My list of Joe quotes is getting longer by the minute, so here are some of the best to give you guys your laugh for the day! If you're a new reader, Joe is my co-worker who is very ... unique. And talks a lot.
Joe, like a lot of people, assumes that when I'm not smiling, that means I must be depressed. I really wish people would just get the fact that my mouth naturally turns down a little when I'm making a straight face. I can't help my stupid genetics - blame my parents!
Joe: Ashley, why are you down?
Me: Let me explain something, Joe. I'm not sitting here all upset. My face just looks that way normally; it always has. I can't help it.
Joe: So what does it look like when you're actually upset? Just your normal face but more so?
Me: I guess.
Joe: Well then one day I'm gonna do something to upset you so that I can see it. Be prepared for that.
Me: What are you gonna do?
Joe: I dunno, like punch you in the shin.
Me: Why bend all the way down to punch my shin? Why not just punch my shoulder?
Joe: Because the shoulder makes it look like I MEANT to attack you. Well, actually, bending down to get the shin requires more effort, so nevermind. I'll work this out, Ashley, don't worry!
Oh good. I was totally worried he wouldn't find a way to punch me.
The following are some "facts" about Jesus that Joe told me:
- Jesus became addicted to crack at age 31
- Jesus kicked his addiction, found followers, and died by age 33
- Jesus died from health complications due to his crack use. The crucifixion was just a government cover-up.
- To prove he could walk on water, Jesus put everyone in a boat, sailed them out to sea, got out of the boat, and just stood on the water. He then told everyone to join him, and they of course fell in. He did this so that he could look more impressive.
So basically, according to Joe, Jesus was a drugged-out asshole. I would apologize for offending my religious readers, but I'm pretty religious myself, and I've basically gotten so used to Joe's Jesus talks that they don't bother me whatsoever. I figure if you guys are still reading, you're used to it too.
Joe HATES birds.
Joe: I especially hate pigeons. The way they walk and bob their heads and twitch - it's creepy!
Laura: Joe, you bob your head when you walk, and you swing your arms.
Joe: No, that's like a robot. That's cool. I'm just telling you, rational or not, I don't like birds. Those little ones are ok, that just hop about. They're so small and cute that you almost imagine you could own one ... except they're infested with vermin.
Laura: See, I had birds as a kid, so I guess it's different for me because I grew up around them.
Joe: Yeah, my parents didn't allow me to have vermin in the house.
4) Birds Part 2
Joe came back a little while later that day to continue his birds rant. This time, my co-worker Scott was involved.
Joe: Do you know how birds clean themselves? They ruffle around in the dirt!
Scott: No, that's what bird baths are for. There's water in there.
Joe: Yeah, water that people have walked by and spit into and other birds have taken a crap in! And birds eat trash! Like, you can go outside and eat a piece of candy and spit it on the ground, and a bird will eat that! And if a dog goes outside and takes a crap, a bird will eat that too!
Scott: Dogs eat crap too.
Joe: Not my dog! At least ... not to my knowledge ... hmm ... note to self, don't let the dog lick you. Anyway, all I'm saying is it's no coincidence that the devil had wings and birds have wings!
Joe has this theory that rats evolved into snakes, and that's why we have snakes around today. I want to give a shout out to Rick who heard this Joe Rant first and immediately IMed me saying, "Be sure to ask Joe about snakes and rats."
"It is a scientific fact that snakes came from rats. There was a wounded rat with a hurt leg, so it was easier for him to crawl than walk, and a whole breed of snakes was born! The rats lost their hair 'cause it kept catching on stuff as they were crawling, and the ground gave them scabs which turned into scales. These are facts of evolution, Ashley. I learned this in school, but this is stuff they're not supposed to tell you in textbooks. This is knowledge passed down verbally. In fact, I may have broken a sacred pact by sharing this with you."
I wonder if it was "passed down verbally" by all the voices in his head. Just kidding ... I don't actually think Joe is insane. Yet.
6) Evolution Part 2
Joe, Rod, and I were discussing a more common theory of evolution - the one involving monkeys and humans.
Rod: There's a missing link though! Something that came in the middle of monkeys turning into humans!
Joe: Monkeys are gross. They pick those bug things off of each other.
Me: Yeah, nits.
Joe: THAT'S IT! YES, EXACTLY! Knitting monkeys! That's the missing link! Monkeys that are so advanced that they can knit!
I really don't even know what to say about that. I didn't know what to say then either. I couldn't bother with trying to explain "nit" vs. "knit" to Joe. He just seemed so proud of me for coming up with the knitting monkeys missing link.
I've barely made a dent in the quote list, so don't worry - more Joe posts will be on the way soon!