such a way that when you apply them, you turn brown. Is that really such a difficult concept? What I also don't understand is that some of these people are like glowing neon orange. If I used a fake tanning product and it turned me the SLIGHTEST shade of orange, I would stop. These people apparently don't care or else strive to be the most orange person out there because they obviously use the product 20 times a day.
The other people who crack me up are the One-Siders. These people only tan one side of their body. I can understand that lying only on a certain side might be more comfortable than flipping back and forth, but why would you want to only half-tan yourself? I mean, it's going to be pretty obvious when you stand up and start walking around.
Perhaps it's a form of disguise. Let's say you're a One-Sider who is being chased by a criminal. As you run away from them, all they can see are the blindingly white backs of your legs, so they can keep track of you pretty easily. BUT what you can do is suddenly duck into a store and then turn around to face the entrance. Now you are a tan person, and they won't recognize the front of you. As the criminal scans the store, totally bewildered, you can make your escape. You'd have to walk backwards, though, so as not to reveal your Casper-white backside and once again become a target.
I know, I know. I'm a genius.
1) Bikinis
Not only do I feel gross and fat while wearing them, but people who actually ARE gross and fat still attempt to squeeze into these things. I know there are lots of girls out there who are all "I'm big; it's fabulous!" but I don't understand why they need to further put that on display by wearing a bikini. I mean, if you're a big gal, trust me we can all see it when you're wearing normal clothing. I kind of blame the clothing companies, actually. There should be some kind of size limit on bikinis - why would they even make them for huge women??? That's just encouraging them!
Actually, maybe they do have a size limit because once at the beach I saw this gigantic woman in a bikini, and while I was holding back the vomit I suddenly noticed that she wasn't wearing a bikini at all. She was waddling around the beach in her freakin' bra and underwear!! And they didn't even match! How could she possibly think that was acceptable? Did she honestly believe she could fool people into thinking it was a legit bathing suit? I'm assuming she either couldn't find one in her size OR she's just the most white trash woman on the planet and does this type of thing 24/7.
The worst part is: the bra was white ... and she went swimming in it ... and it got very wet and see-through ... so her knee-length boobs were on clear display for everyone. Hang on, I need to puke.
2) Sunblock
I know it's a good thing because it protects against skin cancer blah blah blah. But I detest this crap. It's greasy and disgusting and even when you fully rub it in you are STILL all greasy for what seems like days. I swear sometimes it doesn't even totally come off after showering. And yes, I have tried the "non-greasy" stuff and the spray-on stuff and all the many varieties. Trust me, the end result is no different. They all turn you into a giant Grease Person.
But yeah, I never know which brand to get or which spf level. They say anything above 30 is bullshit, but that doesn't stop me from being all "Let's get spf 80! Then we can feel free to vacation on the sun this year and not worry about burning!" What are the differences in the brands, though? Surely all sunblock is pretty equal. I mean, it really only has one job to do. Although, I'm telling you, even when I feel like I am covered from head to toe in it, there's still at least one tiny section of my skin that burns. I think this proves that they need to work on the "waterproof" and "won't rub off" aspects because now I'm paranoid that if anyone touches me while I'm wearing sunblock, it will all come off and I will immediately get melanoma.
3) The Fact That I Don't Have a Pool
Look, when it's 100 degrees outside and I'm in a third-floor apartment, all I can think about is jumping into a giant cold pool. Buuuuuut I don't want to join some stupid community pool and share my paradise with others. First of all, they are way expensive. Second, who knows what people do in those things when no one's paying attention? Case in point: I was at an amusement park one year and, while in the pool area for one of the water rides, discovered a CONDOM floating around!!!
So yeah, I want my very own personal pool please. I wonder if the apartment balcony is strong enough to support one. I suppose as a last resort I could just fill the bathtub with cold water and get in there. Can't really swim in such a small space, though. Plus, I tend to be randomly ambushed by spiders while showering, so if I saw one of those in my Bath Pool, I would spaz out and flood the whole apartment. Rick would probably be mad. Although, he'd only have himself to blame because he's one of those never-kill-spiders hippies.
4) Tanning
The pressure to get a tan during the summer drives me insane. I used to stress about it and practically die of heat stroke trying to stay outside long enough to turn brown. I don't tan easily, however, so I am done with trying. I realize this means I will pretty much be an albino chick all summer, but I'd rather be that than all burned and peeling.
In the past I also tried going to a tanning bed, but that didn't last long. Those things are torture devices. To start, they are shaped like coffins ... so yeah, how relaxing. Second, they trick you by having a built-in fan to supposedly keep you cool while you tan. Um, no. All the fan does is blow hot air at you while you sweat like crazy lying in between rows of the brightest and hottest lights known to man.
Now, having said all that, I love laughing at people who take tanning very seriously. There are those out there who, usually by spray tanning, end up orange. I'm really not sure why this happens. You'd think that, if everyone's goal is to be brown, the people who make fake tanners would make them in such a way that when you apply them, you turn brown. Is that really such a difficult concept? What I also don't understand is that some of these people are like glowing neon orange. If I used a fake tanning product and it turned me the SLIGHTEST shade of orange, I would stop. These people apparently don't care or else strive to be the most orange person out there because they obviously use the product 20 times a day.
The other people who crack me up are the One-Siders. These people only tan one side of their body. I can understand that lying only on a certain side might be more comfortable than flipping back and forth, but why would you want to only half-tan yourself? I mean, it's going to be pretty obvious when you stand up and start walking around.
Perhaps it's a form of disguise. Let's say you're a One-Sider who is being chased by a criminal. As you run away from them, all they can see are the blindingly white backs of your legs, so they can keep track of you pretty easily. BUT what you can do is suddenly duck into a store and then turn around to face the entrance. Now you are a tan person, and they won't recognize the front of you. As the criminal scans the store, totally bewildered, you can make your escape. You'd have to walk backwards, though, so as not to reveal your Casper-white backside and once again become a target.
I know, I know. I'm a genius.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Chewing
I chew on non-food items. All the damn time. Seriously, I don't even notice when I'm doing it anymore. Here is a list of things I love to chew on:
1) cheap plastic pens (especially the tops)
2) water bottles
3) erasers
4) silly putty
5) the rubbery casing that surrounds my fancier pens
6) paper clips
7) finger nails
8) rubber bands
9) straws
I know you're thinking that chewing on something like a paper clip could be painful and dangerous, but don't worry - I am a professional. I have methods to avoid the pain and only experience the pure joy that comes from this bizarre oral fixation. The worst thing about this addiction is probably the embarrassment I feel at work when someone wants to borrow one of my pens. Literally all of my pens have been so chewed up that it looks like a wild animal attacked them. They don't even look like pens. Anyway, here is how the scene goes down:
Co-worker: Hey Ashley, can I borrow a pen real quick?
Me: (panicking, sweating, and glancing nervously at the cylindrical plastic graveyard that is my pen holder) Um ... um ... sure.
That's when I take way too long to choose a pen for them. I attempt to find the least disgusting one, but they're all pretty much horrific. Not to mention that when they ask me, I'm usually in the process of further destroying one of my pens and have the mangled top of it hanging out of my mouth. So, I can usually see the immediate regret in their eyes as they are faced with that sight.
