Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Flight Fears

My boyfriend Rick and I are going on a cruise next week.  In order to do this, we have to first fly to Miami since that's where the ship is.  I have only been on a trip that involved flying once before, and I am pretty much terrified of doing it again.  I didn't have a bad experience the first time or anything, but I just always have irrational fears about stuff like this.  Here are some of them:

1)  Drugs could be hidden under my seat.

Seriously, I just saw some news report about how people are doing that now - hiding drugs in various places on a plane.  I mean, I suppose I could check my seat as soon as I get on the plane, but then what if I actually find a huge thing of drugs??  Do I announce it?  What if someone sees me looking at them and assumes they're mine and reports me and I get hauled off to jail?!  I guess I could always casually slide them over to Rick's seat and let him deal with them, but if HE gets hauled off to jail I'd probably have to bail him out or go to court or some shit and miss my cruise.

2)  Someone with B.O. could be sitting near me.

Planes aren't THAT big once you're all crammed in and seated, so this could be an issue.  I'm sure tons of people get up in the morning and think "Hey, all I'm doing is getting on a plane today, why shower?"  With my luck, they'll be right in front of me, and their odor will just waft backwards up my nostrils.  I might have to bring a tiny bottle of perfume with me to cover it up, but that's a risk since the scents "Extreme Disgusting Sweaty Non-Showering Guy" and "Tulips" probably don't mix well.

3)  I could have a heart attack on the plane.

Hey, I'm going to be stressed and nervous already because of the other fears.  Plus, the way my diet is, I figure I'm gonna have at least 3 heart attacks before I'm 30.  I hear about people having heart attacks on planes all the time - why???  Is it some kind of conspiracy?  Is it a game among the airline staff where they see how fast they can solve the emergency, and if the person dies, everyone loses points?  Maybe there's an Induce Heart Attack button and they pick a random person as a victim every 73 flights so that it doesn't APPEAR as though anything fishy is going on.  You never know.

4)  The pilot could go insane.

I'm sure pilots are under a fair amount of stress, so one is bound to crack eventually.  The one flying my plane might get a craving for a hamburger and decide to try to land the plane in a McDonald's parking lot.  Or he could get really ambitious and decide that our plane will be the first test subject to see if planes can also double as submarines.  Maybe he'll see a flock of birds flying by and try to use their flight path as our new route, including when they land on someone's roof.  Maybe he'll try to ram the plane into every bird he sees.  Or, he could always try to add a little culture into the trip by making every announcement in loud dog barks so that we can learn his pet's native language.  The possibilities really are endless.

5)  There could be a spider on the plane.

In which case, I would not be able to scream and run away from it because then people would think there was a bomb or something.  The spider would totally have me at its mercy.  My only real escape would be the bathroom, and the hell if I'm ever going in there - yuck.  So great, it's going to crawl all over me and into my ear and into my brain and use its powers to control all my actions.  Pretty soon I'll be living in Spider HQ where they'll all come together to plot their takeover of the planet.  They'll use me to reach/lift things for them and to negotiate with world leaders since they can't speak.  Then before you know it, everyone will be trapped in some giant web, and it'll be my fault for getting on the damn plane in the first place.

If any of you have irrational plane fears, please let me know.  I need to feel better about being a paranoid weirdo.


  1. I have an extreme fear of flying. No reason though. I have no clue why. It's like paralyzing stage freight...you know what to do, you know what's going to happen, and you also know that the chances of it going bad are slim to none. So why am I feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack and/or vomit everywhere?!?!