Yesterday I was standing in the shower working conditioner into my hair when suddenly a huge black thing dropped onto the bottom of the tub. I looked down and saw ...
The Scariest F-ing Spider Ever
I do not remain calm when faced with even the tiniest of spiders, so this thing really got me worked up. It was being pelted by water but still moving towards my feet. My first solution was to stand on one foot, but I quickly realized this left my other foot still in the path of danger. I haven't yet mastered the ability to hover, so I had to formulate an alternate plan.
I looked around for something to squash it with and chose a shampoo bottle. At this point, the water had caused the spider to lose its balance so it was swirling around all over the place. I kept having to hop to different areas of the tub to avoid it, and of course it never just swirled down the drain like a nice guy - oh no, it kept trying to stand up and touch me.
Weapon in hand, I bent down to deliver my crushing blow. I was shaking so much with fear that I barely hit him. He stopped moving for a second, and I hoped that somehow the one broken leg had cause him to die. Turns out, all it did was seriously piss him off, and he now started darting around even faster. No idea how, since he was clearly handicapped, but that's just my luck.
I hit him again and this time he looked pretty squashed. Satisfied, I started to push him towards the drain when OUT OF NOWHERE all of his remaining legs (about 4) started wildly flailing about. His squashed body was stuck to the floor, but the legs were all crazy waving at me as if to say, "Hi there! I'm so not dead yet! My legs will destroy you and your family!!!!"
For a few seconds, all I could do was stand there staring at the legs in disbelief. I started to go a little insane. I thought maybe this was a spider incapable of being killed. Maybe God or Thor or the Spider King or whoever had sent him into the shower as some kind of unstoppable force to take my life. I figured I needed to beat the legs about a hundred times with the shampoo bottle to prevent him from using his powers to morph into an even bigger instrument of destruction.
After I was done, I was able to finally wash the conditioner out of my hair. It wasn't an easy task. The spider was still stuck to the tub floor, and I was afraid to move my eyes from him since I was still half anticipating a sneak attack from the grave. So, head bent, I finished my shower and got out of the tub. I then grabbed a HUGE wad of toilet paper (like half the roll - I wasn't taking chances) and gathered up the corpse. I spazzed out and thrust the wad into the toilet, slammed the lid down, and flushed.
Then I flushed again.
Part of me still wonders if he's hiding out in the pipes, slowly regaining his strength, preparing for another showdown.