Thursday, July 14, 2011

Concert Tales

A couple days ago, Rick, Rick's friend Roland, and I drove down to North Carolina to see the Poison and Motley Crue concert.  Both bands were amazing to see live, so I'm really glad we went.  I'm especially glad because that trip was full of sightings of really weird people.

1) Jeep Beluga Whale

The drive down was nothing too exciting ... until Roland made an amazing discovery.  Suddenly from the back seat, Rick and I heard Roland exclaim, "Oh yeah, baby!"  He then called our attention to the vehicle merging onto the interstate next to us.  It was a white jeep - the kind with no roof or windows.  The driver was an ultra pale, ultra fat guy with no shirt.  He was cruising along with his arm draped over the back of the passenger seat in what I'm sure he imagined was a cool pose.

I'm telling you, this guy's gut was massive.  We were all hoping he had sunblock on since it was about 100 degrees and he was practically albino.  The major problem with this guy was that he was driving like 20 under the speed limit, which made laughing at him more difficult since he kept falling so far behind us.  I'm guessing the jeep just couldn't move very fast under all that weight.

So, for the next 15 minutes of the drive, Rick tried to slow down/change lanes enough so that this guy would end up right next to us because Roland and I wanted to take pictures of him.  Finally it worked, and we got some good pics.  I was laughing hysterically at the sight of him, and he knew it too, because he kept staring at me.  Oh well.

I'd post the pics on here, but I'm paranoid about getting sued or something.  I have them on my phone, though, so if you see me regularly, just ask and I'll show you.  Or, for those of you who don't live close by, I can text them to you.

2) Concert Highlights

There were many drunk people at the concert of course.  Below are some of my favorite memories.

- The first one I saw was this loud annoying chick with no music knowledge.  In between bands, the song "What I Got" by Sublime was playing, and every 5 seconds, she would holler, "OHMYGOD, THIS IS SUGAR RAY!  I LOVE THEM!  THIS IS SO SUGAR RAY!"  Um, no.  Just because the bands start with the same letter does not make them the same band.  I really had to fight back the urge to correct her.  I'm surprised none of her friends said anything, unless they all thought it was Sugar Ray too.

- At one point, we saw a guy walk by wearing black leather assless chaps.  Under those, he had on a red speedo.  His hair was a huge black curly afro, which I'm assuming was a wig since he was white.  I actually saw people posing for pictures with him, and I was tempted to do the same, but I decided I didn't want to get that close to him after all.

- Once Poison had played a couple songs, Bret Michaels was making a little speech:

Bret: It's awesome to be back here in Charlotte!

- When Motley Crue was playing a slow song, I decided to run to the bathroom.  As I was exiting the ladies' room, there was a GUY coming in!  He walked past me like it was a normal thing he was doing, and I just stopped to watch him.  When he got halfway in, he finally realized his mistake:

Guy: Whoa!  This isn't right!
Me: Yeah, I was just waiting to see how far you got.

- Towards the end of the show, Nikki Sixx (bassist of Motley Crue) decided to make a heartfelt speech of his own:

"You know what I've seen tonight?  There's a dude over here that's ... how old are you, man?  10?  He's 10 years old!  And I saw a lady over here who looks like she's about 80.  From the fuckin' cradle to the grave - Motley Crue!!!"

I'm sure the older woman felt so flattered.

3) Post-Show

Rick and I were completely worn out after the concert, so when we got back to our hotel room, the plan was just to take quick showers and go right to sleep.  However, as I was getting into the shower, Rick turned the tv on and immediately busted out laughing.  He shouted that I had to "come see this," so I went to investigate.

What I saw was this: a black "pastor" shouting at the top of his lungs into the camera at me.  He said his name was Pastor Travis Action Jackson, and this is what he was screaming:

"Call this number, and I will rush you, RUSH YOU, your free vial of miracle blessed oil!!!  I'm lookin' right at you!  I know ya been tryin' to prosper in your relationship!  Oh glory!!!  I wish that I could just reach out from this television lens, OH GLORY, and take you by the hand, OH GLORY!" 

Seriously.  Miracle blessed oil.  Rick and I were intrigued, (and laughing so hard we physically couldn't change the channel) so we kept watching.  To our delight, Pastor Jackson demonstrated how the oil worked.  Basically, he would find someone who had "back problems for over 10 years" and then pour olive oil on their heads.  I mean, he didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was a bottle of store-bought olive oil.  Once he did this, the people (usually women) would begin speaking in tongues and 2 seconds later were completely healed!  Then Action Jackson would have them look straight into the camera and talk about what a miracle his olive oil was.

I think my favorite part was when he was saying that if I called the number and got the oil, God would place a "manservant" before me.  I mean, I wouldn't mind having a manservant, if I'm being honest.  He could use my vial of blessed olive oil to cook for me and such.

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