Me: (handing them a heap of plastic and praying it isn't a freshly chewed one with saliva stuck to it) Here you go!
Co-worker: (examining the pen as if I had just handed them a dead rat) Uh, thanks.
They write as quickly as possible, trying to not touch the pen with any unnecessary fingers, and then practically throw it back at me while wiping their hands on their pants. Then they usually scurry off to the bathroom to wash off the shame. I am left totally mortified.
But does this stop me? Do I then make any and all efforts to stop this awful behavior?
No. No I do not. It feels too good. And in my head, I say things like ...
"Hey it's ok, at least you're not a raging alcoholic. At least you're not a crack addict. So you like chewing on things - so what? Babies chew on things all the time and no one says anything to them! Maybe I'm some rare breed of human that actually continues teething through their entire adult life! People should think about THAT before they judge me. Yeah. Yeah, I feel better. Ok, I need a pen. Now."
Speaking of babies, oh my god do they have the most amazing-looking things to chew on! I am so jealous when I see a baby happily chewing on a squishy plastic teething ring, especially the water-filled ones. Why don't they make things like that for adults? I need a company to come out with some adult-appropriate chewing item that won't destroy my teeth any further.
Again, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: gum.
Gum and I get along pretty well, actually, but the texture just isn't solid enough for me. Plus, the flavors can be overwhelming. If they made a gum that was 10 times more solid and was plastic or rubber flavored, I would be all over it, believe me. But they don't. This is why Willy Wonka needs to be real. Surely a man who can fit an entire 3 course dinner into a piece of gum could create these things for me. I'd even offer to babysit the Oompa Loompas for him while he was hard at work. Well, unless they did that let's-surround-this-chick-and-sing-about-her-personality-flaws thing. Then I would probably freak the fuck out and bolt.
By the way, I have been chewing on a pen top the entire time I've been typing this. I actually need to get some new pens because these are the same ones I've been chewing for a couple months now. There's nothing quite like the feel of brand new pen plastic when you take that first bite. Mmmmmm. Oh, I should probably make it clear that I don't get any sexual pleasure out of doing these things. I realize it might sound like I do. You're probably reading this like, "Damn, Rick sure does have it easy if all it takes to turn Ashley on is showing her a new pack of Bics," but honestly, it's not like that.
On a side note, my brother has a thing for chewing ice, and whenever my mom catches him doing it she gives him a lecture about how he's going to ruin his teeth. When I see this interaction, I think 2 things:
1) JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE! CHEWING IS FUN AND ADDICTIVE! LET HIM BE FREE!
2) When she finds out what I chew on, she's going to disown me.
So there you have it. If all the previous blog posts didn't quite convince you that I'm 100% a weirdo, this should do it.
1) cheap plastic pens (especially the tops)
2) water bottles
3) erasers
4) silly putty
5) the rubbery casing that surrounds my fancier pens
6) paper clips
7) finger nails
8) rubber bands
9) straws
I know you're thinking that chewing on something like a paper clip could be painful and dangerous, but don't worry - I am a professional. I have methods to avoid the pain and only experience the pure joy that comes from this bizarre oral fixation. The worst thing about this addiction is probably the embarrassment I feel at work when someone wants to borrow one of my pens. Literally all of my pens have been so chewed up that it looks like a wild animal attacked them. They don't even look like pens. Anyway, here is how the scene goes down:
Co-worker: Hey Ashley, can I borrow a pen real quick?
Me: (panicking, sweating, and glancing nervously at the cylindrical plastic graveyard that is my pen holder) Um ... um ... sure.
That's when I take way too long to choose a pen for them. I attempt to find the least disgusting one, but they're all pretty much horrific. Not to mention that when they ask me, I'm usually in the process of further destroying one of my pens and have the mangled top of it hanging out of my mouth. So, I can usually see the immediate regret in their eyes as they are faced with that sight.
Me: (handing them a heap of plastic and praying it isn't a freshly chewed one with saliva stuck to it) Here you go!
Co-worker: (examining the pen as if I had just handed them a dead rat) Uh, thanks.
They write as quickly as possible, trying to not touch the pen with any unnecessary fingers, and then practically throw it back at me while wiping their hands on their pants. Then they usually scurry off to the bathroom to wash off the shame. I am left totally mortified.
But does this stop me? Do I then make any and all efforts to stop this awful behavior?
No. No I do not. It feels too good. And in my head, I say things like ...
"Hey it's ok, at least you're not a raging alcoholic. At least you're not a crack addict. So you like chewing on things - so what? Babies chew on things all the time and no one says anything to them! Maybe I'm some rare breed of human that actually continues teething through their entire adult life! People should think about THAT before they judge me. Yeah. Yeah, I feel better. Ok, I need a pen. Now."
Speaking of babies, oh my god do they have the most amazing-looking things to chew on! I am so jealous when I see a baby happily chewing on a squishy plastic teething ring, especially the water-filled ones. Why don't they make things like that for adults? I need a company to come out with some adult-appropriate chewing item that won't destroy my teeth any further.
Again, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: gum.
Gum and I get along pretty well, actually, but the texture just isn't solid enough for me. Plus, the flavors can be overwhelming. If they made a gum that was 10 times more solid and was plastic or rubber flavored, I would be all over it, believe me. But they don't. This is why Willy Wonka needs to be real. Surely a man who can fit an entire 3 course dinner into a piece of gum could create these things for me. I'd even offer to babysit the Oompa Loompas for him while he was hard at work. Well, unless they did that let's-surround-this-chick-and-sing-about-her-personality-flaws thing. Then I would probably freak the fuck out and bolt.
By the way, I have been chewing on a pen top the entire time I've been typing this. I actually need to get some new pens because these are the same ones I've been chewing for a couple months now. There's nothing quite like the feel of brand new pen plastic when you take that first bite. Mmmmmm. Oh, I should probably make it clear that I don't get any sexual pleasure out of doing these things. I realize it might sound like I do. You're probably reading this like, "Damn, Rick sure does have it easy if all it takes to turn Ashley on is showing her a new pack of Bics," but honestly, it's not like that.
On a side note, my brother has a thing for chewing ice, and whenever my mom catches him doing it she gives him a lecture about how he's going to ruin his teeth. When I see this interaction, I think 2 things:
1) JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE! CHEWING IS FUN AND ADDICTIVE! LET HIM BE FREE!
2) When she finds out what I chew on, she's going to disown me.
So there you have it. If all the previous blog posts didn't quite convince you that I'm 100% a weirdo, this should do it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Joe Update
I know I wrote a Joe blog not too long ago, but I got some good quotes recently, so I just have to share them with you all.
1) Halloween
Joe informed me that last year for Halloween, he dressed up as Jesus (big surprise) and got super wasted and ended up passing out by 11pm. He also apparently fell off the bed at some point during the night, but he doesn't remember doing that. Instead of taking full responsibility for his actions, Joe chose to blame the costume. He says that since he was dressed as Jesus, people expected him to be able to drink huge quantities of alcohol with no problem. When I asked why they would expect that, he simply said,
"You know, 'cause of that whole water into wine thing. I mean, Jesus is supposed to be able to drink like a motherfucker!"
This year for Halloween, Joe is either dressing up as a chicken or a penguin. My vote is for penguin.
