My Tamagotchi Baby

I know you all remember tamagotchis.  When they first came out, I had a green one (like the one pictured on this link), and I loved that thing.  So, I figured I would try to find one online that I could buy to experience the fun all over again.  I looked around on Amazon, and I discovered that they came out with new versions a couple years ago - versions that have a pause function!!!  This was amazing news since I have a full-time job and can't imagine getting away with, "Sorry I didn't get that report done on time.  My tamagotchi needed me."

So, I ordered one of the newer ones and have been playing around with it for a few days now.  There are some new super cool features on this version: earning points by playing games, spending points on items in a store, getting packages in your own little mailbox, being able to praise or discipline your tamagotchi, etc, etc.  Overall, it's been a blast.

After discovering my baby tamagotchi was a boy, I had to name him (using a max of 5 letters).  I picked the name Clyde ... just randomly.  Clyde started out looking like a blob, but now he's a toddler, so he's a blob with legs.  This is a current photo of him:

Cute, huh?  I know, I know.  Anyway, while I love Clyde, he's not always my favorite person ... or ... alien ... or whatever they're supposed to be.  Sometimes things about him and the new features really get on my nerves.

1) Playing Games

The games on here aren't incredibly fun, but I like playing them so I can earn points and buy Clyde presents at the store.  Clyde used to play with me all the time, but lately whenever I try to make him play, he shakes his head at me!  Every time!  I figured I would try to entice him into playing by giving him a snack.  Well, since that first moment of bribery, he has never gone back to his old ways.  I have to literally give that little brat a snack every time I want him to play a game. 

I'm like, HELLO?!  I'm playing these games for your benefit, Clyde!  Don't you want me to be able to visit the store and buy you gifts??  So of course now I'm paranoid that he's going to become obese from being overfed.  The instructions warned me to only feed him when he's legit hungry, or else he'll gain weight.  Now I'm going to end up having a blob that takes up the entire screen.

2) The Store

The store mainly has food items.  So, I'll usually just buy Clyde more snacks to continue the vicious cycle described above.  Sometimes, though, the store will have toys.  I noticed I could afford a cd the last time I stopped by there, so I went ahead and bought it, thinking how nice it would be for Clyde to have some music in his life.  Well, when I actually gave him the cd, this is what happened:  He looked at it, and then a question mark appeared over his head.  And that was it.

So basically, the thing is worthless.  My retarded child doesn't know how to use the damn cd, so I'm like, why even have it in the store in the first place?  Do I need to buy a cd player to go with it before he can use it?  Does he need to be a teenager in order to understand how it works?  What a rip-off!  I keep hoping a boombox will appear in the store so I can buy that and finally make use of the cd, but it'll probably never happen.  You should see him just standing there staring at it all confused.  Maybe he's too fat and lazy from all the snacks to bother with figuring it out.

3) Mailbox

Every so often, the postman will appear on the screen and bring Clyde a package.  It's always something like extra points or a heart or other little happy things.  However, there was one delivery that was completely shocking to both me and Clyde.  This was the scene:

- Tamagotchi starts beeping at me to announce the arrival of the mailman
- Clyde gets all excited about receiving his new package
- I go to the mailbox and have him open the package
- Inside the package is ... poop

No, I'm not kidding.  The same image that appears every time Clyde uses the bathroom was sitting in that package waiting for him.  It had the stink fumes coming off of it and everything.  I think my exact reaction was, "Oh my god, who the fuck would do that?!?!"  Needless to say, Clyde went hysterical.  His happiness meter dropped all the way to zero, and he started throwing a crying fit.  I tried to praise him (for receiving poop in the mail?  I don't know; I wasn't thinking) to make him feel better, but it didn't work.  Nothing worked.  I just had to wait until he calmed down and forgot about it.

Seriously though, what the hell was the tamagotchi company thinking?  Was this a joke by some angry employee?  Why would POOP be an option for what you can get in the mail?!  And I mean, there was no question it was poop.  The image was very clear, and it was the exact match to the image that I have to flush away every time Clyde craps on the screen.  Sick.

Oh, funny story about Clyde using the bathroom.  If I let the shit sit on the screen too long, he'll hide from it.  He will hang out on the other side of the screen until I flush it.  So yeah, I can understand him being freaked out by the mail incident.

4) School

When I was browsing through the instruction manual, it said something about being able to send your tamagotchi to preschool when he/she is a toddler.  Well, I figured I would get Clyde out of the house and send him off to learn something.  I went to the menu where the preschool option was supposed to be, but the only option in there was "Work."  I looked in all the other menus, but "work" was the closest thing to school that I could find.  So, I clicked on it, and the tamagotchi made an angry buzzing noise at me.  It was judging me for trying to send my baby to work.

I mean, it wasn't like I really WANTED Clyde to go off to some sweatshop, but there was no school option!  The manual had lied to me.  A few hours later, though, some random woman appeared on the screen and gave Clyde a package to open.  My first thought was, "Please God, don't let him walk into another poop delivery," but when he opened it, there was a cute little backpack inside.  So apparently, I needed to wait for some fairy godmother to deliver a backpack to him before he could go to school.

The thing that kills me about this is that now when I send him to preschool, I still have to press the "work" button.  So, for all I know, he's not even going to school.  Maybe what I assumed was a backpack was actually a satchel to hold his tools for a big construction job.  Perhaps he's going off to work the coal mines.  He at least smiles when he leaves, so I can be confident that he enjoys whatever he's doing.



Oh, one last fact about Clyde: He goes to bed at 8pm every night and sleeps til 9am.  This is because tamagotchis are made for kids, not pathetic adults like me.  Oh well!