Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Joe Update

Yes friends, once again I bring you tales from Joe World.

1) Father

Joe often asks people if they get along with their parents.  I think Joe loves his parents because he is obligated to, but he doesn't really *like* them most of the time ... or, at least, he doesn't want them hanging around.  One day, Joe was talking about his dad:

"I'll hug the man once in a while ... like twice a year ... his birthday and Christmas and stuff.  But the Christmas hug really depends on what present he gives me."

Never was there a more loving son.

2) Hold the Tomatoes

Background info: another co-worker, Laura, went out to lunch one day.  Upon her return, Joe asked her what she ordered, and she said she ordered a sandwich.  The following is the remainder of that conversation.  Oh, and yes, Laura likes to laugh at Joe too, so she eggs him on like I do:

Joe: Did the sandwich have tomatoes on it?
Laura: No, I had them hold the tomatoes.
Joe: You had them hold them?
Laura: Yep, I had them stand at the table the whole time I was eating just holding the tomatoes.  I always have them do that.
Joe: Do you ever dismiss them early?
Laura: No, they have to stand there til I'm done.
Joe: That's good, Laura, 'cause once you go soft on them one time, they'll expect it every time.  You stick to your guns.
Laura: Exactly.  And, it's worth every penny of the tip I give them too.
Joe: Yeah, they have to earn that 27 or 30 cents!  And hey, that starts to add up.  I mean, once you get a couple of those tips, you can afford to buy a soda pop!  And a nice 16 ounce, too, not some dinky 12 ounce can.  Like The Beatles said, Laura, it's a hard day's night.  It's all about earning.

I can't even ... I don't ... how did Hard Day's Night fit into this?????

3) Windshield Grieving

"I hate those people that put the things on their back windshield that are like 'In loving memory of so and so' and list the dates of their life.  And they say things like, 'A prince among men' or 'Greatest fish ever.'"  I mean I'm just like, people die all the time, and that's great for you ... well, it's not GREAT for you, but that's great if you wanna grieve.  But keep your grief to yourself."

The fish part really made me wonder.  I certainly hope people don't put little tributes to their dead fish on their cars, but you never know.

4) Crack

Joe has a lot of views on this drug ... he even has some views related to Jesus and crack, but I'll save that for another post.  For now, here's this:

"I mean, just because someone used to be on crack, does that mean they are a bad person?  I like to believe so, but people can get better.  They can stop using the crack.  And not only do they have to stop using the crack, but they have to stop advocating the use of crack.  They can't go around saying, 'Yeah I no longer use crack, but it might be good for YOU.'"

What a dealing technique, huh?  Yeah I finally broke my horrible addiction, but you look like you could use some of this stuff, so knock yourself out, buddy!

5) Sugar Foot

Several times a day, Joe just walks up to my desk and says something random.  This is the latest:

Joe: Ashley, what do you think about this as the ultimate email address -!!!
Me: Why "sugar foot?"
Joe: 'Cause I've always wanted to be called that.  Do you think it would catch on as a nickname?
Me: Sure.
Joe: Would YOU call me that?
Me: Uh ...
Joe: I knew it.  I can't even get my own wife to call me that.

And I'm not kidding, as I'm typing this, Joe is at his desk telling someone else about his Sugar Foot name idea.  Also, he created a Sugar Foot dance.  It involves him swiveling the ball of his right foot around on the floor as if he's rubbing out a scuff mark, closing his eyes, and nodding his head to the rhythm. 

I think he's secretly hoping it will become the new dance craze of the nation.


  1. if Joe made a music video, SugarFoot could be the next Dougie