Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cruise Characters

There were quite a few interesting people on our cruise ship, but a few stood out as especially entertaining.  On the night of the formal dinner, Rick and I were seated in a booth adjacent to a table of people with thick New York accents.  They were not at all quiet with their conversations, so I was able to figure out that the cast was:

Daughter (approximately age 10)
Friend (or possibly sister) of Mom

The night started out with everyone seated at the table except the dad.  The daughter was in the middle of complaining about something by saying "I told you I didn't want the underwater one!  Jesus!!!"  She had quite a lot of attitude for her age, I must say.  Anyway, while they were all arguing about "the underwater one," the dad came stumbling up to the table, clearly wasted off his ass.  He immediately assumed they had all been talking about him behind his back, and he was not in a good mood:

Daughter: I think I want a salad.
Dad: Don't get salad unless you wanna have gas!  Do you want gas??  Is that what you want???
Mom (to Dad): You need to stop.
Dad (to Daughter): You wanna see the meanest person in the world?  Look right next to you!  Your mother is the meanest person in the world!

Seriously, that's the best insult he could come up with.  Telling a kid that her mom is mean.  As if the kid didn't already think her mom was mean for getting her "the underwater one."

Dad: I mean it.  I have all her email and Facebook passwords, and I check them at work!  And she's always saying stuff about me!  All the time!

Is this guy mentally 20 years old?  He's spying on his wife's Facebook?  At work??  Also, not such a brilliant plan to reveal that he does this right in front of the person who can now go in and change all her passwords.  At this point, he got so outraged thinking about all the Facebook shit-talking, that he suddenly stood up, threw down his napkin, shouted "THINK TWICE!!!!!" at the mom, and stormed off.  I'm not sure what "Think twice" meant, but if I were her, I'd be thinking more than twice about divorcing that moron.

About ten minutes later, the dad returned to the table, sat down, and was silent ... for about two whole seconds.  It wasn't totally his fault, though.  He was provoked by his wife blatantly muttering things about him just loud enough so he knew she was insulting him in some way.  Keep in mind, this is all going on during a formal dinner night on a cruise ship in front of total strangers and the waiter and, oh yeah, their child.  So anyway, the wife is saying stuff about him to herself, which makes him explode once again:

Dad: Come on, bitch, you got another thing to say?!
Friend of Mom: Susan, shut the hell up already!
Dad: THINK TWICE!!!!!!!!!  (storms off again)

That was basically it.  Rick and I were stunned into trying-not-to-bust-out-laughing silence the entire time.  I kind of wish all my meals came with such good entertainment.  Speaking of entertainment, there were several other unique individuals on the ship worth mentioning:

1) Thug-Looking Guy In Dance Club

During the 70s and 80s flashback dance night, he burst into the club with a cry of "Oh yeah, this shit is my JAM!"  The song playing was "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.  I'm glad disco is "stayin alive" in the hood.

2) Fast Food Celebrity

This guy was at least 50,000 pounds, and he walked around wearing a huge purple shirt.  Rick and I therefore affectionately referred to him as Grimace (like the McDonald's character).  Rick created a theory that the rocking of the ship was not due to the ocean, but it was in fact due to Grimace waddling from buffet to buffet.

3) Riverdancer

At the dance club, there were these gay guys dancing together.  It started out pretty normal, but then one of them suddenly started moving his feet as fast as possible and jumping around.  It looked like Lord of the Flamers.  The normal-dancing gay guy didn't stick around much longer after that started, so the guy doing Riverdance just kind of kept going without a partner.  He didn't look like he cared.

I love people.

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