Thursday, December 23, 2010


**Note: I am not at all a fat person ... well, not yet anyway ... when my metabolism eventually slows, I will probably weigh about 550**

Sometimes I go through weird phases, and one of those weird phases that often pops up is: eat everything in sight.

There will be stretches of days (or, um, weeks) where I must eat everything in the house and then go to the store to get more food and eat all of that as quickly as possible too.  I blame this on the fact that I am an adult with my own money and my own car, so I'm capable of making horrible decisions without a parent around to stop me.  Some of the horrible (BUT SOOOOOOO GOOD) decisions include:

1) Cookie dough dinner
2) Ordering like 27858435 combos at a drive-thru and trying to finish all of them
3) Seeing a commercial for ice cream and thinking "Ohmygod, I must go to the store and get ice cream NOW because who knows if I might die tomorrow and never get ice cream again!!!!!" (this also goes for cookies, brownies, candy bars, etc)
4) Going out to lunch with someone even though I just finished my own much healthier lunch 5 min ago
5) Using logic such as "Ok, I'm going to be good all day tomorrow, so I better eat all the bad stuff in the house right now so I won't be tempted!"

Many of these decisions result in me feeling like I could puke at any moment, but do I ever learn my lesson?  Hell no ... because food is the best thing ever.  One of my major issues is portion control.  I mean, I guess in most areas of life, going all out is a good thing.  People always say things like, "Go for it!  Don't hold back!  Take risks!" etc etc.  Well, I pretty much only use that advice when I'm in front of a huge plate of cookies and risking the possibility of one day needing a crane to get me out of my house.

Don't get me wrong, I love being thought of as an attractive, slim woman.  I would never want that to change.  My boyfriend sometimes has to talk me down when I start to get upset about my eating habits:

Me: One day, I'm going to weigh  A THOUSAND POUNDS!
Rick: No you won't.
Me: Oh yes, yes I will.  And when that day comes, you will be obligated to still love me and think I'm sexy.
Rick: Uh ... I don't know about that.
Me: Oh whatever, you'll probably be dead by then anyway!

See?  Aren't we adorable?  My boyfriend is 18 years older than me, so he COULD be dead once I reach my maximum weight ... and then I will probably think, "Go for it!  Don't hold back!  Take risks!  You never know when you might get the chance to eat another dead body!"

Just kidding ... ew.

But seriously, one of you needs to invent a thing that allows me to eat whatever I want without the negative side effects.  I will love you a lot ... even more than I love key lime pie.  Oh God, now I want some of that for breakfast.

1 comment:

  1. Not to worry. There's more to it than calories in, calories burned. Think about it. I know you know certain people who can eat all day and all night and any desert they want including ice cream in any amount they please and they aren't all that physically active, but they never gain an ounce and they look like fashion models and you wanna strangle them. (pauses for breath after that sentence). Everyone SAYS they just have good fast metabolism, but why just THEM? Why not everyone?

    It turns out that your body responds to your beliefs about food. If you believe a particular food, or a particular amount of food is fattening and you eat it anyway, your body gains weight. If you refuse to listen to the people who classify foods as fattening or non-fattening, and you know you've been doing this for years and have never had a weight problem, you probably never will.

    Just sayin'.