Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I know you are all eager to get to know me better, so I am giving you this list of some of the special characteristics that make me ... me.

1) Onion Rules

I hate onions a lot.  They are stupid.  If something has even a little bit of onion in it, I automatically consider that dish a D- on the grading scale.  Like, I love spaghetti, but if there are little onion bits in the sauce, I feel like I can taste them more than I should be able to, and they always stick to my tongue like they really want to prove the point that they're in there.

HOWEVER, there is one food in the world that contains onions that I absolutely love, and that food is: the hamburger from a McDonald's Happy Meal.  Now, it's important to note that any other McDonald's product that contains onions is unacceptable to me.  I will only eat them on the Happy Meal burgers.  But yeah seriously, I love those little diced up onions they put on there.  No idea why.  I legit can eat like 4 of those burgers in one sitting.  I wish I could recreate them at home, but I know that if I diced up some onions on my own and put them on a burger, it would suck.

It's a good thing I've been eating those Happy Meal burgers since I was little.  Otherwise, seeing that they had onions on them, I never would have tried them as an adult.

2) Setting My Alarm

Most mornings, Rick just wakes me up once he's done showering.  This is great for me because I get really paranoid that my alarm won't go off.  Here is a glimpse of my paranoia, which kicks in at night when I'm setting my alarm for the morning:

Step 1: Set the alarm on my cell phone
Step 2: Check that it's set to the correct time
Step 3: Check that the alarm is set to "On"
Step 4: Check that it's set for "am"
Step 5: Check that my volume is turned on
Step 6: Get worried that it won't be loud enough and turn the volume all the way up
Step 7: Go back in and make sure it's set to the correct time
Step 8: Forget that I checked to make sure it was set to "On" so do that again
Step 9: Stare at the alarm screen for 5 minutes making sure it has the correct time, is on, and is set for "am", while repeating aloud what it says on the screen several times so I know without a doubt that I'm verifying all this information
Step 10: Get worried that I set it too loud, so turn the volume down a couple notches
Steps 11-50: Keep checking every detail until I'm too tired to see the screen anymore

Yes, it's a problem.

3) Computer Wallpapers

When choosing a new background image for my laptop or work computer, I can get kind of intense.  I know that this is a picture I'll be seeing often, so it of course has to be perfect.  If I decide I'm in a "scenic view of nature" mood, I will scroll through dozens of Google Image Search results, analyzing every nature picture until I find one that's ideal.  The same goes if I'm in a "really hot celeb guy" mood or "scene from Nightmare Before Christmas" mood, etc, etc.  I am definitely not one of those people that can Google "sunset wallpaper" and just use the first pretty picture that pops up.

Usually, once I choose one, I hate myself for giving up so easily and go back and search again, convinced that there's a better one out there. 

4) TV Meals

99% of the time, I cannot watch tv without eating something at the same time.  Also, I hate eating something without watching tv at the same time.  Those 2 activities just really work well together.

I mean, I love going out to restaurants, but I especially love it if a sports game is on while I'm eating.  If I'm at a friend's house and we're watching tv, I have to really try hard not to be like "Ok, I need food NOW!"  I don't even know how this all started, but it's gotten a little ridiculous.  At home, I never eat at the table.  I have all my meals on our bed so that I can watch shows on my laptop, which is right next to the bed.  If I were just sitting at the table eating like a normal person, without a show on in the background, I would feel like the meal was wasted.

If Rick and I are watching tv for a couple hours on a lazy Saturday, I will literally snack the entire time.  Even if I'm not hungry.  This might be an addiction.  Luckily, I have not yet gained 500 pounds, and he has not yet said something like, "What the fuck is up with your constant eating?  I am dumping you because this is too retarded for me to handle.  Best of luck trying not to drive your next boyfriend away."

I might keep doing posts like this every so often.  Getting to know me better can be a recurring theme for you guys, like the Joe posts.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Concert Tales

A couple days ago, Rick, Rick's friend Roland, and I drove down to North Carolina to see the Poison and Motley Crue concert.  Both bands were amazing to see live, so I'm really glad we went.  I'm especially glad because that trip was full of sightings of really weird people.

