This post is dedicated to Kelly, who gave me the idea for the topic - hooray for her :) Ok, so the following is a list of things that annoy me about summertime:
Not only do I feel gross and fat while wearing them, but people who actually ARE gross and fat still attempt to squeeze into these things. I know there are lots of girls out there who are all "I'm big; it's fabulous!" but I don't understand why they need to further put that on display by wearing a bikini. I mean, if you're a big gal, trust me we can all see it when you're wearing normal clothing. I kind of blame the clothing companies, actually. There should be some kind of size limit on bikinis - why would they even make them for huge women??? That's just encouraging them!
Actually, maybe they do have a size limit because once at the beach I saw this gigantic woman in a bikini, and while I was holding back the vomit I suddenly noticed that she wasn't wearing a bikini at all. She was waddling around the beach in her freakin' bra and underwear!! And they didn't even match! How could she possibly think that was acceptable? Did she honestly believe she could fool people into thinking it was a legit bathing suit? I'm assuming she either couldn't find one in her size OR she's just the most white trash woman on the planet and does this type of thing 24/7.
The worst part is: the bra was white ... and she went swimming in it ... and it got very wet and see-through ... so her knee-length boobs were on clear display for everyone. Hang on, I need to puke.
I know it's a good thing because it protects against skin cancer blah blah blah. But I detest this crap. It's greasy and disgusting and even when you fully rub it in you are STILL all greasy for what seems like days. I swear sometimes it doesn't even totally come off after showering. And yes, I have tried the "non-greasy" stuff and the spray-on stuff and all the many varieties. Trust me, the end result is no different. They all turn you into a giant Grease Person.
But yeah, I never know which brand to get or which spf level. They say anything above 30 is bullshit, but that doesn't stop me from being all "Let's get spf 80! Then we can feel free to vacation on the sun this year and not worry about burning!" What are the differences in the brands, though? Surely all sunblock is pretty equal. I mean, it really only has one job to do. Although, I'm telling you, even when I feel like I am covered from head to toe in it, there's still at least one tiny section of my skin that burns. I think this proves that they need to work on the "waterproof" and "won't rub off" aspects because now I'm paranoid that if anyone touches me while I'm wearing sunblock, it will all come off and I will immediately get melanoma.
3) The Fact That I Don't Have a Pool
Look, when it's 100 degrees outside and I'm in a third-floor apartment, all I can think about is jumping into a giant cold pool. Buuuuuut I don't want to join some stupid community pool and share my paradise with others. First of all, they are way expensive. Second, who knows what people do in those things when no one's paying attention? Case in point: I was at an amusement park one year and, while in the pool area for one of the water rides, discovered a CONDOM floating around!!!
So yeah, I want my very own personal pool please. I wonder if the apartment balcony is strong enough to support one. I suppose as a last resort I could just fill the bathtub with cold water and get in there. Can't really swim in such a small space, though. Plus, I tend to be randomly ambushed by spiders while showering, so if I saw one of those in my Bath Pool, I would spaz out and flood the whole apartment. Rick would probably be mad. Although, he'd only have himself to blame because he's one of those never-kill-spiders hippies.
The pressure to get a tan during the summer drives me insane. I used to stress about it and practically die of heat stroke trying to stay outside long enough to turn brown. I don't tan easily, however, so I am done with trying. I realize this means I will pretty much be an albino chick all summer, but I'd rather be that than all burned and peeling.
In the past I also tried going to a tanning bed, but that didn't last long. Those things are torture devices. To start, they are shaped like coffins ... so yeah, how relaxing. Second, they trick you by having a built-in fan to supposedly keep you cool while you tan. Um, no. All the fan does is blow hot air at you while you sweat like crazy lying in between rows of the brightest and hottest lights known to man.
Now, having said all that, I love laughing at people who take tanning very seriously. There are those out there who, usually by spray tanning, end up orange. I'm really not sure why this happens. You'd think that, if everyone's goal is to be brown, the people who make fake tanners would make them in such a way that when you apply them, you turn brown. Is that really such a difficult concept? What I also don't understand is that some of these people are like glowing neon orange. If I used a fake tanning product and it turned me the SLIGHTEST shade of orange, I would stop. These people apparently don't care or else strive to be the most orange person out there because they obviously use the product 20 times a day.
The other people who crack me up are the One-Siders. These people only tan one side of their body. I can understand that lying only on a certain side might be more comfortable than flipping back and forth, but why would you want to only half-tan yourself? I mean, it's going to be pretty obvious when you stand up and start walking around.
Perhaps it's a form of disguise. Let's say you're a One-Sider who is being chased by a criminal. As you run away from them, all they can see are the blindingly white backs of your legs, so they can keep track of you pretty easily. BUT what you can do is suddenly duck into a store and then turn around to face the entrance. Now you are a tan person, and they won't recognize the front of you. As the criminal scans the store, totally bewildered, you can make your escape. You'd have to walk backwards, though, so as not to reveal your Casper-white backside and once again become a target.
I know, I know. I'm a genius.