Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Perfectly Valid "Sick Day" Reasons

I didn't feel like going to work today, which is nothing new.  I am a trooper, though, so I hauled myself out of bed and drove to work like a good little employee; however, I don't agree with this whole "taking a sick day" system in which you actually have to have some sort of medically recognized, boss-approved illness to stay home.  The following is a list of perfectly good reasons for me to have stayed home sick today.  Feel free to try these out if they ever apply to you, and let me know if you still have a job afterwards.

1)  There is half a key lime pie in the fridge.

Well, technically there's less of it now, but there was half when I woke up this morning.  I clearly needed to stay home so I could eat it before it went bad.  Yes, it's only 2 days old, but shut up, that's not important.

2)  My middle finger was really itchy today.

Who's to say I didn't have some temporary finger disease?  I mean it was REALLY itchy for about 15 minutes, and I wish I had been able to concentrate on scratching it instead of doing some stupid report.  Thinking about it right now is making my whole hand itch.  See?  It's spreading.

3)  I need to trim my toenails.

Yeah sure, I could always do this once I get home from work in the evening, but by then my motivation is down.  I have a tiny window of toenail-clipping drive, and by the end of the day I'm pretty much just like, "I don't give a shit" and break out the extra-thick socks.  Which I am wearing right now.

4)  The lighting at work doesn't flatter me.

Every time I go into the bathroom at work, the lights in there make me look like some mutant.  I'll come out of the stall, catch sight of myself in the mirror, and want to flee the scene.  Really, it's not a good plan by management because it just makes me waste time in the bathroom trying to somehow make myself look like a human again.

5)  I couldn't decide what earrings to wear.

So of course, even though I have a billion pairs of earrings, I ended up choosing the plain little silver hoops.  I ALWAYS end up choosing the plain little silver hoops because I don't leave myself enough time to make such an important decision in the morning.  Therefore, instead of waking up 5 minutes earlier, I should just take the whole day off when the stress of a rushed earring decision hits me.

6)  I'm a lazy ass who just wants someone to knock on the door biweekly and give me a check for a huge amount of money.



  1. Haha! These are hilarious!! I would like to try these excuses, but I'm scared to :-)

  2. Yeah I wish managers would understand ... haha

  3. ROFLOL! Ashley, this is crazy funny! I always thought your mom should have done stand-up for a living. I think you inherited the gene.
    - Aunt Joyce