1) Jeep Beluga Whale

The drive down was nothing too exciting ... until Roland made an amazing discovery.  Suddenly from the back seat, Rick and I heard Roland exclaim, "Oh yeah, baby!"  He then called our attention to the vehicle merging onto the interstate next to us.  It was a white jeep - the kind with no roof or windows.  The driver was an ultra pale, ultra fat guy with no shirt.  He was cruising along with his arm draped over the back of the passenger seat in what I'm sure he imagined was a cool pose.

I'm telling you, this guy's gut was massive.  We were all hoping he had sunblock on since it was about 100 degrees and he was practically albino.  The major problem with this guy was that he was driving like 20 under the speed limit, which made laughing at him more difficult since he kept falling so far behind us.  I'm guessing the jeep just couldn't move very fast under all that weight.

So, for the next 15 minutes of the drive, Rick tried to slow down/change lanes enough so that this guy would end up right next to us because Roland and I wanted to take pictures of him.  Finally it worked, and we got some good pics.  I was laughing hysterically at the sight of him, and he knew it too, because he kept staring at me.  Oh well.

I'd post the pics on here, but I'm paranoid about getting sued or something.  I have them on my phone, though, so if you see me regularly, just ask and I'll show you.  Or, for those of you who don't live close by, I can text them to you.

2) Concert Highlights

There were many drunk people at the concert of course.  Below are some of my favorite memories.

- The first one I saw was this loud annoying chick with no music knowledge.  In between bands, the song "What I Got" by Sublime was playing, and every 5 seconds, she would holler, "OHMYGOD, THIS IS SUGAR RAY!  I LOVE THEM!  THIS IS SO SUGAR RAY!"  Um, no.  Just because the bands start with the same letter does not make them the same band.  I really had to fight back the urge to correct her.  I'm surprised none of her friends said anything, unless they all thought it was Sugar Ray too.

- At one point, we saw a guy walk by wearing black leather assless chaps.  Under those, he had on a red speedo.  His hair was a huge black curly afro, which I'm assuming was a wig since he was white.  I actually saw people posing for pictures with him, and I was tempted to do the same, but I decided I didn't want to get that close to him after all.

- Once Poison had played a couple songs, Bret Michaels was making a little speech:

Bret: It's awesome to be back here in Charlotte!

- When Motley Crue was playing a slow song, I decided to run to the bathroom.  As I was exiting the ladies' room, there was a GUY coming in!  He walked past me like it was a normal thing he was doing, and I just stopped to watch him.  When he got halfway in, he finally realized his mistake:

Guy: Whoa!  This isn't right!
Me: Yeah, I was just waiting to see how far you got.

- Towards the end of the show, Nikki Sixx (bassist of Motley Crue) decided to make a heartfelt speech of his own:

"You know what I've seen tonight?  There's a dude over here that's ... how old are you, man?  10?  He's 10 years old!  And I saw a lady over here who looks like she's about 80.  From the fuckin' cradle to the grave - Motley Crue!!!"

I'm sure the older woman felt so flattered.

3) Post-Show

Rick and I were completely worn out after the concert, so when we got back to our hotel room, the plan was just to take quick showers and go right to sleep.  However, as I was getting into the shower, Rick turned the tv on and immediately busted out laughing.  He shouted that I had to "come see this," so I went to investigate.

What I saw was this: a black "pastor" shouting at the top of his lungs into the camera at me.  He said his name was Pastor Travis Action Jackson, and this is what he was screaming:

"Call this number, and I will rush you, RUSH YOU, your free vial of miracle blessed oil!!!  I'm lookin' right at you!  I know ya been tryin' to prosper in your relationship!  Oh glory!!!  I wish that I could just reach out from this television lens, OH GLORY, and take you by the hand, OH GLORY!" 

Seriously.  Miracle blessed oil.  Rick and I were intrigued, (and laughing so hard we physically couldn't change the channel) so we kept watching.  To our delight, Pastor Jackson demonstrated how the oil worked.  Basically, he would find someone who had "back problems for over 10 years" and then pour olive oil on their heads.  I mean, he didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was a bottle of store-bought olive oil.  Once he did this, the people (usually women) would begin speaking in tongues and 2 seconds later were completely healed!  Then Action Jackson would have them look straight into the camera and talk about what a miracle his olive oil was.

I think my favorite part was when he was saying that if I called the number and got the oil, God would place a "manservant" before me.  I mean, I wouldn't mind having a manservant, if I'm being honest.  He could use my vial of blessed olive oil to cook for me and such.