2) Easter
Joe told me yesterday, while we were on the subject of Halloween costume options, that he wants to get a giant bunny outfit in honor of the upcoming Easter holiday. He plans to wear this into work so that his co-workers can take pictures with him. He also generously stated that they could even bring their kids in for photos. I gotta say, even though this idea is ridiculous, I would totally take a pic with Bunny Joe.
Joe is also highly concerned about what his wife is making for Easter dinner:
"I wanna have a say in the menu 'cause if I leave it all up to my wife, I'll end up eating asparagus casserole and asparagus ham and asparagus ... on the cob."
Yeah, God knows I hate that asparagus stuff, especially when it comes on the cob.
3) Joe likes to sing, remember?
Seriously, he sings constantly, always in the high-pitched voice for whatever reason. As I'm writing this, "What a Feeling" from Flashdance is blaring from his direction, and of course he's singing along. Anyway, there was an incident earlier this week that had me laughing for a good 20 minutes straight. There's a guy named Rod who sits next to Joe, and Rod makes a lot of calls to clients and trains them on things and does little important seminars. Well, Rod was on one of these client calls, when out of nowhere, Joe busts out (in the high-pitched girly voice) with:
"DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL! FA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA!!!!!"
I mean, honestly, I have no idea how that song popped into his head, or why he felt the need to holler out that particular section of it, but wow I laughed so hard thinking about how a client had just heard that in the background. They probably think we're all absolutely insane.
4) Alarm clock
I don't know how Joe and I got on the topic of alarm clocks, but we did. He was standing at my desk telling me that his wife needs a new alarm clock but he has had the same one for 18 years, and it still works perfectly. As he was trying to describe how perfect his clock is to me, he struggled to find the most suitable words:
"It's not quite the Jesus of alarm clocks, so I'll say it's the Methuselah. No wait, what's something that's really hardworking? Who was that guy that raced the train? It's like him. Although, at the end of that story, he died, so maybe that's not the best analogy. I'll just stick with Methuselah for now."
Guy that raced a train? What???
Ok, there are your Joe updates for today! Oh wait, one more - he just sang/shouted "SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME" Destiny's Child style. Oh lord.
1) Halloween
Joe informed me that last year for Halloween, he dressed up as Jesus (big surprise) and got super wasted and ended up passing out by 11pm. He also apparently fell off the bed at some point during the night, but he doesn't remember doing that. Instead of taking full responsibility for his actions, Joe chose to blame the costume. He says that since he was dressed as Jesus, people expected him to be able to drink huge quantities of alcohol with no problem. When I asked why they would expect that, he simply said,
"You know, 'cause of that whole water into wine thing. I mean, Jesus is supposed to be able to drink like a motherfucker!"
This year for Halloween, Joe is either dressing up as a chicken or a penguin. My vote is for penguin.
2) Easter
Joe told me yesterday, while we were on the subject of Halloween costume options, that he wants to get a giant bunny outfit in honor of the upcoming Easter holiday. He plans to wear this into work so that his co-workers can take pictures with him. He also generously stated that they could even bring their kids in for photos. I gotta say, even though this idea is ridiculous, I would totally take a pic with Bunny Joe.
Joe is also highly concerned about what his wife is making for Easter dinner:
"I wanna have a say in the menu 'cause if I leave it all up to my wife, I'll end up eating asparagus casserole and asparagus ham and asparagus ... on the cob."
Yeah, God knows I hate that asparagus stuff, especially when it comes on the cob.
3) Joe likes to sing, remember?
Seriously, he sings constantly, always in the high-pitched voice for whatever reason. As I'm writing this, "What a Feeling" from Flashdance is blaring from his direction, and of course he's singing along. Anyway, there was an incident earlier this week that had me laughing for a good 20 minutes straight. There's a guy named Rod who sits next to Joe, and Rod makes a lot of calls to clients and trains them on things and does little important seminars. Well, Rod was on one of these client calls, when out of nowhere, Joe busts out (in the high-pitched girly voice) with:
"DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL! FA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA!!!!!"
I mean, honestly, I have no idea how that song popped into his head, or why he felt the need to holler out that particular section of it, but wow I laughed so hard thinking about how a client had just heard that in the background. They probably think we're all absolutely insane.
4) Alarm clock
I don't know how Joe and I got on the topic of alarm clocks, but we did. He was standing at my desk telling me that his wife needs a new alarm clock but he has had the same one for 18 years, and it still works perfectly. As he was trying to describe how perfect his clock is to me, he struggled to find the most suitable words:
"It's not quite the Jesus of alarm clocks, so I'll say it's the Methuselah. No wait, what's something that's really hardworking? Who was that guy that raced the train? It's like him. Although, at the end of that story, he died, so maybe that's not the best analogy. I'll just stick with Methuselah for now."
Guy that raced a train? What???
Ok, there are your Joe updates for today! Oh wait, one more - he just sang/shouted "SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME" Destiny's Child style. Oh lord.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Things That Annoy Me: Bowling Alley Edition
I love going bowling, and lately Rick and I have done it quite a bit. I'm not all that great at it, but it's super fun. HOWEVER, there are many aspects of being at a bowling alley that definitely get on my nerves:
1) Bad Parents
I don't know what it is about these places, but bowling alleys make a lot of parents completely forget that they have kids. The kids run around screaming while the parents continue to bowl and have no idea that their kids are nowhere in sight. To be fair, usually they notice after about 20 minutes or so. I once saw this mom lose her kid about 4 different times, and when she would go looking for him, she wouldn't even take THAT seriously. Her idea of looking around for her son involved her peeking under the benches where her family was sitting and then giving up completely.
These parents also don't try to keep their kids from ruining other people's games. I've had kids crash into me while doing victory dances after they managed to knock 1 pin down, and the parents don't even call them back to their side of the lane. I've also had a kid hurl his ball towards me, and again, the parents think that's totally acceptable. I bet I could make a killing if I promoted an idea like In-Alley Babysitting.
2) Overexcited Underachievers
Usually female. These chicks will squeal at the top of their lungs for any result other than a gutter ball. I don't know what would happen if one of them ever managed to actually get a strike - they'd probably die right there. If they happen to be with a boyfriend, the most annoying thing is when they knock down about 2 pins and even the boyfriend joins in cheering for them. It makes me wonder if these people behave like this in other aspects of life. I mean, let's say they manage to cook something without burning it - do they then call everyone they know and squeal on the phone like OHMYGOD GUESS WHAT I JUST DID; YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!! I don't know, perhaps I should take a lesson from them and learn to be excited about the (very) little things in life ... but I feel like I'm too much of a pessimistic bitch to care about stupid shit like that.
3) Guys Who Think They're Amazing
This pretty much applies to any guy who has ever stepped inside a bowling alley. I don't know why, but they all feel like they have to look cool while hurling a ball at some pins. This inevitably results in them looking ridiculous and retarded. I've seen it all, trust me. A couple weeks ago, Rick and I were next to a bunch of frat-looking guys (barf), and one of them kept running up with the ball, slamming it down in what he imagined was a manly style ... then, once the ball was rolling, he would finish by going up on his tiptoes while balancing on one leg ... like an arabesque. Seriously, what the fuck? It was like: MANLYMANLYMANLYOHIMALITTLEGIRLNOWLOOKHOWPRETTYIAM.
