I love the first few months of the year. This is not because of New Year's or my birthday or Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day or any of that. It is because that's when the magical, wonderful people at Cadbury release the Cadbury Eggs into the stores for Easter.
Do I give a shit about Easter? No, not really. I actually don't even know much about why it's a holiday ... something about Jesus? I guess? I think they should totally hand out Cadbury Eggs during Easter church services, just as a thank you for attending. Maybe then I would bother learning about how Jesus turned water into the Easter Bunny or whatever it is they talk about during Easter church.
Anyway, I am 100% addicted to these eggs. I am a fan of Cadbury chocolate in general as it is, and I can eat it plain, but when combined with the cream filling ... it's a religious experience. Hey, wait, maybe THAT'S why people go to church on Easter!
I am capable of eating probably 20 Cadbury Eggs a day. I haven't actually tried this, but I don't think it would be difficult at all. I wish they could make them so that they contained lots of vitamins and shit, and then I could just eat them for every meal. Sure, I would be mordbidly obese, but would it be worth it? I wanna say yes.
So yeah, I'm dreading Easter actually getting here, and the eggs disappearing from grocery store shelves. I'm going to have to stock up before that day. Maybe I could convince Rick to clear out his entire pantry area, and I could use all those shelves for my egg supply. Or wait, would I need to freeze them? Do they go bad? How can I not know this? Ok, well if I need the freezer, Rick will just have to deal with not having any frozen stuff for ... a long time. Because I plan on hoarding at least 500 of these things. I figure that'll be enough to last me an extra month or so. Maybe.
Speaking of Rick, he hates Cadbury Eggs. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still dating a person with that much evil in them. And, honestly, sometimes when I'm in the middle of a Cadbury Egg frenzy and there's chocolate all over my face and I think I might choke and die, I wonder the same thing. I mean, significant others are supposed to support each other's passions in life, right? I fully support his love for carrot cake (barf!!!), but when he asks how my day was, and I tell him it was great because I ate 10 Cadbury Eggs, he looks at me like there's something wrong with me! Not supportive.
This has now got me thinking. I mean, let's say Rick was being held hostage, and the only way I could free him was to sign a contract saying I would never again consume another Cadbury Egg. Could I do that? Oh god, this is making me question all my priorities! On the one hand, I love Rick. But, let's face it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. There is only one thing that tastes as good as a Cadbury Egg. So, this is really a no-brainer.
I am now realizing he's going to read this blog post.
Hi honey! I love you! You can't be mad because my relationship with Cadbury Eggs has been around a lot longer than my relationship with you. I believe in loyalty, so I'm sorry to inform you, you'll always be 2nd place. But that's still good - that's like winning a silver medal at the Olympics! How many people can say they've done that?! ... Please don't break up with me.
Let me now explain all the good that could come out of more people being as obsessed with this candy as I am:
1) Work Productivity
Instead of coffee, employees should have Cadbury Egg dispensers in their offices. The sugar rush would make them much more energetic and productive. Granted, the employers would probably have to invest in a much more expensive dental plan once all the cavities start showing up ... but whatever.
2) Student Motivation
Instead of some bullshit like getting an A+ on a test, students should be rewarded with Cadbury Eggs. College admissions people wouldn't have to worry about SAT scores or essays or activities or any of that nonsense. They would simply have to pull the students' files and check out their egg grand totals and then decide if they'd eaten enough to get into the college. I can say this much - if I'd had the option of getting Cadbury Eggs for excellent schoolwork, I would have gotten into Harvard.
3) Crime Reduction
Clearly, I've proven it's possible to get addicted to Cadbury Eggs. And, trust me, once you've eaten 5 or more, you definitely get a serious rush. Therefore, why are drug addicts wasting their time with crack and weed and everything else? If they just got high off these eggs, there go all the drug problems! Yes, the obese population would go WAY up, but think about it: If people are so fat that they can barely lift the eggs to their mouths, they can't exactly go around robbing or shooting people now can they?
I think maybe I should run for President.
Feel free to comment on this post with what candy you're addicted to. I can't be the only one, right?