Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Store Alarm Systems and Me

I have a problem.  Lately, every time I enter a store, the alarm in that store goes off.  And yes, I said enter, not exit.  Why would an alarm go off when someone is coming into a store?  That would, in theory, mean they had previously stolen something without the alarm going off then decided to waltz right back into the store with the stolen item still on them AND THEN get caught for it. 

I feel like if someone got away with stealing the first time then had a change of heart and brought the item back, the alarm should at least make a nicer noise.  Instead of the loud dull beeping, it could perhaps be the sound of applause or someone saying "THANKS FOR NOT BEING A CRIMINAL ANYMORE!"  Maybe confetti could fall from the ceiling too!

I wonder if the person would still get in trouble ... I guess they would.  They did steal it initially.  Actually, if they're bringing it back, it's probably not because they had a change of heart.  It's probably because they are stupid and forgot to leave it at home.  But anyway none of this applies to me because I don't steal!

So seriously, why does this keep happening??  The even weirder thing is: it mostly happens in grocery stores.  Why would I bring stolen food back?  If I'm stealing food, I'm probably a starving person who HAS to resort to stealing, so I would pretty much chomp that shit down as soon as I exited the store.  No way would I ever bring it back.

But yeah, this is the scene:  I approach the grocery store, flinching because I know what's coming.  If the alarm DOESN'T go off then I just walk in probably looking like I'm about to crap my pants due to the flinching facial expression, and get a lot of weird looks.  If the alarm DOES go off, everyone in the store violently turns to stare at me. 

At this point, I want to appear as innocent as possible, so I usually act as if this has never happened to me before.  I make myself look very confused and alarmed (get it? haha) and shrug repeatedly.  I give the employees a look that says, "Whoa, this is totally unexpected.  I am a 100% law abiding citizen except for sometimes exceeding the speed limit, but only if I'm late for work.  I certainly do not have vegetables hidden under my clothes or in my purse.  I do have gum, but I paid for it here last week and I could show you the receipt but I threw it away because I'm not responsible and don't listen to my mother about keeping receipts."

So far, they have let me keep walking every time this happens.  I'm waiting for the day I'm hauled into some back office for questioning OR the day a cop happens to be standing at the check-out when I walk in.

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