Most of the other guys I see just try to roll/throw the ball as hard as humanely possible, which more often than not causes it to go straight into the gutter. Then they stomp off cussing because everyone knows cussing and looking pissed off is also a sign of manliness. Morons.
4) People Who Steal My Damn Ball
I don't particularly like the fact that I'm forced to share the ball holder thing (and the computer) with another group of people, but I deal with it. Well, I deal with it until one of them uses my ball. I HATE THAT. I know they have their own f-ing ball to use, but no, because theirs didn't come out of the dispenser fast enough from their last roll, they just grab mine. Last weekend, this chick kept doing that, and I finally had to let her know who was boss. When she and I both happened to be up at the same time, I glared at her meaningfully then violently grabbed my ball in a clear display of, "This is mine, biatch!" Luckily, she got the message and didn't touch my ball for the rest of the evening.
Rick hates this too. A little kid kept stealing his, and I mean, if it's a kid I would normally be more forgiving, but this goes back to the whole thing about how parents let their kids do anything they want while bowling, so it pisses me off no matter the age of the criminal.
5) The Ancient Technology
Ok, I'm sorry, but how long have bowling alleys been around??? You'd think that by now, I could get through a game without the damn pin resetter malfunctioning. At least once during a bowling session, all of these things will happen to me:
- The pins will just lie there after I knock them down and not get cleared
- The pins will get cleared but not reset
- Everything will get cleared and reset but the score won't change
- Everything will get cleared and reset and the score will change to an incorrect number
What makes it worse is when everyone's lanes are screwing up at the same time, so you can't even flag down a staff member to correct it. So basically, in an era where we can have things like smartphones and 3d television, why the hell can't bowling work properly? Argh.
Even with all of these annoyances, I keep going back. The only decent-sounding reason for this that I can come up with is just that bowling kicks ass. Next time I'm gonna go for a personal best and try to hit 120! Woo!
1) Bad Parents
I don't know what it is about these places, but bowling alleys make a lot of parents completely forget that they have kids. The kids run around screaming while the parents continue to bowl and have no idea that their kids are nowhere in sight. To be fair, usually they notice after about 20 minutes or so. I once saw this mom lose her kid about 4 different times, and when she would go looking for him, she wouldn't even take THAT seriously. Her idea of looking around for her son involved her peeking under the benches where her family was sitting and then giving up completely.
These parents also don't try to keep their kids from ruining other people's games. I've had kids crash into me while doing victory dances after they managed to knock 1 pin down, and the parents don't even call them back to their side of the lane. I've also had a kid hurl his ball towards me, and again, the parents think that's totally acceptable. I bet I could make a killing if I promoted an idea like In-Alley Babysitting.
2) Overexcited Underachievers
Usually female. These chicks will squeal at the top of their lungs for any result other than a gutter ball. I don't know what would happen if one of them ever managed to actually get a strike - they'd probably die right there. If they happen to be with a boyfriend, the most annoying thing is when they knock down about 2 pins and even the boyfriend joins in cheering for them. It makes me wonder if these people behave like this in other aspects of life. I mean, let's say they manage to cook something without burning it - do they then call everyone they know and squeal on the phone like OHMYGOD GUESS WHAT I JUST DID; YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!! I don't know, perhaps I should take a lesson from them and learn to be excited about the (very) little things in life ... but I feel like I'm too much of a pessimistic bitch to care about stupid shit like that.
3) Guys Who Think They're Amazing
This pretty much applies to any guy who has ever stepped inside a bowling alley. I don't know why, but they all feel like they have to look cool while hurling a ball at some pins. This inevitably results in them looking ridiculous and retarded. I've seen it all, trust me. A couple weeks ago, Rick and I were next to a bunch of frat-looking guys (barf), and one of them kept running up with the ball, slamming it down in what he imagined was a manly style ... then, once the ball was rolling, he would finish by going up on his tiptoes while balancing on one leg ... like an arabesque. Seriously, what the fuck? It was like: MANLYMANLYMANLYOHIMALITTLEGIRLNOWLOOKHOWPRETTYIAM.
Most of the other guys I see just try to roll/throw the ball as hard as humanely possible, which more often than not causes it to go straight into the gutter. Then they stomp off cussing because everyone knows cussing and looking pissed off is also a sign of manliness. Morons.
4) People Who Steal My Damn Ball
I don't particularly like the fact that I'm forced to share the ball holder thing (and the computer) with another group of people, but I deal with it. Well, I deal with it until one of them uses my ball. I HATE THAT. I know they have their own f-ing ball to use, but no, because theirs didn't come out of the dispenser fast enough from their last roll, they just grab mine. Last weekend, this chick kept doing that, and I finally had to let her know who was boss. When she and I both happened to be up at the same time, I glared at her meaningfully then violently grabbed my ball in a clear display of, "This is mine, biatch!" Luckily, she got the message and didn't touch my ball for the rest of the evening.
Rick hates this too. A little kid kept stealing his, and I mean, if it's a kid I would normally be more forgiving, but this goes back to the whole thing about how parents let their kids do anything they want while bowling, so it pisses me off no matter the age of the criminal.
5) The Ancient Technology
Ok, I'm sorry, but how long have bowling alleys been around??? You'd think that by now, I could get through a game without the damn pin resetter malfunctioning. At least once during a bowling session, all of these things will happen to me:
- The pins will just lie there after I knock them down and not get cleared
- The pins will get cleared but not reset
- Everything will get cleared and reset but the score won't change
- Everything will get cleared and reset and the score will change to an incorrect number
What makes it worse is when everyone's lanes are screwing up at the same time, so you can't even flag down a staff member to correct it. So basically, in an era where we can have things like smartphones and 3d television, why the hell can't bowling work properly? Argh.
Even with all of these annoyances, I keep going back. The only decent-sounding reason for this that I can come up with is just that bowling kicks ass. Next time I'm gonna go for a personal best and try to hit 120! Woo!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Joe
Joe is pretty much the most entertaining guy at my office. He loves to talk/debate with people, and he's fairly loud, so I can listen in on almost all of his conversations. His views on certain things are at times ridiculous, but he will defend them to the end. I think the best way to go about explaining Joe to you guys is just to provide a list of random facts. Here we go, and no, I'm not making ANY of this up.
1) Joe has a Jesus obsession.
Last year, his focus was on "Baby Jesus" and he would talk about him constantly. I think he even had a picture of an infant Jesus somewhere on his cubicle. In all conversations, he would talk about how Baby Jesus played a part in all his decisions. This year, it's just Jesus in general, so I guess Jesus has grown up. Joe says he's "really tight" with Jesus, so we should all listen to him when he talks about how we'll be judged and what Jesus will or will not like. I don't consider Joe to be a religious person, so that just makes it even weirder. I think he thinks of Jesus the same way kids think of imaginary friends.
2) Joe loves to sing.
He will sing 80's songs at least twice a day, and it's always in a high-pitched falsetto. His favorite Christmas song is "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. He usually changes the lyrics to "All I want for Christmas is Joe" when he sings that one. I once got into a debate with him about the lyrics to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." Now, I'm sure you all know I am basically the MJ expert, but Joe tried for about half an hour to convince me that the song said "Eddie, are you ok?" instead of "Annie."
