Friday, June 24, 2011

Drunk People and a Band

I attended a birthday party for one of my aunts last weekend at a bar.  The place had a band playing, and they ROCKED ... and some of the customers got really into the music.  Most of the embarrassing ones were not official party guests, so at least I can safely say that my aunt has the sense to stay away from those people.  They were basically drunk rednecks, and I will now describe a few of the most interesting ones.

1) Ugly Girl Who Thought She Was Hot

Ok so this chick was super ugly.  Yet, despite her ugliness, she was constantly dancing right in front of the band (when no one else was dancing) so that everyone looking towards the band was forced to see her.  She was moving her hips around in what she thought was a sexy manner.  She thought wrong.  She would also randomly stick her tongue out at people.  I guess this was some sort of seduction attempt, but all it got her was laughter.  Eventually some other gals made the mistake of stepping onto the dance floor while she was still out there.  Seeing this new prey, she instantly decided to grind up on them, and it was clear to me that these girls not only had no idea who she was, but they were also pretty terrified.

When she realized (after about 15 minutes) that the girls just weren't that into her, she tried a new dance move.  She would violently fling her arms out to the side like a bird spreading its wings and then hold that pose for a few seconds and repeat.  I mean ... I know she was drunk, but come on.  Some spazzed-out bird dance isn't going to make people want to be your friend.  That's just common sense.

2) Loud Outburst Guy

I first discovered this fellow when one of the band members addressed the crowd in between songs:

Band Member: I love this crowd; you guys are rockin!
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!

It was funny at first, but after that, whenever there was a pause in the music, this dude would bust out with "ROCK THAT SHIT" as loud as possible.  I mean, he wouldn't even say it at appropriate moments.  Someone in the band would say something like, "Ok, we're gonna take a little break," and the "ROCK THAT SHIT" would still be loud and clear.  I bet he says it all the time as some sort of bizarre version of Tourette's.  I can just picture his wedding day (assuming someone is dumb enough to marry him):

Minister: Do you take th-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: Heh ... ok.  Anyway, do you take this wom-
Loud Outburst Guy: ROCK THAT SHIT
Minister: .........womantobeyourlawfullyweddedwife?
Loud Outburst Guy: I do.  ROCK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!

3) Old Clown Lady

This gal looked about 70, and her face was done up with the loudest makeup ever.  If it was an attempt to look youthful, that attempt failed miserably.  She just looked like some retired clown freak.  She started off by just dancing on her own, but soon, seeing how hilarious her dance moves were, some really young guys started taking turns dancing with her for a laugh.  She was of course loving it, and it probably made her think her face paint had succeeded in making her look like a hot 25 year old.

Her main dance move was this: She would place her arms in a T-Rex position (bent at the elbows and wrists and pulled close to her chest) and strut around in a circle bending her knees as little as possible.  She was walking like a toy soldier, but she was sticking her butt out at the same time.  So to recap, here we had: T-Rex arms, butt out, and locked knees.  I have never seen anything quite like it, and I give her props for not falling over.

Someone her own age eventually got so turned on by her exotic moves that he just had to go strut around with her.  This, I believe, is when Alzheimer's started to catch up with her.  She and the old guy would be dancing up a storm and then suddenly she would pause, look at him with SUPER WIDE EYES, grin like an idiot, and continue dancing.  It was like she kept forgetting and then noticing that someone was dancing with her, and each time she realized this, she got sooooooo excited.  If I were that guy, I would have freaked out ... but then again, this is the guy who voluntarily danced with a Tyrannosaurus Clown.

4) The Conductor

There was a man who looked about 60 who kept chugging beers like nobody's business.  He continually placed himself directly in front of the guitarist and proceeded to conduct him through entire songs.  I'm not kidding.  This guy, beer in hand, would hold his arms out and flail them around at the poor guitarist while staring him down.  Sometimes he would get so lost in the music that he would have to close his eyes, but this did not keep him from his job.  He conducted the shit out of those songs. 

I think my favorite part was that whenever he got tired, he would take a huge swig from his beer bottle (like, head tilted back til it was completely drained) and then, from that, get a burst of energy that allowed him to launch back into scaring the guitarist with ease.  I figured the beer would slow him down, but oh no, he was too dedicated. 

Oh, I forgot to comment on his highly professional conductor's outfit.  He was wearing a black tank top and light blue jeans with patches all over them.  I mean, that's classy as hell.  He needs to seriously consider applying to conduct professional orchestras.  He might have to switch from beer to martinis though.

So folks, as you can tell, I really enjoy watching drunk and/or insane people.  If you know of any good locations in which to do so, please let me know.

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