Recently, I decided I needed to start going to the gym again. So, my friend Leann and I have been doing a Zumba class every week in addition to working out in a non-class format.
Let me tell you, one zumba class a week is almost more than I can handle. The following is a play-by-play of my experience in the class from start to finish:
- Crazy hyped-up instructor with a smile as wide as Joker from Batman steps onto the raised platform thing at the front of the room
- She plays some upbeat tune, and we start out marching – this, I can handle. They should really have a class called “March Your Way to a Size 2” cuz I could totally get down with that.
- OUT OF NOWHERE, with no gentle transition whatsoever, we go from basic steps like marching and tapping our feet in front of us to booty-popping and jumping around shimmying anything that wiggles. The instructor does this in a manner that can only be described as “violent.” She is thrusting her hips/chest/ass to such an insane degree that I start to wonder if she’s a Zumba robot (or Zumbot, if you will) programmed to be able to do these moves for hours without fainting.
2) Fast, fast, fast, fast, slow
- Zumbot plays a series of fast songs and then says something like, “I’ll give you guys a break” and plays a slower one.
- During the fast songs, I pretty much want to drop to the floor, crawl out of the room, and go vomit somewhere. Doing the moves accurately is no longer an option for me. For example, if I’m supposed to put my hands above my head, I’m really only managing to flail some limp wrists around near my chest like a retarded T-Rex.
- The slow song “breaks” are deceptive. Yes, the tempo is slower, but the moves are the same as in the fast songs, and I still want to go puke and pass out in a corner. Most of the time, I take it upon myself to take an actual break during these songs and kind of hide behind the other victims, moving a limb every so often so it looks like I’m still trying.
3) That one great song
- Inevitably, in every class, one song comes on that I absolutely love, and I find the strength to get really into it and dance like crazy.
- I am so freaking stupid for doing this.
- About halfway through the awesome song, I can’t breathe. I start thinking things like, “If I die on the spot, will my family receive some sort of award in my honor for bravery on the aerobics floor?” and “Can my face eventually explode if it gets too red?”
4) Getting through
- During the second half of the class, I’m forced to stop and evaluate my survival options:
- Can I get away with a 15 minute water break?
- Would anyone notice next time if I had ice packs taped underneath my clothes?
- Can I pay that woman on the weight machines to point a fan at me during class?
- If I were a Zumbot, where would my power source be, and how the fuck do you turn it off?
- This might be my least favorite part.
- When I’m done being tortured, I would really like to just collapse for a while, but no, we have to f-ing cool down. Well, let me just say this: cool downs do not cool me down at all. It’s basically continuing to dance, slightly slower, with stretching thrown in. My idea of finishing a workout does not involve continuing to move. Ideally, it would involve diving into a freezing pool and having a hot guy feed me ice cream while I float around.
- After the cool down is over, everyone claps for the instructor like “Oh yeah, that was great, thanks so much for ruining my life and also I might never walk again, hooray!” Honestly, I don’t really have the energy to beat my hands together after an hour like that.
So, there you have it. You may be thinking, “Why are you still doing it if you feel this way?” Well … good question. Although, I’m definitely losing weight, so I figure it must be helping. Seriously, though, the only thing that keeps me going is having a friend there to suffer with. I’ve attempted Zumba on my own and usually end up quitting after about 15 minutes.
If you guys also Zumba it up (or participate in any intense workout class), how do YOU make it through?