3) Joe has a fear of odd numbers.
Seriously. For example, if you were to give him some candy, and you gave him 3 pieces, he would give one of them back to you. He just can't handle it. Although, trying to give him candy would probably never work because of the next fact:
4) Joe also has a fear of germs.
Now, this one is extreme. He will not touch anything that someone else has touched without first sanitizing it. He will not shake your hand, and if he has to, he will race back to his desk to use hand sanitizer immediately afterwards. He will not use anything in the office kitchen for fear that someone else's dirty hands have touched it. He will not share food or drinks with his wife. Even if something is individually wrapped in protective plastic, he most likely still won't use it because people have touched the protective plastic wrapper.
5) Joe doesn't know how a lot of things in the real world work, and he is just generally odd.
We are currently doing a wellness program at work, in which, if you want, you can track how many cups of fruits and vegetables you eat each day. Well, when Joe saw that email, he rushed over to my desk to ask me how big a cup was and how many did I think he could eat in one day. He, having no concept of a cup, estimated that he could easily consume 24 cups of fruit a day, and I could not convince him otherwise for quite some time. The wellness thing also includes wearing a pedometer to track your steps each day. Joe informed me that his plan for this was to strap his pedometer to his cat and make the cat run around the house.
He also recently asked me the best way to go about begging people for money. See, Joe is on this kick about asking strangers for "a dollar" until he has enough dollars to pay off his house. He told me that he was just planning on going up to people and saying "Give me a dollar!" I told him he should ask more nicely, and he said "Oh ok, so something like ... 'Give me a dollar?'?" I told him to maybe use the word "please" or to at least invent some fake charity that he was collecting money for, but the most polite thing I could get him to agree to was phrasing "Give me a dollar" with a question mark on the end.
While we're on the subject of money, when Joe gave me permission to write this blog entry, he said that if this post sparked a book deal, he wanted 50% of all the money I got for it. I told him my people would talk to his people.
Yesterday Joe stopped by my desk to say goodbye as he was leaving, and he chose that moment to impart some wisdom:
"Ashley, you should know this: You can never trust a man who makes an appointment to get his hair cut. You can also never trust a man who wears a bracelet. Those are two hard and fast rules. And I know the bracelet one to be true because I once got laid off by a bracelet-wearing man. I thought for a year about blowing up his car ... but I don't know how to make bombs."
Believe me, that's not even one of the weirder Joe quotes. In fact, I might start keeping a list of Joe quotes and posting entries on here that solely consist of all the weird things he said that week.
I love Joe a lot, and he's usually very nice to me ... but yeah, damn, he can get really weird.
1) Joe has a Jesus obsession.
Last year, his focus was on "Baby Jesus" and he would talk about him constantly. I think he even had a picture of an infant Jesus somewhere on his cubicle. In all conversations, he would talk about how Baby Jesus played a part in all his decisions. This year, it's just Jesus in general, so I guess Jesus has grown up. Joe says he's "really tight" with Jesus, so we should all listen to him when he talks about how we'll be judged and what Jesus will or will not like. I don't consider Joe to be a religious person, so that just makes it even weirder. I think he thinks of Jesus the same way kids think of imaginary friends.
2) Joe loves to sing.
He will sing 80's songs at least twice a day, and it's always in a high-pitched falsetto. His favorite Christmas song is "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. He usually changes the lyrics to "All I want for Christmas is Joe" when he sings that one. I once got into a debate with him about the lyrics to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." Now, I'm sure you all know I am basically the MJ expert, but Joe tried for about half an hour to convince me that the song said "Eddie, are you ok?" instead of "Annie."
3) Joe has a fear of odd numbers.
Seriously. For example, if you were to give him some candy, and you gave him 3 pieces, he would give one of them back to you. He just can't handle it. Although, trying to give him candy would probably never work because of the next fact:
4) Joe also has a fear of germs.
Now, this one is extreme. He will not touch anything that someone else has touched without first sanitizing it. He will not shake your hand, and if he has to, he will race back to his desk to use hand sanitizer immediately afterwards. He will not use anything in the office kitchen for fear that someone else's dirty hands have touched it. He will not share food or drinks with his wife. Even if something is individually wrapped in protective plastic, he most likely still won't use it because people have touched the protective plastic wrapper.
5) Joe doesn't know how a lot of things in the real world work, and he is just generally odd.
We are currently doing a wellness program at work, in which, if you want, you can track how many cups of fruits and vegetables you eat each day. Well, when Joe saw that email, he rushed over to my desk to ask me how big a cup was and how many did I think he could eat in one day. He, having no concept of a cup, estimated that he could easily consume 24 cups of fruit a day, and I could not convince him otherwise for quite some time. The wellness thing also includes wearing a pedometer to track your steps each day. Joe informed me that his plan for this was to strap his pedometer to his cat and make the cat run around the house.
He also recently asked me the best way to go about begging people for money. See, Joe is on this kick about asking strangers for "a dollar" until he has enough dollars to pay off his house. He told me that he was just planning on going up to people and saying "Give me a dollar!" I told him he should ask more nicely, and he said "Oh ok, so something like ... 'Give me a dollar?'?" I told him to maybe use the word "please" or to at least invent some fake charity that he was collecting money for, but the most polite thing I could get him to agree to was phrasing "Give me a dollar" with a question mark on the end.
While we're on the subject of money, when Joe gave me permission to write this blog entry, he said that if this post sparked a book deal, he wanted 50% of all the money I got for it. I told him my people would talk to his people.
Yesterday Joe stopped by my desk to say goodbye as he was leaving, and he chose that moment to impart some wisdom:
"Ashley, you should know this: You can never trust a man who makes an appointment to get his hair cut. You can also never trust a man who wears a bracelet. Those are two hard and fast rules. And I know the bracelet one to be true because I once got laid off by a bracelet-wearing man. I thought for a year about blowing up his car ... but I don't know how to make bombs."
Believe me, that's not even one of the weirder Joe quotes. In fact, I might start keeping a list of Joe quotes and posting entries on here that solely consist of all the weird things he said that week.
I love Joe a lot, and he's usually very nice to me ... but yeah, damn, he can get really weird.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Stream of Consciousness Post
Well, this is my first stream of consciousness entry, meaning I'm not writing on a particular topic. I'm just kind of thinking and typing as things enter my massive genius brain. Scared?
So I'm listening to the college basketball game that's currently on tv, but I have no idea who is winning. Rick is "watching" it while doing something on his laptop. Oh, now he's talking to me about some "upset" in some game. I'm not really paying attention to him. In other news, there is no real comfortable position to be in on this bed while I'm trying to type, and that's super annoying. Also my nose itches - what does that mean? According to my mom, if your palms itch it means you're about to get money. Maybe I'll get lucky and my nose itching will mean I'm about to get something even more amazing. But, who am I kidding? I'm American. Nothing is more amazing than money. Duh.
Why doesn't popcorn fill me up at all? I just went to see a movie, and I had popcorn, but now I'm still hungry. Also, I feel like movie theater popcorn bags are neverending. I swear I ate throughout the entire 2 hour movie and didn't even come close to reaching the bottom of the bag, and it was only medium sized! That's the magic of the cinema for you. Or ... something.
The guy on tv said something about being naked. What the fuck? Are they gonna have a naked playoff game at some point in this tournament? Because that might hurt. I mean, I don't have a penis, but I'd imagine running around dribbling a ball and slamming into people might not be good for that part of the body when not at least protected by shorts. Ok, now I'm just picturing a naked basketball game. Ew. So much sweat.
Ok I need to move on from that pleasant thought. I want food! Tonight Rick is cooking us jambalaya with scallops in it - sooooooooooo good ohmygod. I am so glad I found someone who loves to eat almost as much as I do. I bet the people who read this blog who haven't seen me in a while assume I'm now super obese because of how much I talk about food. Actually, lately I've been really stepping up my game as far as trying to prevent that by going to the gym 3 times a week. Nevermind the fact that I'm so out of shape that I feel like I'm about to die after 20 minutes of cardio.
Hmmmmmm so ok sometimes this is what I think about:
The first person to ever have the hiccups must have been totally freaked out.
Imagine being the first human ever to have that experience. Like, all the other cavemen and women are staring at you and you're just making stupid noises uncontrollably while your stomach jumps around. Weird. Also, speaking of cavemen - what's up with the Flintstones? They had a dinosaur. How? Weren't they all dead? Wait, didn't they have a mammoth on that show too? Who wrote that shit?
My mom often tells me I try way too hard to make tv shows make sense logically. This is true. For example, it really pisses me off that there's a beach on the show Spongebob Squarepants. A beach ... in the fucking ocean. Like, hello! You're already deep underwater! Also, I just realized all the characters take showers ... like, they have a shower and tub and water comes out of the showerhead and everything. IN THE OCEAN. My mom's response would be something like, "Yeah Ashley, well why don't we start with the fact that the sea creatures can all talk?" But my logic stuff is specific. I'm willing to overlook things like animals talking. Patrick makes me laugh, though, so I'll forgive that show for now.
Oh speaking of cartoon stuff, I scored the deal of the century today. I found Fern Gully on dvd for 5 dollars! So, naturally, I snatched that shit up. Fern Gully is legit such a good movie. I mean, now that I'm no longer a little kid watching it, all the tree-hugger, let's-all-save-the-rainforest stuff is kind of annoying, but Robin Williams does a voice in it! Awesome. Oh, and just so you know, I love the rainforest a lot ... I just don't want that kind of message shoved down my throat for an hour and a half.
Ok I really am starving now. Would Rick think it's too early to start cooking? What if he isn't at all hungry yet and I end up having to sit here in agony for like 2 more hours? I think I'm gonna ask ...
Ok thank god, he stopped what he was doing and is now in the kitchen cooking for me. This is love, people. He's not starving, but he "could eat," so it'll be FOOD TIME SOON YAAAAAAAAAAAY. Ok, I'm done with this now.
Booya.
So I'm listening to the college basketball game that's currently on tv, but I have no idea who is winning. Rick is "watching" it while doing something on his laptop. Oh, now he's talking to me about some "upset" in some game. I'm not really paying attention to him. In other news, there is no real comfortable position to be in on this bed while I'm trying to type, and that's super annoying. Also my nose itches - what does that mean? According to my mom, if your palms itch it means you're about to get money. Maybe I'll get lucky and my nose itching will mean I'm about to get something even more amazing. But, who am I kidding? I'm American. Nothing is more amazing than money. Duh.
Why doesn't popcorn fill me up at all? I just went to see a movie, and I had popcorn, but now I'm still hungry. Also, I feel like movie theater popcorn bags are neverending. I swear I ate throughout the entire 2 hour movie and didn't even come close to reaching the bottom of the bag, and it was only medium sized! That's the magic of the cinema for you. Or ... something.
The guy on tv said something about being naked. What the fuck? Are they gonna have a naked playoff game at some point in this tournament? Because that might hurt. I mean, I don't have a penis, but I'd imagine running around dribbling a ball and slamming into people might not be good for that part of the body when not at least protected by shorts. Ok, now I'm just picturing a naked basketball game. Ew. So much sweat.
Ok I need to move on from that pleasant thought. I want food! Tonight Rick is cooking us jambalaya with scallops in it - sooooooooooo good ohmygod. I am so glad I found someone who loves to eat almost as much as I do. I bet the people who read this blog who haven't seen me in a while assume I'm now super obese because of how much I talk about food. Actually, lately I've been really stepping up my game as far as trying to prevent that by going to the gym 3 times a week. Nevermind the fact that I'm so out of shape that I feel like I'm about to die after 20 minutes of cardio.
Hmmmmmm so ok sometimes this is what I think about:
The first person to ever have the hiccups must have been totally freaked out.
Imagine being the first human ever to have that experience. Like, all the other cavemen and women are staring at you and you're just making stupid noises uncontrollably while your stomach jumps around. Weird. Also, speaking of cavemen - what's up with the Flintstones? They had a dinosaur. How? Weren't they all dead? Wait, didn't they have a mammoth on that show too? Who wrote that shit?
My mom often tells me I try way too hard to make tv shows make sense logically. This is true. For example, it really pisses me off that there's a beach on the show Spongebob Squarepants. A beach ... in the fucking ocean. Like, hello! You're already deep underwater! Also, I just realized all the characters take showers ... like, they have a shower and tub and water comes out of the showerhead and everything. IN THE OCEAN. My mom's response would be something like, "Yeah Ashley, well why don't we start with the fact that the sea creatures can all talk?" But my logic stuff is specific. I'm willing to overlook things like animals talking. Patrick makes me laugh, though, so I'll forgive that show for now.
Oh speaking of cartoon stuff, I scored the deal of the century today. I found Fern Gully on dvd for 5 dollars! So, naturally, I snatched that shit up. Fern Gully is legit such a good movie. I mean, now that I'm no longer a little kid watching it, all the tree-hugger, let's-all-save-the-rainforest stuff is kind of annoying, but Robin Williams does a voice in it! Awesome. Oh, and just so you know, I love the rainforest a lot ... I just don't want that kind of message shoved down my throat for an hour and a half.
Ok I really am starving now. Would Rick think it's too early to start cooking? What if he isn't at all hungry yet and I end up having to sit here in agony for like 2 more hours? I think I'm gonna ask ...
Ok thank god, he stopped what he was doing and is now in the kitchen cooking for me. This is love, people. He's not starving, but he "could eat," so it'll be FOOD TIME SOON YAAAAAAAAAAAY. Ok, I'm done with this now.
Booya.
Monday, March 14, 2011
TV Show Ideas
I kind of want my own show, or else a show starring me AND Rick. I mean, I could make tons of money, and everyone would admire me and want to know me and send me fan mail. So anyway, these are the ideas I have come up with. If anyone knows a tv producer, feel free to direct him/her to this blog post.
1) Eating Adventures
At first, I thought this would be a show where Rick and I could travel the world, just eating everything in sight. But then I was like ... traveling is an expensive way to start out the show. So, until the show becomes a hit, Rick and I can just chill out at his apartment and set up a camera in the corner to record our food habits. We can also have eating contests on-camera, since we do that anyway in our spare time. I'd have to probably hire professional hair and makeup people, though, because once I start chowing down, unless I look super pretty, the viewers are gonna be too grossed out to continue to watch the show. Actually, I would probably get a lot of letters from health people telling me I'm going to have a million heart attacks if I keep up this diet. So maybe this wouldn't work with my whole getting-fan-mail fantasy.
2) Who Snored the Loudest Last Night?
Rick and I both snore ... loudly. But this would give the viewers (and us) a chance to see who will take home the Loud Snoring trophy (which I would have built, in the shape of a giant nose) after maybe a month of observation. I guess just watching 2 people sleep would get a little boring, so we can have bonus challenges to liven things up. Like, one night, one of the crew members can randomly start a small fire at the edge of our bed, and whoever doesn't get burned is the winner. We could also get bonus points for any intervals of really gross-sounding snoring. Oh, and if, for example, Rick is snoring directly into my ear (which happens fairly often), if I don't punch him in the face, I automatically win all the points for that night.
3) Choosing An Outfit: The Race Against Time!
This will be timed, obviously. Rick and I would have a deadline as to when we had to leave the apartment to go out somewhere. Whoever gets dressed and ready first is the winner. Now, I know what you're thinking: Rick will always win. Not necessarily! For one thing, I don't wear makeup, so that means all I have to do is pick out clothes. Granted, sometimes I fall into the everything-makes-me-look-like-a-whale syndrome, so he might have the advantge on those nights. HOWEVER, there are some nights where Rick walks out in an outfit and I give him a look that says, "If you wear that, people will see us and think, 'Isn't it sweet of that girl to take her mentally handicapped friend out in public?'" So then he has to go change, which would buy me extra time and a chance at total victory!!!
4) Movie Tolerance Challenge
I believe this would be the most stressful show for both of us, but I would struggle through it for the fans! We would take turns picking out movies for both of us to watch, and the challenge would be that the non-picker would not be allowed to make any negative comments about the movie the entire time. Things like eye rolls or angry sighs would deduct points. So, for example, if Rick chose something like Cool Hand Luke, I would have to resist the urge to blurt out "This movie is bullshit, and I don't give a fuck about Luke or the current temperature of his hand." That would probably cost me the round. Along that same line, if I chose The Bridges of Madison County, he would have to resist the urge to roll his eyes and say "Oh God" every 5 seconds.
5) Who's a Better Side-Seat Driver?
We do this all the time, so we might as well get paid for it. A panel of judges would decide whose comments were most helpful to whichever one of us was currently driving. Any backtalk from the driver would result in an automatic 5 point deduction. The driver would get an opportunity to defend his or her driving at the end of the trip, right before the judges start scoring. For instance, if I pointed out that Rick kept going up on curbs, his excuse of "They were just bumps on the road!" would probably not sway the judges very much. Also, if he pointed out my constant need to yell and cuss at idiotic drivers, I could argue that they very much deserved it. WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO! Though, again, the judges probably wouldn't tolerate my road rage.
So yes, I think we are destined for stardom. Please comment below with what show you'd most like to see, and that way I'll know where to start. If you have any other suggestions, you can also pass those along.
1) Eating Adventures
At first, I thought this would be a show where Rick and I could travel the world, just eating everything in sight. But then I was like ... traveling is an expensive way to start out the show. So, until the show becomes a hit, Rick and I can just chill out at his apartment and set up a camera in the corner to record our food habits. We can also have eating contests on-camera, since we do that anyway in our spare time. I'd have to probably hire professional hair and makeup people, though, because once I start chowing down, unless I look super pretty, the viewers are gonna be too grossed out to continue to watch the show. Actually, I would probably get a lot of letters from health people telling me I'm going to have a million heart attacks if I keep up this diet. So maybe this wouldn't work with my whole getting-fan-mail fantasy.
2) Who Snored the Loudest Last Night?
Rick and I both snore ... loudly. But this would give the viewers (and us) a chance to see who will take home the Loud Snoring trophy (which I would have built, in the shape of a giant nose) after maybe a month of observation. I guess just watching 2 people sleep would get a little boring, so we can have bonus challenges to liven things up. Like, one night, one of the crew members can randomly start a small fire at the edge of our bed, and whoever doesn't get burned is the winner. We could also get bonus points for any intervals of really gross-sounding snoring. Oh, and if, for example, Rick is snoring directly into my ear (which happens fairly often), if I don't punch him in the face, I automatically win all the points for that night.
3) Choosing An Outfit: The Race Against Time!
This will be timed, obviously. Rick and I would have a deadline as to when we had to leave the apartment to go out somewhere. Whoever gets dressed and ready first is the winner. Now, I know what you're thinking: Rick will always win. Not necessarily! For one thing, I don't wear makeup, so that means all I have to do is pick out clothes. Granted, sometimes I fall into the everything-makes-me-look-like-a-whale syndrome, so he might have the advantge on those nights. HOWEVER, there are some nights where Rick walks out in an outfit and I give him a look that says, "If you wear that, people will see us and think, 'Isn't it sweet of that girl to take her mentally handicapped friend out in public?'" So then he has to go change, which would buy me extra time and a chance at total victory!!!
4) Movie Tolerance Challenge
I believe this would be the most stressful show for both of us, but I would struggle through it for the fans! We would take turns picking out movies for both of us to watch, and the challenge would be that the non-picker would not be allowed to make any negative comments about the movie the entire time. Things like eye rolls or angry sighs would deduct points. So, for example, if Rick chose something like Cool Hand Luke, I would have to resist the urge to blurt out "This movie is bullshit, and I don't give a fuck about Luke or the current temperature of his hand." That would probably cost me the round. Along that same line, if I chose The Bridges of Madison County, he would have to resist the urge to roll his eyes and say "Oh God" every 5 seconds.
5) Who's a Better Side-Seat Driver?
We do this all the time, so we might as well get paid for it. A panel of judges would decide whose comments were most helpful to whichever one of us was currently driving. Any backtalk from the driver would result in an automatic 5 point deduction. The driver would get an opportunity to defend his or her driving at the end of the trip, right before the judges start scoring. For instance, if I pointed out that Rick kept going up on curbs, his excuse of "They were just bumps on the road!" would probably not sway the judges very much. Also, if he pointed out my constant need to yell and cuss at idiotic drivers, I could argue that they very much deserved it. WHICH THEY ALWAYS DO! Though, again, the judges probably wouldn't tolerate my road rage.
So yes, I think we are destined for stardom. Please comment below with what show you'd most like to see, and that way I'll know where to start. If you have any other suggestions, you can also pass those along.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Cadbury Eggs: They Make Life Worth Living
I love the first few months of the year. This is not because of New Year's or my birthday or Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day or any of that. It is because that's when the magical, wonderful people at Cadbury release the Cadbury Eggs into the stores for Easter.
Do I give a shit about Easter? No, not really. I actually don't even know much about why it's a holiday ... something about Jesus? I guess? I think they should totally hand out Cadbury Eggs during Easter church services, just as a thank you for attending. Maybe then I would bother learning about how Jesus turned water into the Easter Bunny or whatever it is they talk about during Easter church.
Anyway, I am 100% addicted to these eggs. I am a fan of Cadbury chocolate in general as it is, and I can eat it plain, but when combined with the cream filling ... it's a religious experience. Hey, wait, maybe THAT'S why people go to church on Easter!
I am capable of eating probably 20 Cadbury Eggs a day. I haven't actually tried this, but I don't think it would be difficult at all. I wish they could make them so that they contained lots of vitamins and shit, and then I could just eat them for every meal. Sure, I would be mordbidly obese, but would it be worth it? I wanna say yes.
So yeah, I'm dreading Easter actually getting here, and the eggs disappearing from grocery store shelves. I'm going to have to stock up before that day. Maybe I could convince Rick to clear out his entire pantry area, and I could use all those shelves for my egg supply. Or wait, would I need to freeze them? Do they go bad? How can I not know this? Ok, well if I need the freezer, Rick will just have to deal with not having any frozen stuff for ... a long time. Because I plan on hoarding at least 500 of these things. I figure that'll be enough to last me an extra month or so. Maybe.
Speaking of Rick, he hates Cadbury Eggs. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still dating a person with that much evil in them. And, honestly, sometimes when I'm in the middle of a Cadbury Egg frenzy and there's chocolate all over my face and I think I might choke and die, I wonder the same thing. I mean, significant others are supposed to support each other's passions in life, right? I fully support his love for carrot cake (barf!!!), but when he asks how my day was, and I tell him it was great because I ate 10 Cadbury Eggs, he looks at me like there's something wrong with me! Not supportive.
This has now got me thinking. I mean, let's say Rick was being held hostage, and the only way I could free him was to sign a contract saying I would never again consume another Cadbury Egg. Could I do that? Oh god, this is making me question all my priorities! On the one hand, I love Rick. But, let's face it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. There is only one thing that tastes as good as a Cadbury Egg. So, this is really a no-brainer.
I am now realizing he's going to read this blog post.
Hi honey! I love you! You can't be mad because my relationship with Cadbury Eggs has been around a lot longer than my relationship with you. I believe in loyalty, so I'm sorry to inform you, you'll always be 2nd place. But that's still good - that's like winning a silver medal at the Olympics! How many people can say they've done that?! ... Please don't break up with me.
Let me now explain all the good that could come out of more people being as obsessed with this candy as I am:
1) Work Productivity
Instead of coffee, employees should have Cadbury Egg dispensers in their offices. The sugar rush would make them much more energetic and productive. Granted, the employers would probably have to invest in a much more expensive dental plan once all the cavities start showing up ... but whatever.
2) Student Motivation
Instead of some bullshit like getting an A+ on a test, students should be rewarded with Cadbury Eggs. College admissions people wouldn't have to worry about SAT scores or essays or activities or any of that nonsense. They would simply have to pull the students' files and check out their egg grand totals and then decide if they'd eaten enough to get into the college. I can say this much - if I'd had the option of getting Cadbury Eggs for excellent schoolwork, I would have gotten into Harvard.
3) Crime Reduction
Clearly, I've proven it's possible to get addicted to Cadbury Eggs. And, trust me, once you've eaten 5 or more, you definitely get a serious rush. Therefore, why are drug addicts wasting their time with crack and weed and everything else? If they just got high off these eggs, there go all the drug problems! Yes, the obese population would go WAY up, but think about it: If people are so fat that they can barely lift the eggs to their mouths, they can't exactly go around robbing or shooting people now can they?
I think maybe I should run for President.
Feel free to comment on this post with what candy you're addicted to. I can't be the only one, right?
... Right?!
Do I give a shit about Easter? No, not really. I actually don't even know much about why it's a holiday ... something about Jesus? I guess? I think they should totally hand out Cadbury Eggs during Easter church services, just as a thank you for attending. Maybe then I would bother learning about how Jesus turned water into the Easter Bunny or whatever it is they talk about during Easter church.
Anyway, I am 100% addicted to these eggs. I am a fan of Cadbury chocolate in general as it is, and I can eat it plain, but when combined with the cream filling ... it's a religious experience. Hey, wait, maybe THAT'S why people go to church on Easter!
I am capable of eating probably 20 Cadbury Eggs a day. I haven't actually tried this, but I don't think it would be difficult at all. I wish they could make them so that they contained lots of vitamins and shit, and then I could just eat them for every meal. Sure, I would be mordbidly obese, but would it be worth it? I wanna say yes.
So yeah, I'm dreading Easter actually getting here, and the eggs disappearing from grocery store shelves. I'm going to have to stock up before that day. Maybe I could convince Rick to clear out his entire pantry area, and I could use all those shelves for my egg supply. Or wait, would I need to freeze them? Do they go bad? How can I not know this? Ok, well if I need the freezer, Rick will just have to deal with not having any frozen stuff for ... a long time. Because I plan on hoarding at least 500 of these things. I figure that'll be enough to last me an extra month or so. Maybe.
Speaking of Rick, he hates Cadbury Eggs. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still dating a person with that much evil in them. And, honestly, sometimes when I'm in the middle of a Cadbury Egg frenzy and there's chocolate all over my face and I think I might choke and die, I wonder the same thing. I mean, significant others are supposed to support each other's passions in life, right? I fully support his love for carrot cake (barf!!!), but when he asks how my day was, and I tell him it was great because I ate 10 Cadbury Eggs, he looks at me like there's something wrong with me! Not supportive.
This has now got me thinking. I mean, let's say Rick was being held hostage, and the only way I could free him was to sign a contract saying I would never again consume another Cadbury Egg. Could I do that? Oh god, this is making me question all my priorities! On the one hand, I love Rick. But, let's face it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. There is only one thing that tastes as good as a Cadbury Egg. So, this is really a no-brainer.
I am now realizing he's going to read this blog post.
Hi honey! I love you! You can't be mad because my relationship with Cadbury Eggs has been around a lot longer than my relationship with you. I believe in loyalty, so I'm sorry to inform you, you'll always be 2nd place. But that's still good - that's like winning a silver medal at the Olympics! How many people can say they've done that?! ... Please don't break up with me.
Let me now explain all the good that could come out of more people being as obsessed with this candy as I am:
1) Work Productivity
Instead of coffee, employees should have Cadbury Egg dispensers in their offices. The sugar rush would make them much more energetic and productive. Granted, the employers would probably have to invest in a much more expensive dental plan once all the cavities start showing up ... but whatever.
2) Student Motivation
Instead of some bullshit like getting an A+ on a test, students should be rewarded with Cadbury Eggs. College admissions people wouldn't have to worry about SAT scores or essays or activities or any of that nonsense. They would simply have to pull the students' files and check out their egg grand totals and then decide if they'd eaten enough to get into the college. I can say this much - if I'd had the option of getting Cadbury Eggs for excellent schoolwork, I would have gotten into Harvard.
3) Crime Reduction
Clearly, I've proven it's possible to get addicted to Cadbury Eggs. And, trust me, once you've eaten 5 or more, you definitely get a serious rush. Therefore, why are drug addicts wasting their time with crack and weed and everything else? If they just got high off these eggs, there go all the drug problems! Yes, the obese population would go WAY up, but think about it: If people are so fat that they can barely lift the eggs to their mouths, they can't exactly go around robbing or shooting people now can they?
I think maybe I should run for President.
Feel free to comment on this post with what candy you're addicted to. I can't be the only one, right?
... Right?!
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